Does “Never Taking No For An Answer” Really Work?
And other questions I have about this piece of advice
This piece of advice has never really sat well with me — anyone else?
Never take no for an answer.
At first, I wondered if it was just initial resistance to a new concept, particularly one that differed from my usual way of doing things. Especially when this piece of advice is so often coupled with narratives of hustling and demanding for what you deserve, advertised with the outcome of success, it’s hard to distinguish signal from noise on such a simple 6-word sentence.
The Valuable Elements of this Advice
This saying distills important values such as perseverance and stepping outside of your comfort zone to try something new (e.g., make a request) in pursuit of a goal. These two pieces are crucial skills in the journey to achieving your goals.
This goal champions the concept of effort and pursuance, which is a double-edged sword to hold.
But I also think that too strictly adhering to this or even over-applying this rule can be a downfall.
Perseverance and Pursuit in Absence of Understanding Feedback
To me, the most concerning part of how this piece of advice is inappropriately applied is when people interpret this as a statement of sheer effort. Interpreting “never take no for an answer” too literally can be a downfall when you don’t consider exactly why you’re being told “no”.
My gut-rejection of this statement is probably because I encountered this statement in dating far before I ever encountered it in a business or work context. Getting ceaseless requests and advances despite stating and showing no romantic interest in someone paints such a clear, visceral picture of how trying to overstep boundaries (the “no”) without understanding or even listening to the feedback contributing to the decline is ineffective.
It’s ineffective because you and the other person have differing goals and simply restating by sheer effort what you want over and above what the other person wants only builds towards a sense of repulsiveness and rejection.
Sheer effort or pursuance in absence of understanding which direction you’re driving in can sway you far off course.
The Importance of Collaboration
Perseverance in a work sense is effective when your goals align with the goals of whoever you’re collaborating with. This requires intentionally directing your efforts towards something that benefits a common goal rather than solely fulfilling your own needs.
When you receive a rejection, is the person you’re corresponding with willing to share some feedback on why they declined your offer? Often, rejections don’t happen because your idea is low quality, but rather than there isn’t a good fit. Instead of framing it as feeling “less than”, focussing on tuning into the feedback on why it wasn’t a good fit can lead to two outcomes:
- If the opportunity arises and you get to pitch your idea again, you now have a better understanding of what this company or client needs to further tailor your offer given what you can provide.
- You might learn the boundaries of where your services might be most appreciated or wanted, and learn to pivot your efforts towards a more narrowed niche given the needs of the community.
Collaboration doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to drop your own values and adhere solely to what a client requests, but it should also not be seen as the opposite — where you refuse to shift your values and try to come back with sheer effort to persuade.
Distinguishing the Signal from the Noise
A simple 6-word piece of advice like this is popular precisely because hard-and-fast rules feel comfortable to adhere to in a sea of confusing, gooey mess. It can be so difficult to distinguish signal from noise when it comes to accepting feedback, especially in the day and age where you can get both valuable feedback but also misplaced anger and hate from different avenues.
I started thinking deeply about this advice when an acquaintance from high school approached me for a business opportunity that upon deeper investigation, was a Multilevel Marketing scheme (MLM).
The term marketing (MLM) refers to a strategy used by some direct sales companies to sell products and services. MLM encourages existing members to promote and sell their offerings to other individuals and bring on new recruits into the business. (Investopedia)
These businesses are often controversial as they rely on recruitment over other members to become members as a way of generating income, where individuals on the “bottom” rung of referrals often earning little to nothing out of the interaction. It also engenders a type of incessant marketing tactic that co-opts real entrepreneurial advice for more questionable practices.
It’s often hard to provide any feedback to anyone you personally know who has fallen into an MLM scheme because built into the ecosystem are a number of affirmations and advice like:
- “Don’t take no for an answer!”
- “Don’t listen to the naysayers, they don’t understand your entrepreneurial journey and they’re just miserable old farts stuck in their 9–5!”
These pieces of advice effectively negate any evidence-based concerns that loved ones might bring in on the validity of being in an MLM scheme.
Yet, I want to acknowledge that the complexity of this advice is that many of my generation have chosen unconventional career routes. First-generation YouTubers who made it in their careers to create content for social media also probably encountered a lot of concerned parents and families chiming in, precisely because what they were doing was new.
It’s precisely why strongly worded advice that begin with “never” or “always” are so complex. When they’re moving in the right direction, they empower you strongly in that direction. When you’re moving in the wrong direction, oh boy, can it be a banana peel of doom.
Do Your Due Diligence When Applying Advice
In the end, it would be ironic for me to first criticize the piece of advice for being too strong and then end off with a definitive piece of advice. Instead, I leave you with a few questions, surrounding the value of doing your best and doing your due diligence when sifting through the myriad of advice.
- Rethinking effort and perseverance: Where do you most want your efforts to shine? Where will perseverance, routine and endurance make the most difference in the direction of your goals?
- Welcoming feedback: What role does feedback play in honing your directions and plans? What kind of feedback is unwelcome and discarded? What kind of feedback is welcomed as part of your growth?
To me, this is a question of balancing your own needs vs. learning to listen in on the needs of others. Sometimes, you have to center your own against a backdrop and history of having given up too much of yourself for someone else. Other times, you may need to shift back towards accepting more feedback to better understand where you stand amongst others you collaborate with.
Only you have the true answer to that, and in making the time to do that reflection on a regular basis can you have the most accurate, up-to-date grasp on where you fall in this balance.
Hi I’m Lucy Dan 蛋小姐 (she/her/她) and I’m here to inject doubt, not to shake your resolve, but to create a regular sense of reflection. Because we never create in a silo, and we create in collaboration with other people, and in working with groups of people there will always be diversity in thought, beliefs and values.
Hop down the rabbit hole? 🐰🕳
