Do I Want to be a Submissive?

Part of me quietly screams YES

Wow. Okay, this is a big one.

Really.

I’ve spent most of my adult life in one relationship. Even though we don’t have sex anymore, it’s been good. Or at least it hasn’t been bad. Mostly. We’re actually trying to talk more and connect. Maybe it’s because I’m more open, or perhaps it’s because he sees that I’m moving on. Who knows.

Since my awakening as the Adulteress Extraordinaire, I’ve been asked many questions.

• Do you like anal? (F to the NO)
• What’s your favorite position? Umm, aren’t they all? Except for Anal. Please see above.
• Will you swallow? Please go away. Stop asking that one.
• Are you submissive?

Hmmm, well. I don’t know anymore.

I used to tell them that I was an egalitarian and that I wanted equality in the bedroom. I needed to be an active participant and take charge when I needed to.

But after talking with a few good men, I’m not sure that’s true anymore.

Especially now.

I’m being seduced by TheDarkWon, beating his chest and showing all his might and strength line by line. Message by message.

He wants me to be HIS.

His dark promises are full of making my body his own creature, remolding my center into his shape, and knowing every creak and dip in my body. He would write my road map to suit his purpose.

But do I want to be his? I’ve been reading his cries in the dark over and over. They are seductive. Dark and deep but seductive nonetheless.

TheDarkWon thinks my husband is a fool for letting me go to waste when I have so much desire and passion to give. He said this repeatedly until I told him that subject was a hard pass.

Red

What do I have to concede? Dignity? Pride?

Control.

I have to give him control over my body, my orgasms, and my decisions in a bedroom. I have to let him set a scene where he has my best interests at heart.

Media and society have made his words dirty to me. And not in a good way.

Cumming in my face. Leading me across the floor on a leash. Cum dripping out of my pussy that he wants me to eat. Slapping my face and body if I misbehave. Gagging me with his cock until tears stream down.

The slapping gave me pause. A large one.

Before some people yell at me and say that I got it all wrong, this is only a snippet of our conversation. He doesn’t want to truly hurt me or cause me pain.

He wants to help me unleash what I have inside and become his. He wants to become mine and claim that he is Clara’s. The words are heady and beguiling for someone that craves attention.

I crave what I can’t have

I worked long and hard to be where I am in this life. Giving up control to any man in that manner would be difficult. I’m not sure I can do it.

He senses this too. He’s so keen on asking me questions, giving me scenario after scenario to see what I’d say. How far he can take this. How far he can take me to fulfill his desires.

I can’t fault him for that. Everyone should get what they want and need. With consenting adults, clear communication, and the intent of joy, you can have this. It works. It’s not demeaning or degrading. It can be beautiful.

I’m scared. Shitless actually

My fear is what stops me from saying yes. This is what stops me from letting him have that control over me.

My body is aching from what he describes. Yes, he’s turning me on. I won’t deny that. Part of me wants this. Deep inside where my monster sits, watching the world until I let her out.

Devour him whole

To give in and give up control. To become the ravenous beast and consume him. To let him take me to dark places.

What now?

So tonight, I sit here confused. Wondering what to do. He’s waiting for my answer. I might say no. I might ask more questions. I may research.

I’ve stood on the edge of a cheating cliff for a long time, waiting for the right man. Can I take that final leap? Soar into oblivion?

I might just say yes. Give him all.

Monster included.

I’m trying not to be a hypocrite…I’m really not.