Do Men Have More Freedom When it Comes to Expressing Their Dating Preferences?

Having preferences is healthy, but we should be mindful of how we express them

This morning I was scrolling through Medium, and I noticed an article about a woman being ‘gross.’ The accompanying photo was an overweight woman with pink hair. I knew before I read the article that it was going to be about a bigger woman being body shamed.

In the article, the man who wrote it talked about a woman who found him attractive, but she was fat and that disgusted him. He called her gross and doughy multiple times within the article. He implied she was desperate simply for wanting his attention. He tried to limit the backlash he might get by saying that he doesn’t have an issue with overweight women, but this woman was gross.

He had written that article to anger people because angry people read articles that would earn the writer more money. He got what he wanted because his article had fifty replies the last time I checked. Many of these responses are from women who are unhappy about how he wrote about this woman, while some readers actually agreed with him.

What if a woman had written a similar article? In the past, whenever I’ve rejected a man, he’s always asked me why. The question has always made me uncomfortable, and I try to find my way around it. I’ll make little excuses like I don’t have time to date, or I’ll find another ‘kind’ way to reject him. He usually has a ‘solution’ to this, like when he tells me he doesn’t mind working with my busy schedule.

Sometimes the friends of the men who ask me out get involved. They’ll ask me why I’m not interested in their friend. If I’m honest and say that I’m not attracted to their friend, they’ll beg me to give him a chance anyway. Usually, they’ll argue that their friend is such a nice guy, a great person, and they’ll claim, “You would be perfect for each other,” despite having nothing in common.

Years ago, I worked with a man whom I had to continuously reject. He began insulting me and the man I dated. He cruelly told me that if he had to rate my looks on a scale of one to ten, I was a two. He also told me that the man I was interested in was dating forty different girls, and he liked to clip his toenails with his teeth. When I told others he said this, they thought it was fine or that he was joking.

The same people who thought my coworker’s antics were fine went around asking girls if they would date a man who was unattractive. Any woman who said ‘no’ was asked why, and told that he was a sweet guy. When I said that I dated for personality, my coworker said he could respect that and liked my answer.

I can’t help wondering why I was expected to have that answer.

What about if our places were reversed, and I wanted to ask out a man who didn’t find me attractive? If he was a cruel man, he’d likely call a friend and make fun of me. In fact, the man who wrote the article about the ‘gross’ woman did just that. He called a friend up and had a quick laugh at her expense.

I realize that not all men are like the man who wrote the article, but the men who are like him are loud. The men like him will rarely respect a woman’s feelings and are fine with making remarks about a woman’s looks, especially her weight.

As a woman, I’m expected to be the kinder sex. I’m expected to care about hurting people’s feelings, but sometimes it gets exhausting. It’s especially draining when you aren’t afforded the same courtesy. I couldn’t imagine ever telling a man that I was rejecting him because I didn’t find him attractive, or even writing an article describing what I didn’t like about him.

The contents of the article didn’t surprise me, because I’ve seen many similar scenarios play out in person. From the infamous, “you’re not that cute anyway,” comment to making remarks about a woman’s weight, I feel like I’ve heard it all. I’ve even been on the receiving end of those comments more times than I care to remember.

While I believe there is nothing wrong with having preferences, there is no reason to shame someone who doesn’t meet your standards. There’s no reason to write an article or make a podcast about someone you find unattractive. Simply saying you aren’t interested in the other person goes a long way.

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