Do You Trust Your Gut When Cheating Is Suspected?
Dissecting the clues that break your heart.
“Delete our love messages” This was the message that was open on my partner’s phone when he gave it to me to talk with a friend.
I completed my call but by then, the app had locked the messages so I could not place it in further context.
“What was that?” I asked him about the message.
It set off a firestorm of gaslighting, “wow, she shared some messages her boyfriend sent to her and she is shy about them and added that after reading them, I should delete them”
One thing about my ex —the lie he will tell, is never scarce in his mouth.
“I don’t understand… shouldn’t she have said, ‘delete my love messages? She said, delete our love messages”
And then the jokes started. I was too serious. If these messages were not so personal to the girl, he would have shown me.
But, why is our employee sending you her love messages with her boyfriend? Where is the boundary? She doesn’t have friends, colleagues, or neighbours? Has to be her boss?
The jabs set in. This is why people aren’t free with you. People find him relatable and share their awkwardness with him. Me on the other hand, I was standoffish and not relatable.
I had heard that all my life but I struggled to believe that this was all there was to this story. It had far too many details and none of the proofs.
Suddenly taking his sleep apnea quite seriously. He had to take this one staff with him on all his trips to see his doctor. Also, now, he needed to sleep alone in his room, with the door locked because he needed solitude to be the Elon Musk of Africa. I had to identify myself by knocking and if he could, he would open the door.
I talked my heart out about all these new changes but, most of them were ‘in my head’ and I was ‘accusing him and this young innocent woman, ‘falsely’.
But, something was not right — in my gut, in the house, and with us. When we talked, the jokes were taken out of context, did not land anymore, or were now accusatory. Maybe some of mine was, after all, an Igbo proverb says:
In jest, the truth is told.
“Tell me the truth” I would plead with him.
“You are just paranoid” was always the response.
Every day I went to bed heavy in my soul. Something was off about all of this…all of him and I was going to be at the receiving end of it. I felt it in my gut and I was right.
One day, the whole proof came out. I confronted him and it flew quickly from “you are paranoid” to “you drove me into her arms with your paranoia”.
You gotta laugh.
If you suspect cheating, chances are your subconscious has started picking up clues that you must confront. There are changes I observed with my ex:
- The hiding away of his phone. I walk in and he will sneak it off the table or he will stop pressing on it. Like dude, I can see you!
- The many calls that were now taken on the balcony.
- The midnight calls until 1 AM which he will claim were business related. Again, dude, I am in this business.
- I stopped getting information about the runnings of the business. Every business decision was now being made by the employee. She was suddenly the go-to person.
- My partner got touchier, verbally abusive, and defensive, would scream at me at all hours, would push me forcefully, threaten me with everything, give me ultimatums and punish me if I defaulted, set my times for going out and coming back, and slammed doors in my face — it was everything evil.
- My opinions were disregarded and I became “stupid”, “lazy, and useless”.
- Intimacy was shunned. I was a problem and problems could not have intimacy.
- When it came to feelings and communication, it was like they could hear me but could not understand me anymore.
So what do you do if you suspect your partner is cheating? You have options but let me tell you these 3 truths:
- This wasn’t about you. It wasn’t your fault.
- You may feel horrible if it ends up being the truth but, you are not a victim. For a victim, this is all about them. Reframing your perspective should give you some strength.
- Do not expect closure, remorse, or repentance.
In Africa, it is a man’s world. You are a fool if you walk away because your man cheated. My ex never expressed any real remorse. It was his birthright to sow his oats with as many women as he wanted. I was a fool if I did not see that fidelity was against his DNA. I was a fool if I did not see that the natural order was that men are the head, women obeyed and the world was right.
See westerners with their high rates of divorce? Children suffering because their stupid mother left and wouldn’t accept that a man is entitled to as many women as he wants? That so long as a man provides, what should you care? In fact, if you were a good woman, you will provide the women for him. A man should not be given the burden of fidelity. It is against his nature.
I got the very wonderful offer of being a kept first wife or being left to rot in poverty.
Good news, I was already called a fool and treated as one. How much worse would it be if I walked away? I made the best decision of my life when I prepared and left.
Trust your gut when you suspect abuse. In Africa, women lose their lives by staying in abusive relationships. I am sure this isn’t limited to Africa but have that difficult conversation and know this —
The right decision is the one that is best for you.
Thank you for reading. Buy me coffee?