Men

Do Penises Matter?

What does it mean to be a man, and who cares?

Society used to have a lot of special jobs just for men.

They are generally physically stronger and their bodies do not bear or nurse children, so we gave them all the jobs that required brute strength or couldn’t be safely done by someone pregnant or holding an infant: fighting in wars, hunting, performing heavy farm work, building structures — all stuff that, in modern times, few men will ever be called on to do.

Maybe your husband has to go out and hunt big animals to feed your family, but mine doesn’t (and is a vegetarian in any case).

He hasn’t had to fight in any wars. He served his compulsory military service in the Netherlands mostly by working at a dental clinic where generals got their teeth cleaned, so look out if we ever have to wage war by biting each other: He is prepared.

He is pretty handy, which is good, because our old fixer-upper house always needs fixing up.

Is this what makes him a man?

No. Plenty of men don’t know how to wire a room or install a toilet, and some women do. Building stuff is considerably easier now, with power tools, than when our ancestors had to cut down trees with axes.

Any of us can fill roles that were traditionally male or female. Anybody can be a nurse, a stay-at-home parent, a soldier or a mechanic.

There isn’t one agreed-upon way of answering what makes a man a man.

At one time we thought we had an easy answer: Men have penises and women have vaginas. That was before most of us knew anything about trans folks. We can’t fall back on that answer anymore.

For most of history, men and women wore very different clothing, but that’s not always true now. There aren’t any laws enforcing gendered clothing.

We live in a time of unisex clothing and hair.

My husband’s muscular build and facial hair mean nobody is ever going to mistake him for a woman, but he wears his long hair in a ponytail — just like I do.

So if it’s not appearance, actions or the presence of a penis, what makes a man a man, anyway? I argue it is their feeling that they are one and their desire to be seen as one.

That’s my opinion, of course. It’s a fraught question. Some people are very, very concerned that men behave a certain way, dress a certain way, and — above all! — have a penis.

If I were planning to be in a sexual relationship with you, then yes, I’d require you to have a penis. But otherwise, why would I care what sort of genitals you have under whatever you’re wearing?

If you tell me you are a man, I will take your word for it.

But conservatives disagree.

Sigh. Don’t they always?

They are worried that men today are not manly enough. Tucker Carlson — before he had to tucker his little tail between his legs and run away — was very, very worried about men, and other men’s balls. (If you’re not tanning your balls, are you even a man?)

Josh Hawley has written a book about manhood in which he recommends men get rid of porn and look to the past. How very Republican of him, but I would rather men look to the future.

As Carlos Lozada brilliantly wrote in a New York Times opinion piece, “This is a book that raises its fist, then runs for cover.” We all saw Hawley raise a fist to the traitors and then run from them.

Do you know who did pull off what could be construed as traditional masculinity that day? Lots of people, but for this piece, I’ll focus on Caroline Edwards. As a police officer trying to hold the line against the traitors, she described slipping in blood but persevering.

I am astounded that Hawley had the nerve to call his book Manhood after such a cowardly turn. I don’t know what he should have called it. I’d say Pussyhood, but I find that word offensive and inaccurate.

Everyone knows pussies are far tougher than balls, anyway.

I don’t see that genders matter very much anymore.

Men can grow a beard and wear combat boots or they can dress as androgynously as Timothée Chalamet. They can take jobs as lumberjacks or as kindergarten teachers. They can father children or not, as they please. They can do whatever they want.

Women are ahead of men, even sans balls.

We already figured out we can do traditionally female things or not, as we prefer. I love being a wife, mom and grandma and I thoroughly enjoy cooking. I wear long hair and like dresses.

But I’ve also run a newsroom, and I cannot tell you how often some admiring male journalist told me I had balls. As the editor of a daily paper, I wasn’t afraid to speak up, take a stand or defy authority.

To clarify, I have no balls at all, and I have never felt like a man. I appreciated them complimenting me for being tough, but the thing is, toughness is not a masculine trait.

Isn’t it funny, really, that when we picked one body part to embody the traditional masculine trait of toughness, we picked the most delicate part of their anatomy? And then, when we wanted to come up with an insult for men, we chose the female part so tough that it can push out a 10-pound baby and then be just fine a few weeks later?

Think of the grit some of our foremothers had — packing up all their children, climbing into a covered wagon and spending five months living in it, to give one example. You want to call those women “the weaker sex”? That’s ridiculous.

Fuck masculinity and femininity.

Men can be and should be tender. Women can be and should be strong. We are fond of saying women can do anything men can do, but it’s equally true that men can do anything women can do.

There are only a few exceptions related to our biology, and there are fewer of them all the time.

You seldom hear about a crisis in femininity.

You do, however, hear about the harm done to women by men who are — without a doubt! — very intent on presenting themselves as traditionally masculine.

Identify yourself however you wish, regardless of your genitals or how you like to dress and present yourself. Either way, be kind when that is called for, tough when that is needed and honest and trustworthy always. I don’t give a shit about the rest of it.

Let’s answer the question I posed.

Yes, whether you have a penis does matter in one instance: If you’re about to have sex with someone who prefers penises. If you’re a straight man and a woman wants to have sex with you, all she really asks is that you have a dick but don’t be one.

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I’m a writer in central Illinois. Find me on Substack, Mastodon, Twitter or LinkedIn.