Dear “Tony the New CEO” Open Letters — A Summary

All hail the new CEO

Summary:

Dear Tony, I’d like to earn more money. Thank you, Smillew

PS: Congratulations on your new position. I’ve been secretly rooting for you since July 2014, when I first read you. Your publications are the very bestest there are on Medium (and even elsewhere). You’re an incredibly gifted writer and a man of many talents. Did I tell you how fantastic you look in your profile picture?

Medium made a terrific choice.

Please rest assured I’m not writing all this because you just got nominated as my boss. I’ve been telling it for years.

PPS: If you could demonetize everything but my articles that would be awesome.

PPPS: Seriously, all the other writers here don’t know what they’re talking about. They hide under pen names, have no credentials, and generally lie. It’s the same for me, but I have a cool hat.

PPPPS: Except for my grandma. She’s a misunderstood genius and a great writer, but you can demonetize her stories too. Or, better yet, send me the money.

PPPPPS: Actually! Why wouldn’t you do that for all the other writers? I don’t want to send a greedy vibe, so 0.1% of their earnings will be enough. See how reasonable I can be?

PPPPPPS: Unrelated, but there’s something odd about recent pictures of boobs. Could you look into that?

PPPPPPPS: I know nobody reads so far in the post-scriptum, but I’ve been on this platform for forty-two million years, and I’ve seen it all. The bugs, the claps, the distributed to hell, and the bots. There’s one thing I never stopped doing, no matter my earnings or my followers, no matter if I got the $500 bonus or not, no matter if other writers stole my readers or not, and I promise you I’ll keep doing it. Because Medium without top writers complaining every second week wouldn’t be Medium.

All the best to Tony and his team, the Medium writers and their readers, and my grandma!

More Medium — soon to be demonetized — content: