Fiction/Memoir

Diary, 1984, April 4: One Crazy Day

The time I got this girl English Beat to laugh

Dear Diary,

Today was the best day ever in Mrs. Morris's’ English class. We were having our boring old spelling test when this new kid everyone calls G with frizzy hair brought a Whoopi cushion. We passed it around the room and every guy with balls sat on it and let out these rad farts during the middle of the test.

She was getting all upset which made us want to keep doing it. Some kid would say air biscuit or chocolate air freshener after each fart, and Mrs. Morris was starting to turn red in the face she was getting so angry at us.

Sreese was telling me to do a real one. So when Rodrigo S-C gave me the whoopie, I thought what the heck. No one is going to know the difference, right? So I sucked air in my ass and farted. It was this totally squeaky fart.

I forgot all about this chick Sally Prag from England or Wales who sits in front of me. She turns around and says all prissy, “Ew, that was real.”

I know she farts like everyone else. I don’t know why she acts superior. I think it’s because of the nickname my bro Michael L Butler gave her: English Beat.

The other nickname he gave her is, “Mirror in the Bathroom.”

Sometimes, he sings the song to her in this English accent, “Mirror in the bathroom please talk free the door is locked just you and me.”

I heard Janet Meisel and Anjali Joshi say my brother has a crush on her. They said it’s a form of foreplay whenever guys tease a girl with a nickname.”

Shall I have a spot of tea with Sally? I’m gonna ask if she knows Mr. Darcy.

Oh sh*t, am I flirting with her, diary? Nah, maybe my brother likes her.

Anyways, I forgot to say the best part of Mrs. M’s class. This TA chick KiKi Walter and Susan McCorkindale knock on the door and start talking to Mrs. M. That gives time for Sreese to give the whoopie to the guy with the biggest balls Michael and dares him to put it under these cushions on Mrs. M’s chair.

She walks back to her desk and pppppffffftttttttt. It was rad. Bitchin’. The best part was it sounded just like a real fart and she turned to beet read. I couldn’t believe it, but Sally was even laughing. Maybe, there’s hope for her after all.

However, Kristine Laco and Kristen Stark said all of us boys were immature.

Maybe, Sally will forgive us for getting her friend Adelina Vasile to say, “I got to poo in the refrigerator” in class to ask Mr. Stormo to go to the bathroom.

I have to admit that was pretty low. Especially now that Sally clued her in.

This is turning out to be one crazy year with Sally from England, Adelina from Romania, and Faraj from Sudan coming to our school. Faraj is listening to Def Lepard and Val Halen, and he blocked 12 shots — 12 shots — in his first game.

It was frickin’ amazing, diary.

I was shooting hoops before school and saw 7-foot Faraj practicing a Kareem Abu-Jabaar skyhook. If he gets that shot down, Fajaj will be unstoppable.

I can’t just feel he is going to lead up to the state championship in Sioux Falls. The guy is a dominant force and he said he just started playing basketball.

I feel sad he’s here because his country is in a war, but he’s turned our basketball season around. This one girl Deborah Camp started talking politics to him, and I saw poor Faraj get tears in his eyes thinking about hs country.

Farts and Faraj. The English Beat and the Romanian Chick. Gerald Sturgill told me he’s writing a story called United Nations comes to South Dakota.

Other people in the story in their fictional form are Moon Man Gaurav Jain and Dr. Funny aka Big Baller Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg).

This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are part of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Though some parts of the story are true to meet The Memoirist’s guidelines.

Here’s the story (thanks, Sally) that inspired it:

Want to learn how to create characters in a Memoir? I’ve created a YouTube video on this subject or if this story made you laugh, buy me a cup of coffee.

Subscribe to Medium and support me and thousands of other writers by clicking here.