Do You Still Squirm When I Say “Transgender? ”

Summary

The article discusses the importance of understanding and acceptance when a loved one comes out as transgender, emphasizing the continuity of love and relationships despite the transition.

Abstract

The text addresses the common reactions and misconceptions people have when someone they know identifies as transgender, particularly the fixation on physical aspects of transitioning. It encourages allies to move beyond surface-level concerns and focus on the enduring aspects of their relationship with the transgender individual. The author stresses that while the initial reaction may be shock, it is crucial to support the person's journey towards authenticity and not make it about one's own feelings or plans. The article underscores that fear of change is often unfounded and that the core of the person remains the same. It advocates for unconditional love and acceptance, reminding readers that their control is limited to their own actions and reactions. The author shares personal experience of overcoming fear and embracing a loved one's transition, highlighting the joy and commitment that can follow. The piece concludes with resources for further reading on allyship and the author's own path to unconditional support.

Opinions

The author believes that focusing solely on the physical changes associated with being transgender overlooks the deeper aspects of a person's identity and the relationship shared with them.
It is expressed that the fear of losing everything when a loved one transitions is unfounded and that the essence of the relationship can remain intact.
The article suggests that the shock of learning about someone's transgender identity should not lead to hurtful reactions or comments, as it is a personal journey for the individual coming out.
The author emphasizes that hate or rejection based on someone's transgender identity is unwarranted and questions the motives behind such negative reactions, whether they are rooted in religion, societal norms, or personal discomfort.
The piece advocates for the continuation of love and acceptance post-transition, arguing that if one could love the person before, there is no reason to stop doing so after they come out.
The author shares a personal account of initial fear and gradual acceptance, demonstrating that with time, one can adapt to the changes and maintain a loving relationship.
The article promotes the idea of being an ally to the LGBTQ community, providing links to additional resources for those seeking to understand and support transgender individuals better.

A lesson in letting go of your fear

The physical, visible stuff is what most people think about when you say the word “transgender.” Who has which parts, real or purchased? The whispered conversations start there. Heads tilt, eyes squint, eyebrows draw in and furl, as the average soccer mom or blue-collar dad tries to think about any of it. Or not think about it all.

To me, it makes a lot of sense that if you’re going to keep all your focus on the surface stuff- the things you can see with your eyes- you may never figure out how to give this person of yours, the one you already love, the freedom to live their life with love and joy and acceptance.

So while it’s very likely, your first thoughts are something like, “Holy shit,” it’s never productive or helpful to say that out loud right now. Nor is anything else that has to do with how YOU feel. It’s not about you.

The biggest thing to think about when you hear the word transgender is, “How much will stay the same?”

What keeps you from asking that question? Your fear that you are losing everything as this person transitions? It’s not real. It feels so genuine, but truly, losing everything because your kid or brother or mom comes out of the closet? Typically, that only happens if you let it.

Don’t get me wrong.

I did NOT just tell you it’s no big deal, OR that you have some right or ability to demand things turn out as you planned. Right down to which weekend you were ovulating, that was also a full moon, with the big red heart on the calendar. You planned for everything with this child, this friend, this sister or dad. You had an idea in your mind of happily ever after, and switching from Buds to Boobs wasn’t really the plan. Tough.

Read that again.

Tough. Too bad. Get over it. I'm sorry.

It is not within either your rights or your abilities to change or not change anyone besides yourself. It is true what they tell you in 12-step meetings, and flowery sermons, the only person you can control is you. And if you could demand others follow your command? I shudder to think how things would roll around this place.

Why should you really hate someone when he or she comes out of the closet, if you loved him or her some hours ago, why now? Is it a religious thing? A neighbor thing? A sex thing? Are you truly going to go there? No hating! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

It’s a safe bet that your loved one who just stepped out of that closet really wants you to continue to love them and accept them. After all, you did an hour ago. Why shouldn’t you now? Really, why? I’ll wait while you form an answer you can actually say in mixed company.

Take it in slowly. Someone you love. Get that done solid. Someone you love. Is transgender. You may need to say it in pieces for a while. I get that. I did that for FAAARRR longer than I would like to admit. I was terrified. This was a whole new ball game for this grandma.

But now, as we walk through our days with comfort, laughter, serious times, and lots of not so serious times. We enjoy our lives. We live with outrageous love and commitment to each other. Forever. Just like we have from the moment this kid showed up.

Thanks for reading. We can work together through the transition in your life!

Being an ally to the LGBTQ community doesn't need to be so scary. Here’s more about becoming the one who supports your person.

My journey to demonstrating unconditional love, which is really what an ally does, began here.

LGBT| LGBTQ |Transgender| Allyship|/ Love

Do You Still Squirm When I Say “Transgender? ”

A lesson in letting go of your fear