Dear Xander: The Case of the Missing Testicles.

Xander helps other felines with treat issues and helps a neutered cat make peace with his recent surgery.

Dear Xander is an advice column for feline readers. If you have a question for Xander, please leave it in the comments and he will answer in a future column.

Xander and his best friend Anya will be getting their teeth cleaned later in the week. As he, unfortunately, suffers from chronic gum disease, he may have to have a tooth pulled.

Xander has announced his intention of putting out his usual column next Monday. He may still be under the influence of pain medication, however.

Let this serve as a warning: the September 2nd advice may be somewhat … odd. He tells me he expects to be very creative if a little sleepy.

Dear Xander:

Why do my humans put treats on the bed when I have to tippy-toe to even see them?

Exasperated

Dear E:

I know it can be annoying not to have your treats handed directly to you. Why should you have to get up to find them?

Honestly, though, isn’t it kind of a fun game to find them by smell? I play a different game. I like it when my human tosses my treats across the room. I run for them as they sail over my head, then land and scoot across the hard tile floor.

The second toss is even more fun. I am in the other room having swallowed my treat when my human does a soft throw across the floor. I zoom over to it and land with my front two paws on it. This is very satisfying and my human seems to like it, too.

I should go Pro. Can you imagine all the cats who would watch me jump for the treats mid-air? Or race across the floor to catch it before the treat got away? Wouldn’t you watch that on the Animal Channel?

Anya gets the same number of treats but her style is different. She sits quietly next to our human, looking very composed. Her treats are dropped to her in-between my dashes across the room. Isn’t that boring?

Why doesn’t she want to be an active participant? She is a pretty solid hunter of bugs so I don’t understand her boredom with the dive and jump for treats.

When my human tried tossing her a treat, she just looked over at it. I scooped it up. I’m not wasting treats.

Your humans must think you are more of a detective feline. They have tailored the treat game to your style. They have done that, the same way my human has tailored the treat game to the individual cat styles in our house.

If you are actually more of an athletic cat, like I am, play with the treats. Knock them off the bed! Chase them around, eat them, and then look expectantly at your humans.

While doing this, remember that it takes a while to train humans. They can be dense. Not as dumb as canines but similar. At least they have thumbs and can open wet food cans and treat bags for us.

Let your humans see that you want a more action-packed treat time. They may accommodate you.

Xander

Dear Xander:

A couple of days ago, my humans took me to the vet to be fixed. I didn’t even know I was broken!

They say I’m healing up well, but when do they grow back?

I miss my balls, Xander. I don’t understand.

Down a Pair, Please Explain Recovery

Dear DAPPER:

What a great name! I bet you are a dapper feline! I have a bow tie I wear on holidays and to parties. I hope you have one, since you came up with that name through naming yourself in your letter.

So, I have some bad news for you. Once you have been neutered (that’s the word I heard my humans speak), they don’t grow back. They are gone forever.

On the good side, you will soon feel much better. Once they do this, they can never do it again. At least you don’t have to worry about the discomfort happening again.

Also on the good side, you will stop having that restless feeling when you smell a fertile female. You will feel a little calmer and can be friends with other cats.

You may not feel as competitive with other males. Also, you won’t look at every female and only think of her reproductive abilities. Anya tells me this is important. Something about ‘male privilege.’ I don’t understand.

I was licking myself when she tried to explain it. She got a little exasperated but what else is new?

I am good friends with Anya. If I wasn’t ‘fixed,’ I don’t know that I would be. I am also ok being an only in the house cat. I hear the outside cats screeching at each other at night and am glad I’m not out there, fighting over space and females.

Anya said something about that, too. I didn’t understand but she said females should be allowed to be their own cat. Not be bossed around by the males.

We don’t boss the females around, we just know how they should do things. I kept that opinion to myself since household harmony is important.

Trust your humans but remember to milk this for all the treats you can get. Recovery from surgery is a great time to act helpless and needy. The guilt will keep the treat flow coming.

I hope you feel better quickly. I think you will.

Xander

If you liked this column, you may like one of Xander’s other columns: