ARTICLE/BLOG
Do You Need To Achieve Things To Feel ‘Worthy’?
On self-worth and identifying a toxic achievement mindset.
This week, I’ve achieved two personal milestones: I reached 50 stories on Medium, and received an e-mail notifying me that I’m a “Top Writer” in the topic of Television. This wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t receive ongoing support from readers: thank you so much for taking the time to engage with my work.
These achievements mean a lot to me, as I’ve acquired levels of consistency in my writing that I once thought I was not capable of obtaining. Keeping yourself motivated is so tough, especially when you’re struggling with mental health problems. These milestones couldn’t have arrived at a better time.
In terms of mental well-being, it’s been a particularly difficult week. An emotional rollercoaster — so many ups and downs. One day I feel like I’m on top of the world, ready to conquer any challenge life throws my way; the next I feel like absolute dirt and am riddled with self-doubt.
My brain just keeps telling me I’m a total failure no matter what I do.
Not sure if anything triggered this, or if it’s just another bad wave hitting the shore. Either way, the negative self-talk has been off the rails. It doesn’t even matter what I’m doing. It’s always there.
A stupid, painful pest.
During these especially bad waves, I have to actively remind myself to not diminish my own accomplishments: they’re important and weren’t easy to reach.
However, they have also reminded me of a troubling part of my psyche: I tend to feel worthless if I don’t constantly accomplish things.
I have a hard time getting rid of this mindset that I’m a huge, unlovable failure if I have no ‘notable’ achievements.
Being An ‘Unhappy Achiever’
Lance Dodes (M.D.) in his article titled “Are You An Unhappy Achiever?” describes this toxic achievement mindset perfectly:
For complex reasons, they feel that they have to achieve just to feel valuable or worthy. Achievements aren’t a joy; they’re a necessity. When someone is forced to achieve just to have any value, then they can’t stop. Stop achieving, and they stop being lovable. It’s a terrible burden.
These damaging thoughts start from a young age. Many times, parents (usually inadvertently) give their kids more affection and attention only when they succeed in something, thus that negative association is continually nurtured. They instill in them that their value lies in their ability to achieve.
As they grow older, unhappy achievers might push themselves too far to maintain these unhealthy expectations. They might strive for perfection, and be too hard on themselves.
You might have an adverse relationship with achievements if your wins pale in comparison to those nagging thoughts that say:
“I need to keep doing more and more, or else I don’t matter.”
“What am I if I’m not constantly achieving things?”
“I have to keep working no matter what.”
“I will not be loved or valued if I’m not successful.”
Just last year, I couldn’t even bring myself to write anything. During those months I was numb, which is scary and difficult to describe to others. Since I had absolutely no drive or motivation to create things anymore, I felt worthless. Doesn’t help that oftentimes symptoms of depression—such as fatigue and a lack of motivation—can make you be perceived as simply “lazy”.
In the present day, I’m trying to maintain a healthier relationship with achieving things, but it’s so difficult to not feel so unworthy, as it’s been ingrained for such a long time. Burn-out tends to exacerbate these negative thought patterns as well. Whenever they come up, I try to take a break and remind myself that they’re not true.
Reaching these two milestones is something that I strive to use in the present and future to motivate —not diminish—myself and my goals.
We have to let ourselves actually celebrate our wins, not view them as evidence of our worthiness.
If you believe you have an unhealthy relationship with achieving, or just wish to self-reflect, ask yourself:
What is truly motivating me to achieve? Is it coming from a place of genuine desire, or is it stemming from a need to feel valued?
Am I doing it for myself, or for others?
Thank you for reading! How would you describe your relationship with achieving?
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