53 Disclaimers We’ll Never See on Medium … and Counting

Updated April 11, 2024 — Helpful warnings we could really use on Medium

Medium can surprise us every day.

That’s the case if I judge by how often I’ve expanded this list since first publishing it. Thanks for all your comments and suggestions. Keep them coming!

Why aren’t the Medium Rules of Etiquette abundantly clear? Why do we each have to learn by trial and error how to safely make our Medium way?

If you’re like me, you’ve read a lot of stories on Medium. Probably thousands of them. You’ve also clapped, commented, and interacted with countless other writers.

Below I propose some disclaimers I’d really like to see on Medium to help us all navigate more quickly.

I’m a lawyer, so you can trust me when I tell you these are all perfectly legitimate disclaimers.

Let me know in the comments what disclaimers you would add to the list.

DISCLAIMER: This post is meant seriously … unless you take offense. In that case, you shall interpret the offending text as satire.

Why aren’t the Medium Rules of Etiquette abundantly clear?

Medium disclaimers we’d like to see but probably never will

1. DISCLAIMER: This story was written by ChatGPT or another AI program. You will waste several minutes trying to figure out if the author just communicates poorly, does not have a deep point, or is inhuman.
2. DISCLAIMER: This is the only story published by (Author). They have not been active on Medium for XX months and counting.
3. DISCLAIMER: This is the 356th story published by (Author) on this topic. You will spend approximately 140 hours of your life trying to find something new that you didn’t learn in the first article you read.
4. DISCLAIMER: All of this author’s other stories are about (i) the crypto Ponzi scheme they are flogging, (ii) coding in Python, (iii) sexual fetishes, or (iv) poems consisting exclusively of three-word stanzas. This is their only story tagged with (Topic of Interest).
5. DISCLAIMER: This author does not use Grammarly. They thought it read “Gramma,” and said, “I’m not having my grandma read my stories!”
6. DISCLAIMER: You’ve been hit by a Hollow Follow. This person followed you without reading a single story. They’ll clap on anything. They are trying to get to 100 followers as quickly as possible. You will never see them again.
7. DISCLAIMER: This person followed you after reading one story. They have 8.4K followers and follow 15.6K others. You will never see them again.
8. DISCLAIMER: This person has been active for a few weeks and only now realizes the Medium Partner Program is not available in their country. All their future articles will be split equally between (a) railing at the fundamental unfairness of the world and (b) explaining why they’re OK with it.
9. DISCLAIMER: (Author) whom you just followed is a one-way writer. They have 100K+ followers and follow just 147 people. They will never follow you.
10. DISCLAIMER: This article was published on (Author)’s personal blog. They have included only a teaser here and will require you to click through to their blog. They have no complete articles on Medium.
11. DISCLAIMER: (Author) has drunk the side-hustle Cool-aid. This article contains 29 affiliate links but no content. This is harder to do than you think.
12. DISCLAIMER: This one is your own fault. Did you really think you were going to learn something new by clicking on another “What I Earned on Medium” story?
13. DISCLAIMER: (Author) is going through the manic phase of their unfortunate manic-depressive condition. This is the 14th of 22 articles they will publish this week. Read on. They need your support.
14. DISCLAIMER: This is an “I did it, you can too” story. Apologies, but you can’t do what (Author) did because you’re not them. And even they don’t know all the factors that contributed to their results. See also Disclaimer 32.
15. DISCLAIMER: (Author) has discovered that they can insert an unlimited number of pictures into a story. This story has one line of text per picture. You will scroll for approximately one week before you reach the end before asking yourself (rhetorically, of course) why you did it.
16. DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY IS IN ALL CAPS. WHY? WHY? WHY? YOU’LL NEVER KNOW.
17. DISCLAIMER: This reader clapped one time only on your story/comment. You know they have been on Medium for more than 15 minutes. Thus, you ask, are they clueless, annoyed, pressed for time, or trying to insult you? Wondering which it is will cost you precious minutes of your life.
18. DISCLAIMER: This person clapped 50 times on your story, but did not read it or comment. You’ve been struck by a clap-baiter. They hope their enthusiastic clapping will trick you into checking them out. (Thanks to Carlo Zeno for putting me on to clap-baiters, and Smillew Rahcuef for describing them so well.)
19. DISCLAIMER: This person is a Robo-commenter. They will give you some claps and comment on all your articles. Their comments consist of “Awesome,” “Great story,” “Love it,” or similar variants. They did not read your story and do not really love it, or you. (Thanks to Smillew Rahcuef for this idea, and BichoDoMato for elaborating on it.)
20. DISCLAIMER: This article is clickbait from start to finish. You suspected it from the title. You knew it as soon as you skimmed a few paragraphs. What are you still doing here?
21. DISCLAIMER: Don’t worry, Medium is not cheating you of Reads credits. Coach Tony confirmed that it’s not necessary for readers to the very bottom of your article. Kudos to Gareth Willey for spotting and explaining this.
22. DISCLAIMER: dis story is written without capitalization ur punctuation you wanna think teh author is being clever or existentizalist but the prevalance of tpyos is causing you to duobt
23. DISCLAIMER: You’ve been struck by a hollow follow. The person who followed you has a profile but has published no stories whatsoever. There is nothing to check out. [Ed. note — probably just a reader.]
24. DISCLAIMER: The person who followed you has hundreds of stories organized in lists under their profile. It will take you several minutes to realize that they have written none of them.
25. DISCLAIMER: This author uses a background color so vivid that your eyes will water after reading a full story. Plus, you will see everything in color contrast for a week while popping aspirin for a headache that won’t go away. But, hey, at least they stood out!
26. DISCLAIMER: You suspected the author was manipulating you, and a check of Medium’s Distribution Standards confirms your fears: the author exploited your worries, used a provocative image, and the title overpromised while withholding context. (Thanks October J. for the inspiration!)
27. DISCLAIMER: You came here because Medium notified you an author mentioned you in their story. Curious, you will scroll to the bottom only to realize that the author has mass-tagged hundreds of writers in a desperate attempt to drive traffic. (Thanks Alexander Semenyuk for calling this one out!)
28. DISCLAIMER: This person gives advice about how to earn money on Medium by writing, but has few followers, has published only two articles, and their article looks like it was formatted by a blind raccoon. Why exactly are you still reading? (Thanks Jason Provencio for the idea and the next one!)
29. DISCLAIMER: This author looks surprisingly helpful and has taken the time to offer many tips and advice on how to earn money online. You will get all the way to the bottom of their article before realizing that not only is every link an affiliate link, but they are shilling for their paid course.
30. DISCLAIMER: You’ve heard of first responders. This is the dreaded no-responder. This author writes interesting stories that generate claps and comments. But for some inexplicable reason, they never respond to reader comments. Don’t bother writing a comment because it will sit, unheeded, for all eternity. (Thanks Shane Berry for this excellent idea!)
31. DISCLAIMER: This comment comes from just one of this person’s multiple Medium accounts. They use fake accounts to clap for themselves but also to leave snarky comments without consequences. Nothing can stop the many-headed Hydra. (Shane Berry once again.)
32. DISCLAIMER: If you follow the advice lovingly described in this article, “Your results might suck just as much as mine.” Sure, I imply that I’m on the path to success. But I still live in my parent’s basement and haven’t seen daylight for two weeks. (Credit Paul L. Bucklaw for the delightful quote.)
33. DISCLAIMER: The person stopping by to comment is unaware that Stanford withdrew the Harmful Language Initiative. They believe words are violence and your occasional use of swear words represents a personal attack. They will devote considerable time to explaining why they will not devote any time to reading your work.
34. DISCLAIMER: Medium’s algorithm recommended this story to you for the sole reason that it already got many reads and it’s from a popular author. Who cares if the author hasn’t been active since 2019? Hey, Medium has to make some money, too, or none of us would be here. Cut us some slack. (Thanks to David Loewen for the inspiration!)
35. DISCLAIMER: You just got a new subscriber, hooray! Before you celebrate, wait a few weeks to ensure they’re not a rare but unpleasant boomerang subscriber. These will wait until you check out their work, perhaps following them or subscribing to their stories yourself. They will then unsubscribe without a backward glance.
36. DISCLAIMER: The person you’re interacting with has gone Clap-Happy. They’ll give 50 claps for anyone and anything. Your story, your comment, someone else’s comment. (Not to be confused with #18, the clap-baiter, who claps without reading.) It started when some Cheetos dust stuck in their keyboard, but they liked the magnanimous feeling of being King of Claps (and Queen of Claps). It’s a mostly harmless affliction. (Thanks to R C Hammond for this inspiration!)
37. DISCLAIMER: You’ve been hit by a Sharing is Caring commenter. They haven’t read your article, but are happy to leave a comment saying “Thanks for sharing.” Opinions are divided on whether this means “I don’t care for you or your work,” or “I am a kind soul and I want to spread love.” (Thanks to Denis Gorbunov for the inspiration!)
38. DISCLAIMER: You’ve attracted the attention of a Comment Novelist. You will spend more time reading their heartfelt comment than you spent writing your story. In fact, their comment is longer than your story. (I was inspired by Dan Foster for one. More recently, Philip Writes gave a most excellent example.)
39. DISCLAIMER: You’ve been hit by the Happy Highlighter. They might read your story, they might not. You’ll never know because they never comment. But they light up your story by highlighting it from start to finish. (Thanks to Worrickjk for pointing out this one!)
40. DISCLAIMER: This article was written with a shameless plug to the CEO of Medium (Tony Stubblebine in case you’re wondering) or to a prominent author (Tim Denning to be clear) in the hopes of hijacking the algorithm to drive views. It got you to look…
41. DISCLAIMER: This story reflects the quirkiness of the human mind, which appears to be infinite. If you don’t understand at all what the author is saying, consider that a reflection of humanity’s diversity. As Gareth Willey 😊put it in an article about used camera lenses, “Bizarre specs produce unique results.”
42. DISCLAIMER: The person commenting on your story is a Deliberate Misunderstander. That is, they are taking an unreasonable reading of your story and criticizing you for opinions you don’t hold and didn’t write about. No amount of interaction with this person will shake them from their delusion. (Thanks to Denis Gorbunov for a thoughtful exchange of comments that led me here, describing the opposite.)
43. DISCLAIMER: The author of this story wants you to be a better reader … of their stories. This is the Cheap Trick disclaimer, as in the band and their song I want you to want me. The author helpfully points out that you become a better reader by, e.g. “scrolling to the very bottom at the end of this story,” clapping the full 50 times, or commenting. (Thanks to Jason Provencio for the inspiration!)
44. DISCLAIMER: Most of the Reads on this story come from Facebook Freeloaders and Twitter Thieves, who have no Medium membership but exploit a flaw that allows them to read & clap for free. Starving authors continue to starve despite great readership. (Thanks to Robin Wilding 💎 and Lesley Dewar There's always another story to tell for highlighting this menace.)
45. DISCLAIMER: Here’s the truth about making money on Medium: Medium sucks up time. And it doesn’t deliver anything close to what you need to pay the rent. (Shout out to Susie Kearley for delivering this depressingly accurate one.)
46. DISCLAIMER: For the humor-impaired and satire-blind readers, this post contains statements that you really should not take literally. I am trying to make you laugh. Please, please, do not leave a comment pointing out that my advice would cause the Earth to implode. (Thanks to R C Hammond for the exchange that led to this idea.)
47. DISCLAIMER: For the humor-impaired and satire-blind readers who just can’t help themselves from commenting, please make sure to write a vitriolic comment that reveals the depth of your outrage on behalf of people you’ve never met and probably wouldn’t be able to pick out of a lineup. Your comment ironically makes my article more entertaining. Thanks!
48. DISCLAIMER: All the comments on this story come from one of the author’s multiple Medium accounts. (See Disclaimer 31). The back-and-forth in the schizophrenic comment section is actually quite funny. (Thanks to the many personalities in the head of Smillew Rahcuef, including his Grandma Smillew and Coach Smillew.)
49. DISCLAIMER: This article has many readers but few claps because it was mostly read by Clap Connoisseurs, defined as someone who hoards claps for “pieces that stir their souls, leaving them awestruck.” Alas, I seem to have left readers shaken but not moved. (Thanks to George J. Ziogas for the fine inspiration.)
50. DISCLAIMER: You’ve been hit by a Comment Grinch. The Grinch knows their comment is going to serve as a spoiler to future readers, and comments anyway. Are they so desperate to show they’re clever, are they compelled by some strange compunction, or are they just mean? (Thanks to my friend Smillew Rahcuef for pointing out this creature’s deserved inclusion.)
51. DISCLAIMER: You’ve attracted the attention of a Serial Commenter. You thought your story was wildly popular, but all 24 comments were left by the same person. This person will leave their first comment on the caption to your picture, and will not stop until their fingers cramp from carpal tunnel syndrome or the 100-a-day limit forces them. (How could I have missed it? Thanks to Nanie Hurley 🌿for calling them by name.)
52. DISCLAIMER: You’ve been struck by a Comment Stalker. This person claps on all the comments you’ve made on another story but never reads anything you write. They are an enigma, appearing and disappearing without discernable pattern. (Thanks to Bette A. Ludwig 🔍for identifying this miscreant as well as the following one.)
53. DISCLAIMER: You’ve been hit by a One-Highlight Wonder (the opposite of the Happy Highlighter in #39). This person tactically highlights just a single word or sentence, sometimes at the start but often near the bottom of your story. They want you to think they read the whole thing, but you know better.
54. DISCLAIMER: (Your contribution — to come)

The Informal Rules of Medium Etiquette

I love Medium, and I suspect you do as well.

I hope these DISCLAIMERS can serve as informal Rules of Etiquette to help make everyone’s experience better.

Or in case you were offended, we’re just having some fun.

Be well.