Do Not Believe The Hype, Not Having a Father does have its Benefits.

It’s typically a sad story but this entry flips that narrative.

Dear Thoughts,

Coming from a single-mother household, I have found myself in multiple discussions with individuals who grew up in a dual-parent household. Typically those discussions consist of: upbringings, the privilege of having both parents vs. the disadvantages of having a single parent; Lastly, the highlights of “ass-whoopings” we received during our childhood. However, recently I had a conversation with a friend that hit different!

“You are privileged!” says my friend after I used a “pool” analogy to explain a person upbringing in life. He continued to say, “Sometimes I wish, I would have been thrown into the pool like you! Because in hardship, you somehow overcome them with ease while I have to lean on the support of my family. Which upset me at times because I should be a better swimmer.”

To put the analogy in context, I stated, “The water illustrates the chaos/ struggles of life while the concrete represents stability. One swimmer is born, then thrown into the water while the other is born, then taught how to swim.”

My friend pointed out how the analogy made him think about parenting:

“A child with one parents is the swimmer thrown into the pool because they didn’t have the chance to experience stability, while the child with two parents is the swimmer outside the pool.” He expressed.

An atomic bomb exploded in my brain! Instinctively, I geared up to reject his comment and tell him the long list of experiences, conversations, and research that support my disadvantages. I even wanted to point out how a duel-parent household doesn’t automatically grant a child stability. All to insert my beliefs and opinions. But he was right. Not about being a better swimmer, that would be comparison, but pointing out how I am able to endure hardship to achieve a goal. Some how being “thrown into the pool,” gifted me with the privilege in resilience. However, I couldn’t shake how, foreign, his comment felt.

It is time to keep it transparent, my be-love thoughts; here’s to: Do Not Believe The Hype, Not Having a Father does has its Benefits.

Why does this sound foreign?

After that conversation, I still could not see how my father’s absence allowed me to be privilege. Thus, I searched the web and stumbled across,

As it stands, though fatherless kids have nothing to prove, the fight against the stigma is somewhat omnipresent. When people from two-parent families hear about a single parent “situation,” they often subconsciously assume you’ve been damaged by the fallout: that’s just not the reality. — Cecily Trowbridge,

Stopping my train of thought, I recognized how the opinions of other became the bases of my reality! Why? I believed in what people said, and their words influence me to see my Father’s absence as the reason for particular defects plus disadvantages I faced. Never fully addressing my situation, I constantly consumed information that fueled that belief. Which contributed to me playing down my worth. How could I validate myself when I am in the constant pursuit of fixing damage goods? How could I consider my resilience as a privilege when I have been wrongly damaged?

With much mediation and more research I came across this famous quote by Charles Horton Cooley, an American sociologist, who said:

“I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.”

I was in awe! I came to see how those previous questions stemmed from what I thought people thought of me and my circumstance. That why my friend’s comment felt foreign! Since I “thought” people thoughts on my upbringing as “damage goods”, I operated in that space of mind. Like a snowball rolling downhill, I continued to build a lack of awareness of what strengthens I have gained over the years. Never noticing my advantages in my disadvantages.

Now I can see I am not “Damage goods.” I see my Father’s Absence and early hardship played a factor in the development of my character. Factors that gifted me to endure the waves of life. But how is resilience a privilege?

Why is Resilience a Privilege?

By definition, privilege is a special right or advantage only available to particular groups. While resilience describes the action of withstanding or quickly recovering from a difficult event. Understanding the two words, I never heard someone say “resiliency is a privilege”! As outlandish as it sound, I opened my mind to the idea.

I began thinking about the many individuals I knew from personal encounters. I recalled how those individuals folded under pressure when challenges arrived. Which in some cases resulted in not completing their goals or full-filling their dreams. A selected a few, unfortunately , committed suicide.

Then I consider the moments where my mental and emotional blocks chained me down. Reminding myself how I contemplated the uncertainty of success, the consequence of failure and the lack of support. However, no matter what was going on, I had this internal thought, whispering, “It is because of the unknown I have gotten this far, no need to be afraid now.” I never recognize that whisper as a voice of resilience. That was my way of thinking from being born in an unstable environment. Once again I was in awe! To think the absent of my father and experiencing hardship early, help me in overriding certain fears or struggles.

Opening my mind to this concept of privilege, I am began to see, how someone who can withstand or has prior experience in hardship has an advantage many do not get to experience.

This is not to say I or anyone with this privilege of resilience is better than another, but I can see how it truly a benefit in having the experience in knowing how to endure and bounce back to complete a goal. I am humble to even be consider in a group of resilient individuals.

Conclusion

Smacking into my friend’s wall-like comment, this idea of being privilege because of a missing a key factor in my life, is a new from of thinking that will continue to grow. I do not take take this privilege for granted and I hope anyone that grew up with a disadvantages can realize they too have an advantages that grant them with a special privilege, a special benefit many do not have or learn later down in life.

Sincerely,

A Black Bastard.

P.s

I am not ignorant to how GOD, my mother, and my friends played a role within my achievements. I am not ignorant to how particular hardships, even the absence of a father, has servere impact. I am not ignore to the privilege of having a father! I am definitely not cosigning that people should be forced into hardship to earn this privilege. I believe everyone have it with them or at least can be taught. I wrote this to highlight the good in a bad situation. Resilient is a privilege! There are many people who off themselve when face with one hardship. I genuinely look forward to the day to hear another list of traits that contribute their Privileges in Resilience!