Dear Future Boyfriend
Introspection and the crap you should know
There is no greater way to learn more about yourself than the instant you tell your husband that your marriage, as he knows it, is over.
Take a grenade, pull the pin out with your teeth like a gritty soldier in a movie, and throw it on your life. That’s what killing your marriage is like. But then stay in the wreckage for another year because you know…COVID.
When you destroy, you must rebuild. And since I’ve got all the time in the world while sitting cooped up at home, rebuilding is all I’ve done. Maybe what I rebuilt is different than what I would have done had I not been stuck indoors. However this situation has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, it’s like a mini version of “Eat, Pray, Love” introspection while residing at the same address.
While I’ve changed, I’ve also learned to accept things about me that I never felt proud of in the past. I didn’t advertise the thoughts and behaviors I’ve listed below. Conforming to the norm was my standard operating procedure.
I’m finally putting a crown of weirdness on my head because I’m owning up to not being a sexy, suave, brave woman in the prime of her forties.
I eat weird stuff
Do you know what’s a good sandwich? Peanut butter, honey, and pickle. It’s an effing bomb. Don’t knock it until you try it.
I think sweet potato fries are an abomination to the french fry name.
If you take me to a nice restaurant, there’s a good chance I’ll want to eat two different desserts as my main course.
I always ask for my beverages without ice at restaurants (oh restaurants and waiters, how I miss thee). It only waters down my drink and that means there’s less actual drink in the cup. Then I have to flag down the waiter even sooner to get a refill. It’s already cold from the fountain machine, I don’t need my drink diluted with squares of ice. Yes, it’s a whole thing and I feel very passionate about it.
I have an inappropriate sense of humor
Bring me re-runs of South Park and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia any day over Friends. I’ll take Archer and Bojack Horseman over Big Bang Theory. The more crass and inappropriate the standup comedian, the better.
I’m also a humor snob, but in a weird way. If something is so overtly ridiculous, I’ll love it. However, I appreciate and respect mind-blowingly good scripts (like Schitt’s Creek and Marvelous Mrs. Maisel).
While not in the same boat, I’m all about extremely terrifying and gruesome horror movies too. I stopped watching Walking Dead when they toned down the violence due to audience complaints.
I have a lot of unpopular opinions
I already mentioned the sweet potato fry aversion.
I also think that Hitler was brilliant. He was a sadistic piece of trash who should have been tortured for decades, don’t get me wrong. But that dude could organize like a mofo. I bet he could have easily orchestrated the world’s largest Thriller dance crew or the Olympics opening ceremonies.
I think Ryan Gosling is the most unattractive of all the Ryans.
Harry Potter made me dumber in my attempt to read it. It’s effing awful. Or at least, the first few pages of the first book.
I’m overly fascinated with pop culture and its impact on society
Remember that time when Kanye took the mic from Taylor Swift and yelled how Beyoncé was robbed? It was the 2009 MTV Video Awards. I jumped around the room in awe of such brazen television behavior (yeah, the bar has lowered considerably since then) because I knew it was going to be pop culture history.
I love how SNL’s portrayal of Sarah Palin impacted the election. I love that real-life drug dealers use blue food dye in their meth because of Breaking Bad. I love that if someone says “I know”, I can yell “and knowing is half the battle!”
My career bores me but it always provides a decent health plan
I will listen for hours about your job. I can give you details about office gossip at my job, but my actual career is boring as fuck. Don’t mistake me for not having bigger career aspirations; I need to work at places with good healthcare because of my son (see next).
I have an autistic kid
I have two kids and one of them has a chromosome disorder that manifests as autism with a slew of other conditions. This means life isn’t always easy. There are limitations in my world. I spend a good chunk of money on behavioral therapy copays each month. While he has come a long way from all the hard work, he is still developmentally behind.
Combined with an ADHD daughter who runs around in a fit of rage, I’m exhausted all the fucking time. If we watch a movie and I pass out, don’t take it personally.
I’m sexy…sort of?
I’m going to try and be sexy by not wearing underwear when we go out, but just know, I also bake cookies and craft a lot. I can turn you on and cockblock all at the same time. You never know if I’ll show up in lingerie or a baggy t-shirt with holes in it.
I might want to travel somewhere tropical and be naked with you all day. Or I might want to spend a Sunday solving a murder mystery puzzle. Meaning: sometimes I’m fun. Sometimes I’m boring.
I adore love and I loathe cheating
Yes, I have cheated in the past. But I worked fucking hard to figure out how to avoid it in the future. And I never want to have the feeling of being a cheater ever again. Integrity matters to me. I’m willing to have total transparency to build trust.
If I fall in love, I fall hard. You’re my king and I’m your queen. While I won’t give up my identity, interests, or friends, I’ll adore you like no other and treat you like a Rock God. I’ll brag about your achievements to my friends. You’ll never go without a partner in crime.
I’m a sucker for Disney and Pixar
I’m generally cold-hearted, but Disney and Pixar movies make me cry every damn time. In a regular movie, I won’t cry when a character loses the love of her life to cancer. But best believe I’ll cry at the end of Toy Story 3 when Woody says goodbye to Andy. I’ll cry when Mulan is singing about her reflection not matching who she is inside. Tonight, I cried at the end of the Disney comedy Noelle when Anna Kendrick signs with the deaf girl. You won’t see it because I’ll hide it, but just know…I’m a sappy bitch for Disney and Pixar.
While I’m at it, every 2 years during the Olympics I’ll cry during the P&G “Thank You Mom” commercials (tears in my eyes right now because I watched one when finding the link for this sentence). Every. Damn. Time.
I know a lot of useless stuff
I’m a Canadian in the US who speaks Canadian French (not the same as the France French I hear here). I know the Romeo & Juliet soliloquy by heart. I know how to calculate the angle of corners when lines are shaped like an F or a C. I still know both my own and my university boyfriend’s student ID numbers by heart and yet, I don’t have either of my kids’ social security numbers memorized. I can guesstimate the calories in a meal with relative accuracy.
I am a physical creature
I have a weirdly high threshold for physical pain. However, a papercut will leave me on the floor curled up in the fetal position cursing like a sailor.
Don’t handle me with kid gloves. I love being manhandled, grabbed, choked, and tossed around the bed like a toy doll. A guy taking control drives me wild. Odds are low you’ll actually hurt me.
I grew up different than any other girl you dated
My parents are immigrants who moved to Canada and had me. They’re both extremely religious Muslims; my mom is a total white chick who converted. I didn’t grow up with the same set of rules as even kids with strict Christian parents.
I ate spicy curries and apple strudel (white mom side) before learning to crawl. And yet, I never had a box of macaroni and cheese until I was in highschool.
My parents got rid of our television for most of my childhood and teen years. While that made me very well-read and a lifelong library fan, I missed out on some important Saved By The Bell episodes during my formative teen years. I’ve never seen Indiana Jones or Back to the Future. Tonight, I watched Home Alone for the first time. Until I could make my own money and drive, there’s a solid decade of movies I missed because my parents refused to take us.
You won’t be the center of my universe
I have dozens of different social circles and my friends are very important to me. Unless you’re getting an Academy Award, I’m not canceling plans with friends because you didn’t check if I was free. I’m not the kind of girl who ditches her friends for a guy.
If you don’t have kids yourself to understand this, then I should explicitly state that my kids will always take priority over you. I mean, I won’t get up to make them popcorn if I’ve already settled in on the couch, but you know…the big stuff.
This is the package you’re getting, Dear Future Boyfriend. Buckle up.