Mental health

I Respect You, I’m Just Not Blindly Obedient

Let’s Talk About the Fundamental Difference

I used to think it was just Eastern Asian parents who raised their kids to never question their directions or what they said. Later on in life, I realized many kids were raised in the same manner. I feel like we, as a society, are beginning to understand the need and right for kids to ask questions. Though it might still be a prevalent practice in many homes.

In my work, as a therapist, I spent many years doing family therapy and meeting families in their homes and at my office. One of the things I heard often from parents was this desire to have their kids respect them. Yet when I broke down what they meant by respect, they would say things such as “I need him/her to do what I tell them, when I tell them.” Huh.

To them, respect from kids meant doing what they were told without question. Possibly, they believed that because they were raised in the same manner. It seems, that the further in the past you go, the fewer rights kids had within the family. However, it also seems that kids were also put to work at a much earlier age, forcing them to mature earlier than they do now.

It was the 15th century clergyman, John Mirk, who coined the phrase, “Children are meant to be seen and not heard.” This is an outdated belief that has endured for centuries. I believe some people still have this belief as if they’ve completely forgotten their own childhoods and what it’s like to live in that system.

If you’re like me, you grow up in a world where you don’t question your parents and respect all authority. Then, when inevitably an authoritarian takes advantage of that learned behavior of yours, well… it’s your fault. Your parents will wonder why you didn’t use common sense and question what the authority figure said.

Any attempts to show that’s what they taught you will be balked at and you will be gaslighted. Humph! Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Hang tight. It takes a little while to shake off that behavior but it can and will be done.

What is it then that our parents are not telling us or teaching us correctly? Well, it’s this: The difference between respect and obedience. You see, many parents, without knowing it (because it’s been instilled in them), want a child’s obedience which is completely different from respect.

Obedience is just doing what people tell you without question. Respect is being able to ask questions and make a choice that is best for you with consideration and politeness.

Obedience is an impatient, dictatorial, micro-management system that gives complete disregard to the responsibility of the authoritarian. The only time it should be used is in cases of safety and emergencies; however, even those times are times people can be taken advantage of so knowing the ‘authority’ figure is imperative.

I understand the teaching of obedience is in the bible and many Christian people feel this need to hold the practice close to their heart. However, I would challenge many of the interpretations of what has been written in the bible because so many people interpret things to fit their needs. My husband wrote a great article about this very thing:

Historian and activist, Howard Zinn, coined the quote, “Historically, the most terrible things — wars, genocide, and slavery — have resulted not from disobedience but obedience.” Take time to think about that before you completely refute its truth.

Many studies have been done to show the negative effects of blind or complete obedience. Milgram’s Obedience study using shock treatment has been the most popular and cited. Within the study, participants gave ‘shock’ treatments to people who made mistakes on a test. Even when they didn’t truly want to give the shocks, over half of them did follow through.

Looking back, we now understand how unethical this study was due to the following issue: “In a large number of cases the degree of tension [in the participants] reached extremes that are rarely seen in sociopsychological laboratory studies. Subjects were observed to sweat, tremble, stutter, bite their lips, groan, and dig their fingernails into their flesh. These were characteristic rather than exceptional responses to the experiment.” One can only imagine how awful they felt afterward and/or how it affected the rest of their lives.

The other thing I point out to parents is this: “Would you like your decisions to become long-term behaviors in your kids or short-term? What is your goal?” In other words, is what you’re asking your child to do something you want to instill in their core belief system or something you want them to do only while you’re around because you’re hella scary?

Here’s the thing, fear breeds obedience and short-term results. Most of us have done things our parents demanded while thinking, “What a f**king a**hole.” Thus, if our parents had the intention to provide deeper meaning to what they were asking us to do, it went right out the door. Communicate in the same way long term… well, your kids can’t wait to be 18 and never have anything to do with you again unless you’ve instilled Stockholm Syndrome in them.

On the reverse side, communicating patiently with our kids, giving them room for questions, allowing them to say no with good explanation, and enhancing their decision-making skills (with natural consequences and a few reprimands mostly for safety) will create long-term lessons for them.

Let me give you an example. Johnny went to school in 32-degree weather today and forgot his winter coat. His father has told him 550 times to bring his coat to school. When he comes home he complains about being cold and forgetting his coat. One of the two things can happen:

Obedience: Johnny’s father yells at him and says, “G-d dammit! I told you to take your coat. How many times do I have to tell you?! Why can’t you learn to do what I tell you? That’s it! You’re grounded for a month!” This might get Johnny to take his coat but it also makes Johnny’s dad a complete a**hole.

Respect and/or Long-Term Lesson Teaching: Johnny’s father says, “You were cold? Why?” Johnny says, “I forgot my coat.” Johnny’s father says, “Oh, I bet that wasn’t pleasant. How did that feel? What did you learn from that?” Johnny’s father is allowing natural consequences to create the lesson because we don’t have to go through things like that too many times to learn our lesson. Additionally, Johnny hasn’t been chastised or belittled so he can take time to instill this lesson into his own psyche. That lesson will endure although there may be slip-ups because sometimes we just make mistakes.

Now, when we become adults and our parents are still insisting on obedience but labeling it ‘respect,’ it becomes very confusing and emotional. Some parents' use of guilt for control and manipulation in order to get their needs met can be outright emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, as stated before, it is usually done without self-awareness or meaning to hurt anyone. Many times, parents have difficulties accepting changes and want things to stay the same. Ever hear, “You’ll always be my baby?” Touching but also telling.

When adults come into my office and are ‘scared’ of disobeying their parents, it’s a definite red flag. I have to work with them to have them understand the difference between respect and obedience. I then encourage them to stop living for their parents and start living for themselves because obedience does NOT feel good in the long run. Respect does.

You may be asking, what does respect look like? Respect is being able to say no, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” It is being able to say, “I’m okay with you believing that but I don’t.” It is giving help when you can, referring it to others when you can, and creating boundaries to prevent others from disrespecting you. Others can be disappointed or sad because things didn’t work out for them but instilling guilt or cutting kids off because they didn’t do what they were asked to do is NOT respect. It is manipulation, control, and emotional abuse.

So next time your parents demand you do something for them and you don’t have the time, I encourage you to stand up for yourself and kindly say, “I so wish I could but I really don’t have the time. Sorry about that.” If said in the kindest way possible, you don’t need to own their response or emotions to your decision.

If they cut you off or stop talking to you, well they just demanded respect and didn’t give it. Many times people say, “Well, they’re my parents.” I say, “Because they’re your parents they should be treating you with MORE respect than the person on the street.” No relative should treat us worse because they’re our relative. Quite the opposite.

So please make your boundaries. Demand respect while you’re giving respect. Don’t enable hypocrisy. And I highly encourage you to teach the difference between respect and obedience to our future generations.

Namaste