DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE — IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE SUBTLE
Donald Trump Converts to Buddhism
Tweets: “If you see Buddha walking down street, buy him out & offer a piece of future earnings. Good biz, better karma. Great karma. #ArtOf TheDeal”
[Disclaimer: this was an April Fool’s joke — it’s supposed to be subtle.)
Filed: April 1, 2017, 12:01 a.m.
Lumbini, Nepal (AP) — For over 2000 years, pilgrims have traveled to the sacred grounds where Buddha was born. But today, perhaps the most famous and powerful guest of all time has turned the quiet monastery located in the Rupandehi District into the media center of the world.
In a press conference broadcast throughout the world, Donald J. Trump resigned his presidency and renounced all business dealings with Russia and China.
“I’ve found my true calling,” said Mr. Trump, as he unveiled the new facade constructed above the Mayadevi Temple. “I’m a people person, always have been, always will be. I realized that it’s not enough to MAGA when I could MEGA (Make Earth Great Again).”
In keeping with his vow to give up all worldly attachments, there would be no huge illuminated gold letters proclaiming “Trump Temple.” Instead, those five familiar letters were tastefully carved into the stone above the entrance.
Trump continued, “I mean, look at all those great leaders of the past. Moses goes back about 3600 years. Buddha, about 2500. Jesus is over 2000 years old. Even Muhammad is almost 1500 years old. These were great leaders, just great. But what have we had since then? The world is in terrible shape right now. Terrible. There’s still poverty, famine, disease and war. And who needs terrorists? Amiright? People are just looking for a great new leader to turn things around, so I thought, ‘why not?’ That’s why I’ve decided to learn everything I can from each of these great leaders, and help save mankind.”
Trump moved the press conference to the top of a newly cleared mountain, and commented that having a good view was a definite help in his meditation practice. He then went on to discribe his plan to save the world.
“I figured I’d start with Buddhism, because it’s a wide open market here. Everyone is just doing their own thing, seeking illumination, and not hung up on position and power.”
“If I tried to save the world as a Christian, the Vatican would react as if it was a hostile takeover. And who needs the aggravation?”
“If I tried to bring the light of a new world to the Jews, all I would do is argue for centuries with Torah scholars, and who needs that? They’re even more opinionated than Congress. And none of those guys can be bought, unlike my good buddies Little Marco and Lyin’ Ted.”
“And Islam? Well, fuggetaboutit. We’ve got what I call a little history between us. So there’s no point in stirring up trouble with them right now. They’re even worse than U.S. Circuit Judges when it comes to strict interpretations of the law. Oh, they’re strict. Really strict. And they don’t forget about the slightest slight. I mean even that Mexican judge hasn’t said a peep since I settled the Trump University lawsuit. I mean, we might even go out for tostadas after it’s all said and done.”
“But those Imams, they’re tough. Real tough. So I figured I’ll save saving them for last. Makes sense, right? You want to start with your base, and then work to convince the opposition, by finding common ground and then eventually winning them over. Because when you follow me, you’ll be a winner. You’ll win so much, you won’t believe it. But you won’t get tired of it, because who would get tired of heaven?”
A wall of video monitors showed scenes from around the world as people reacted to the press conference. On every screen, millions of people could be seen cheering and dancing in the streets, a fact that was not lost on Mr. Trump.
“As you can see from the reaction, people absolutely love the idea of me saving the world. With my transition team, I will undergo complete purification followed by illumination in the next 100 days. With that wisdom, I should be ready to move forward to the next religion.”
A host of orange clad servers distributed champagn flutes filled with sparkling apple cider to everyone in attendance, so they could toast the start of the Make Earth Great Again campaign.
“I really feel good about this, and so do my kids. Ivanka said I look fantastic in orange. She’ll be releasing a new line of designer robes that will make Buddhism attractive to even the most chic and sophisticated shopper.”
“I want to thank all of you for coming today. This is a big day. Really big. I can hardly wait to get to work. I know people are going to love it. And let’s face it. Saving people is waaaaaay better than killing them. How else do you get referrals? It’s simply good business. And good karma. Very, very good karma.”
Mr. Trump turned off his microphone, put his finger up to his lips, then closed his eyes and began to meditate.
More political satire…
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