Death of the Quiet Man — A Journey of Self-Expression to Find Happiness
Finding the courage to move through my anxiety
Although I am a middle-aged man, any relationship I had over three months was sadly considered a long-term relationship.
But I longed for what most people thought of as a long-term relationship. The more I thought about not having a relationship, the more depressed it made me feel. I gave up on the idea of finding my one true love.
I thought I was doomed to a sad single man’s life.
The people parted like the sea. In an instant, there she was. She didn’t see me. But I saw her. She was petite. Asian. Cute. And she was wearing multi-colored tights with a yellow T-shirt.
As quickly as she appeared. She vanished.
In 2019, I was at a new-age healing festival at a large convention center.
“Wow, there are heaps of chicks here. It’s going to be easy to get some phone numbers,” said a guy who had walked into the men’s toilet and broadcasted this to no one in particular.
This type of talk made me feel uneasy. Talking to women has always been a challenge.
But when I saw her, I thought she was the one.
I was standing near the entrance of the convention center. And she was walking with someone at the other end of the hall. The crowd of people quickly engulfs our pathway. I could no longer see her.
I remained at the event for another 2 hours. I didn’t see her again. Not that I would have had the courage to ask for her cell number. I didn’t have alpha male energy as the toilet guy because I was a quiet man.
I was the person in the room that you wouldn’t have noticed if I was there or not. Little did I know this would change in time. I left the event with a heavy heart, as I thought it wasn’t meant to be. But I was wrong.
Love somehow finds a way.
Seek and ye shall find
Later that night, after the event, I went on social media to find information on the key speaker who was at the festival.
And there she was. Petite Asian girl wearing colored tights, in a yellow t-shirt. She had had a photo taken with this speaker. This photo was on the speaker’s social media page, and they tagged her into the picture.
My heart was pounding a million miles an hour. My scheming mind started going. Why don’t you add her? My doubting mind kicked in — no point. She will never want to interact with you. I took a deep breath and added her as a “friend.”
We exchanged a few messages online. This progressed to the exchanging of cell numbers.
Fast forward 3 ½ years later, and our relationship painfully ended. We tried three relationship counselors to help. But nothing could breathe life back into our relationship. The relationship was like a sunken ship with a hole in the side that couldn’t be repaired.
This is how my longest and most painful love affair started as a middle-aged man.
Those years were truly the best of times and the worst of times of my life.
The quiet man
I was a quiet, introverted man with no life purpose. I was your typical nice guy. Passive. Aloof. Moving through the world wearing a pleasant smile that hid my discomfort.
Like a duck on water, I was calm on the outside, with a stoic appearance. But unbeknown to those around me, my mind racing with anxious thoughts.
During our relationship, I could tell she wanted me to step into my full masculine power. But I lived in fear. I have a dark, traumatic past in my childhood.
Fear was my constant companion. It separated me from life and other people like a protective barrier.
Act on your ideas and magic happens
I don’t know exactly where I got this idea.
Six months after I separated from my partner, I decided to do those things that I always wanted to do but was too paralyzed with fear to do.
I quickly formed a mental list of those things I wanted to do:
- Form a men’s group
- Present a workshop
- Hold regular Circles (a group relational practice)
It was, to me, an extensive list and also not achievable. The reason is that I struggled to talk in a public forum. All the things I wanted to do involved public speaking. In work meetings, I would only talk if asked, as I experienced too much anxiety to speak.
However, I had been to many personal development workshops over the decades and I wanted to be the one up on up stage. I had the romantic ideal of leading and helping men discover who they were at their core.
But I thought, what the hell? I am going to go for it.
A strategic thoughtful process
The three goals felt overwhelming and daunting. But achievable when broken down into achievable parts.
The men’s group I considered the easiest because it was a facilitator role, rather than presenting content for an hour. I would only have to talk a few minutes at the start and end of the event.
During the lockdowns, I would go with my partner I had separated from or a friend who lived around the corner for hour-long walks. They turned into reciprocal therapeutic sessions. I thought I could get men in my community to go on walks together and have similar shared type of experiences. Thus, the Men’s Walk and Talk group started. Eight months on and it’s still going strong with a group of 131 men.
Three months ago, I held my first workshop. A new friend that I met at a men’s event saw articles I had written on men’s health. He suggested we do a workshop together. I said yes, with an excited and nervous heart. We have now completed 2 workshops and an online course.
For the last 6 months, I have been holding monthly Circles. This is an inter-relational practice where one group member gets “circled.” It’s a safe and welcoming space created for the participants to delve deep into any challenge they are facing. I had done Circling practitioner training 13 years ago but was too scared to run them myself. I have now been running monthly Circles for the last 7 months.
I don’t know where the courage came from to do these things. I suspect I always had it. But it was hiding under an inner rock. This rock was displaced by:
- The breaking down of my relationship
- Wanting to end the feelings of loneliness and isolation
- A desire to experience happiness
- Wanting to help other men
I still experience anxiety when presenting at events. But it quickly passes within the first few minutes. And I am enveloped by a warm desire to serve others.
I found an inner strength that I think we all have. I now wish to help other men find their inner courage and move away from their inner quiet man. Allowing them to express themselves in the world and experience happiness.
