Does This Mean You’re Gonna Become Butch?

5 of the funniest questions people asked me when I came out as a lesbian

For a lot of LGBTQ+ people, coming out to friends and family is a life-changing experience.

It can be emotional and raw and bittersweet. Sometimes it’s bitter. Other times it’s sweet.

Some of them never see it coming — you slip stealthily under their gaydar and shock them with your revelation when you circle back. Others have simply been waiting for you to come out and address the rainbow-coloured elephant in the room so that you can start planning your coordinated Pride outfits together before all the tutus and glitter sell out.

But one thing is universally certain:

Coming out is a learning experience.

You learn that people are either for it, against it, or couldn’t give a damn about it.

You gain an insight into people's curiosities about your lifestyle and oftentimes those curiosities are hilarious. I’ve been asked all manner of things about my sexuality over the years and these are a select few questions that have stuck in my memory from those days.

Cue the blinking white guy meme.

1.) Does This Mean You’re Gonna Become Butch?

My mum asked me this as she stood before me in the kitchen — hot rollers in her hair and a fresh piece of toast in her hand.

I’d just come out to her… and that was her first question.

My mother grew up extremely sheltered. And when I say sheltered, I mean sheltered. She told me that when she sat down with my pre-teen brother to teach him about sex, he ended up not only knowing all about it but actually telling her a thing or two.

So when she asked me this question upon my coming out, I wasn’t remotely surprised. Her limited perspective of lesbians was that they were all butch. And I’m about as feminine as they come.

I reassured her that I wouldn’t be reaching for the clippers or trading my cottagecore dresses for flannel shirts or carabiners any time soon. That even if I wanted to present otherwise, being femme is innate to me — it courses through my veins and out into my wardrobe.

She breathed a sigh of relief and said: “Oh thank God!.. short hair really wouldn’t suit you.” And promptly went back to preparing breakfast.

2.) So… Are You a Vegan Now?

My friend Catalina asked me this as we sipped 2-for-1 mojitos in a dive bar after work.

Vegetarianism (veganism being a more modern development) has been heavily associated with lesbians historically and is one of the core stereotypes (along with reading Virginia Woolf, wearing overalls, and not shaving our armpits) applied to us.

It made me laugh at the time because while it may sound ridiculous to assume a correlation between sexual and dietary preferences, I will say that over 90% of my queer female friends are vegan or vegetarian. 2 of my exes and a summer dalliance included.

And bear in mind, this is Spain, where living as a vegan is like making a haphazard dash across No Man’s Land. Buy yourself a “vegetal” sandwich and don’t be surprised to find it contains tuna, ham, or at the very least, hard-boiled egg.

So, what’s the deal with the veggie lesbian stereotype? Tilly Rose talks more about it here.

3.) How do you… you know… do it?

If I had a penny for every time someone has posed me this question in a whisper as they slam their spliced fingers together like scissors cutting each other in half, I’d be writing this article from a beach house in Fiji.

For some reason, lesbian sex is one of the most popular porn categories visited online, and yet one of the most mystical areas of sexual activity. People love to consume it and yet don’t really understand how it works.

I will never forget this scene in UK Gogglebox when the spectators watched 2 women engaging in grown-up activity in the British drama Gentleman Jack:

It’s evident that a lot of people consult adult entertainment websites for their sexual education. And in many cases, where ignorance, absence or plain, unadulterated prudishness prevent guardians from giving us all the necessary details, it’s not altogether surprising.

However, the acts depicted in porn are little indicative of real-life relations. And when people hear the truth from the horse’s mouth, they’re often shocked to discover the weird and wonderful ways in which women make love to each other.

Bless their hearts.

4.) Does that mean you have a crush on me?

No. For the love of God, no.

Sofia, an old colleague, asked me this when she became aware of my sexuality one day at work. I tried my best to hide my smirk as I stirred sugar into my coffee in the break room. She wasn’t the only one. Vanessa from accounting had the same question.

For some reason, as soon as people at work hear that you’re queer, they assume you’re harbouring a carnal desire to pin them up against the nearest photocopier and recreate the sink scene from Fatal Attraction.

No, folks. While workplace romances are not uncommon, let’s not assume that just because we’re contractually obliged to spend extended amounts of time together that I’m going to develop a big gay crush on you.

For anyone who needs to hear it:

Just because I’m attracted to people like you, doesn’t mean I’m attracted to you.

Unless I end up working with Vicky McClure, in which case I can absolutely guarantee an all-consuming, mammoth-sized workplace crush. At least from my end.

5.) Are you happier now?

Now this is a question literally everyone I came out to asked me. And it fills my heart with joy whenever I think about it. A question like this comes from a place of support, respect and desire to see you thrive.

And it’s been my pleasure to confirm to those few caring souls that I am the happiest I’ve ever been as a result of embracing my sexuality. And that’s largely thanks to them and their love. Cue hugs and tears and warm fuzzy feelings.

My friends' and family’s questions about my sexuality have made for some extremely funny and heartwarming conversations. I’m so fortunate to have people who not only allow me to be who I really am, but actively seek to create an environment which encourages it.

Not everybody will be accepting, but those who are? Boy, do they make life that little bit more beautiful.

Natalie S. Ohio is a British-Nigerian LGBTQ writer who enjoys writing about the queer experience. For more content like this, check out her other LGBTQ+ articles here!

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