Relationships
Do Friendships End When The Purpose Is Served?
It's not you, it's not them, it's just the timing
Honestly, I find the concept of friendship a little over-glorified.
I used to be a shy and introverted kid during school life. As a result, I had only a few friends. College was only a bit better, in that I made a few more friends and had ‘fun’ times.
A reality check at being 27 and married — I have one friend and that’s it.
I neglected some friendships, while in others, I was the one being neglected. I tried hard to keep them, only to ultimately let them go. I have lost more friends than I have gained and friendships linger as mere memories for me now.
I am not complaining (and for some reason, I feel the need to mention that — I guess, it’s because of the trust issues I have with myself!). This isn’t a rant post or a piece of endless whining.
This post is about me finally coming to terms with reality and being okay with it.
Friendships end when their purpose is served and there is nothing wrong with it. It’s not them, it’s not you — it’s just timing and situations.
Now, can we all accept that?
We can and we should or there will be no end to your disappointments.
I have spent nearly a year in Ireland without any ‘real’ friends and I lived just fine.
There could be multiple reasons for a friendship nearing its end. According to this article by the NY Times —
Sometimes, it happens because our own lives are changing and entering new phases. The friends we surround ourselves with in adolescence serve a different purpose than the friends we seek out when we become young adults. Our needs change again as we marry or partner, when we have children and when we have an empty nest.
And it all makes sense.
Blaming and accusing your good friend of ‘changing’ and ‘becoming selfish’ can only take you so far
We all change (including you and your friends).
So, no, stop finding faults in your friends. It's really not them. It is very much possible that your interests and values don’t align anymore and none of you is right or wrong.
We simply need to accept that.
I have found myself thinking a lot about one of my friends from school.
We were best friends for a while. She lived only 10 minutes away from my house and so we often hung out after school and did study sleepovers. We shared all our secrets with each other. We spent hours talking on our landline phones.
Our friendship thread started to loosen when I moved to another town for college. It weakened further when I decided to get married and my priorities shifted to my life partner all of a sudden.
In between all those years, we both changed. Our values became different. Her focus shifted to her career. She made new friends, I moved to another country. Differences sprung up between us. I judged her and very possibly, she judged me too.
It's not that I don’t need her anymore. I miss her (obviously, because we have spent such good times together) but honestly, trying to keep it going just feels like dragging, and it isn’t really fulfilling.
Humans are wired to socialise for a purpose
And if that purpose is served, humans have very well evolved to move on.
This, I feel is a reality, a rather difficult one to accept. I know all those casual friends — they come and go, but good friends (often best friends) also come and go. No matter how hard you try, things will never feel like before.
I am not breaking any ties with anyone. As someone who used to be a good friend, I will try my best to be of her help, if and when she needs me, but I am done pushing the relationship.
I still think friendships are beautiful and girl friendships are even better
What are your thoughts on this?
A couple of days ago, I came across this heartfelt piece by Mark Goblowsky, to which my response was —
It is strange how pain and strength come hand in hand
Varun Khadri is a creator. I follow him on LinkedIn, and he shares his journey of growth. In this story, he talks about resiliency, and how he manages to accept and keep going, even after getting a piece of shocking news.