Dear Woman of Colour: Is Now The Time?

You are a priority.

How can women set boundaries, prioritise self-love, and become the best version of themselves — all while manifesting what they want in life? I’ve asked myself this a number of times. Especially when we get to December and start to consider the new year and what’s ahead.

In my view, what I mention and my experience can apply to any woman, no matter who she is.

That said, as I spend so much time looking at the intersectional oppressions of women, diving into data for intersectional oppression, then trying to de-centre the understanding of oppression from feminism’s traditional female, straight, and white view point. It is my belief from doing this that: as black women, women of colour, and minority women self-love, care, and trying to be our best selves is not always easy.

At times, what the data shows me is that we have life experiences unique and distinct to us and our cultures that require self-love, care, and healing a lot.

Why self-love, care, and prioritisation are needed

For minority women specifically Korean women, there’s a unique set of oppressions she faces, which I deep dived into in my essay, When Culture Meets Feminism: How Patriarchy Oppresses Korean Women.

When I looked into the data for black women specifically, it appears the areas we need self-love and care in the most, and why, is mainly down to:

• The roles we play in our communities, our careers and experiences here, our health experiences
• What we consume from places like the ‘manosphere’

If I told you, now is the time to make self-love, care, and yourself a priority, and there’s a bouquet of flowers with your name on — would you be willing to put yourself first this December, and start a new chapter for yourself for 2024, once you take a look at what research shows?

The emotional stress of black women

Movies, social media celebrities, and even sometimes our family and friends at times can glamourise the ‘struggle love’ dynamic for black women.

Bowling Green State University, found in their study that when looking at marital divorce rates, black women were the only group to have a higher divorce rate than marriage rate.

Emotional pain is something black women are put through via family break-up and divorce — more than any other racial group. This feeds into one of the areas black women could need deep emotional healing, due to this finding in their research.

The moves we make, to be a success

The Brookings Institute found that the ‘inheritance of poverty’ is mostly likely to happen for black women, even if other studies have found that black women are the fastest group of entrepreneurs across the USA, as reported by J.P Morgan.

What this shows is that, while black women are often rooted to poverty according to the Brookings Institute, who have cited the reasons why they have made this conclusion, black women do a lot to bring themselves out of it according to the findings from J.P. Morgan.

This journey will come with lots of trauma and experiences, that can be rewarding, but at the same time bring low self-worth and esteem feelings, due to the road travelled to remove herself from poverty.

The congratulations black women get for this?

Keeping in mind that Bowling Green University found this demographic of women to have the highest divorce vs marriage rate — meaning it’s likely she might be supporting a family on her own, and still survived or surviving according to J.P Morgan is not always met with kind reception.

The ‘manosphere’ openly decide to condemn the women who get on with the job but survive, as ‘less worthy’ or ‘un-dateable’, and de-value women based on things like her good career, degree, or other things. Rather than focus on the short falls of men as fathers, husbands, etc., which could be contributing to the marriage and divorce rates.

We’ve seen this with men like Kevin Samuels before he passed away. This dynamic in the community (can at times if we allow it) adds to the emotional stress, lack of self-worth and esteem of black women.

She is doing well, but in the eyes of the men in her community — she’s the problem.

The health of black women

When we step outside of the USA, in the UK, it was found that black women are four times more likely to die in child birth, compared to white women. ‘Health in-equality’ it has been dubbed in a more recent report by Cosmopolitan

This is something that has also been cited as a state of play for black women in the USA also, the Centre For Disease Control and Prevention found that:

In 2021, the maternal mortality rate for non-Hispanic Black (subsequently, Black) women was 69.9 deaths per 100,000 live births, 2.6 times the rate for non-Hispanic White (subsequently, White) women (26.6) (Figure 1 and Table). Rates for Black women were significantly higher than rates for White and Hispanic women. The increases from 2020 to 2021 for all race and Hispanic-origin groups were significant.

Rates increased with maternal age. Rates in 2021 were 20.4 deaths per 100,000 live births for women under age 25, 31.3 for those aged 25–39, and 138.5 for those aged 40 and over (Figure 2 and Table). The rate for women aged 40 and over was 6.8 times higher than the rate for women under age 25. Differences in the rates between age groups were statistically significant. The increases in the rates between 2020 and 2021 for each of these age groups were statistically significant.

These findings could lead you to believe that, if those who are professionals are not fully looking out for the health and well-being of black women, as well as they are for other demographics of women — black women are in a vulnerable position when it comes to trusting health professionals — an added burden and stress. It also feeds into low self-esteem and being seen as valued, even in the eyes of those who are in a caring profession.

Sexual violence in the community

Corbun Place in their report cited that:

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, more than 40% of Black women have experienced intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner sexual violence and/or intimate partner stalking in their lifetimes. And more than half of Black adult female homicides are related to intimate partner violence.

There are many studies on domestic violence for black women, this is just one. If our chances of experiencing this are high it demonstrates that black women need protection from this — an added burden to her, and area of caution when she is selecting men to date.

Now is the time

Looking at data on a surface level to answer the question: how do women set boundaries and prioritise self-love? For black women the data shows that it’s a real priority based on what they can at times experience, or are more likely to experience in life.

Now is the time more than ever for black women to take their self-care and love seriously. Especially if the US Surgeon General’s report, Mental Health: Culture, Race, and Ethnicity found that the:

“Mental health needs of non-white Hispanic, or white women were least likely to be met.”

Stepping away from the data, for a moment… what else is key?

Black women face sexism and racism, they are in a unique position to have a this intersection of discrimination.

Over the years I have found many ways to help emotional healing, and deal with the many roles required of me. Some may even be useful for black women who sadly, make up part of the data around their experiences of stress, health care, family break-up, and sexual violence cited above.

It also may help any other demographic of women, who need it — I hope!

• Keep a Diary: it may seem so childish to some! But it has been one of the most impactful things in my life. I started my first diary around the age of twelve — which I still have.

Some say there is a difference between journal writing and diary keeping. A diary is a record of your day-to-day activities, feelings, thoughts, emotions — something you may not want others to see, but it’s the real you and where you’re at emotionally.

A journal is more about your ‘deep thinking’ on certain topics. The latter I use to help write articles, and answer a question to find something to write about.

I recommend keeping a diary. I’m now forty and have had a diary since the age of twelve. I look back at my diaries from ten-fifteen years ago, and I can clearly see the healing, growth, and how I have become who I am.

• Consider Men Carefully: Sadly, if we look around at social media, the ‘manosphere’ and places where we find lots of ‘toxic masculinity’ we see messages to women to ‘date down’, ‘make themselves smaller’, and some how accept and expect less from a man.

I covered this a lot in my essay, How We Take Control Of Black Women’s Femininity (2023). With the messages we have heard ‘especially for black women’ from Tyler Perry and the ‘light bill guy’, and the late Kevin Samuel’s messages on what he considered to be a woman, we can often look to these men as the holy grail on the choices we should make about men.

They try to lower the self-esteem and worth of the women in their community with their messages. Before we fall for it consider the marriage and divorce rates that Bowling Green University found, consider how the ‘manosphere’s’ message is really a way to keep you in check. Especially if it’s already be found that you are likely to be out-earning the men in the community anyway, as reported by J.P Morgan.

The choices we make around who we select as a partner can make or break us, based on the research done — consider men, their advice, and who you approve as a partner carefully.

I have done this myself too, sometimes the same ol’ same ol approach to selecting who makes a good mate and why, is what needs to be looked at as part of a black woman’s self-care, boundaries they set, and healing. I certainly realised this for myself as part of my own self-love journey and it paid off!

• Isolation Time: we’re heading into 2024, and it’s the most social time of the year, now. That said by isolation I don’t mean turning down invites to parties and having a good time.

I mean isolation from who, what, and where you give your energy. I learned probably about eight years ago, if I focus on myself, become still, listen to what my inner voice was saying, and protect my focus and attention it will always lead me in the right direction.

This along with keeping a detailed diary helped me to work out exactly what it is I want, need, and don’t need in life. To minimise the chances of experiencing anything unpleasant other situations, people, places, and things, my throw my way — again.

• Self-care Schedule is a Must: whether it’s a weekly nail appointment, at home face-mask, painting, writing, walking in nature, or whatever — have something for yourself.

In your weekly schedule pick a date and time, or a day at least where you can have some ‘you time.’ The benefit of this I have found is that it helps to boost up self-value, bring clarity to thoughts and feelings, and tunes out the noise and pressure from other areas of life.

• Don't Lower Your Standards: whatever it is you want in life, love, your work, family, or even for yourself set a standard and keep it.

Often times when I have reflected on the statistics for black women, women of colour, and minority women some of them mentioned above, I have felt that lowering standards and expectations in what we feel we deserve or want can come from a place of lack of self-worth, low self-esteem etc,. I also think this about some of the choices I have made — in the past.

If individually we are able to take control of this, it is my belief that collectively as women, the world will think twice about giving us messages of what they think we deserve or are worth.

What will you do next?

December is the final month of the year, and as we move into 2024 take some time to focus on your self-love and care using some of the techniques I have outlined, if they resonate with you.

It’s not always about spa days, pampering, and making ourselves look good physically. Based on the research, data, and statistics it would lead you to believe that it is inner work that black women, women of colour, and minority women could benefit from also — now is the time.

Have a wonderful end to your year!!

Thanks for your readership, I hope my writing gave you something to think about. If I’ve caught you in a good mood or you’re feeling kind, you can buy me a coffee here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/MeAndMyMuse. Why not follow me for more of my thought-provoking muse?