Divorce Will Destroy Everything in My Life — Except Me

I’m the only one who wins

If you have toyed with the idea of divorce, social isolation and quarantine certainly speed up the decision process.

My husband and I have been off and on the brink of divorce for almost 20 years. How long have we been married? Coincidentally, almost 20 years.

He wants to stay married; I feel like I’m dying. When I imagine a life completely alone and single, my heart jumps for joy. My husband and I have both done unforgivable acts. I’m one of those “I’m only staying for the kids” people (with a special needs child, that consideration is a big deal).

Divorce destroys my kids’ world. In my analysis-paralysis mode, I’ve identified many other people and things that will flip upside down.

Friendships

I know, I know: the friends that matter will support your decision. I trust I will have their support. I have no reason to bad-mouth my husband when it took both of us to ruin the marriage so there’s no need for them to choose a side.

As with most wives, I’m the one who runs our social network. I’m the one who coordinates the playdates. I’m the one who buys birthday presents for their kids. I’m the one who sends Thank You cards. I’m the one who writes the addresses of over 100 families, buys the stamps, and sends holiday cards to remind our friends we exist while hanging off their refrigerators in December.

Invitations to BBQs and birthdays will still go through me. How does that work when it’s a weekend I don’t have the kids? Will it be weird that I’m the one who received the invitation but he shows up? He isn’t as close with any of the dads as I am with the moms, will he opt to not take them to these events?

Without any family nearby, our friends are the closest thing we have. They’re important relationships for both the adults and the children. On group trips, will it be 3 couples plus me, the single mom with her kids? When the dads stay in to watch the kids at night while the moms go out, will I have to beg one of the other dads to watch my kids as well?

I wouldn’t be able to attend at least half of our Moms’ Night Out events; anyone who says “just get a sitter” clearly has never tried to just get a sitter. And if I only have my kids 50% of the time, I really don’t want to waste it with a stranger watching my kids. Friendships need nurturing and I can’t expect them to stay strong when all I can do is text them instead of spending time with them and their families.

It’s hard enough to maintain friendships when you have children. It will certainly cause a strain after a divorce.

Coworkers

I intend on keeping my married name after divorce because I want to have the same last name as my kids. Plus in the list of things to do after divorce, the effort to change a name is pretty low. So the divorce news won’t be broadcast or obvious. The news will spread slowly through gossip. Coworkers will come in and ask benign questions like “oh, does your husband also watch Ozark with you?”, I’ll reply “actually, we got divorced”, they’ll give me the look of pity and “oh em gee I’m so sorry”, and awkwardness then ensues.

Even more awkward will be those that dare ask the reason for the divorce and I give a generic canned answer that we simply grew apart and couldn’t make it work.

Some people will treat me differently like I’m going through cancer. Other ones will think “she’s probably a disaster because she’s going through a divorce” when I don’t immediately have an answer to a work problem. I worry my competency will come into question.

Family

I keep my parents and cousins at a distance because I married outside of my religion. Telling them that I got a divorce will not go over well.

If you married someone against your family’s wishes, then you know how hard you fought to marry the one you loved. You were adamant they were “the one”. The thought of telling them I failed, tail between my legs, shoots my anxiety through the roof.

Truthfully, I think I’ll leave telling them until last. They don’t see my husband very often anyway. If I’m lucky I won’t ever have to tell them, but that’s not a very mature response to this problem.

Children

Obviously, these are the smallest victims of them all with no voice in this decision. My heart is breaking. I’m still married because of them.

The idea that “children are resilient” is somewhat false. Will my children grow up to be functioning adults? Yeah, probably. But is it an incredible trauma that impacts their sense of security and their view on relationships. Life is hard enough; do I want to add to their hardships for my happiness?

Another incorrect but conventional thought is that “kids are happy when mom is happy”. However, kids really don’t give a shit if it’s something that impacts their world negatively. Their quality of life drops. Access to extra-curricular activities will drop. Trekking back and forth like cattle each week. Only getting half of the parental unit they considered as one. The instability of having more than one home address. I would be angry too if I schlepped back and forth each week, sometimes forgetting something in one house or losing things in the process.

A special needs child is an extra layer of complexity. Autism relies heavily on structure, stability, and routine. Divorce is the complete opposite. I can’t imagine either one of us trying to handle my son’s issues on our own each week.

There is no arguing in my house. There is no abuse. We all hang out like a happy loving family. My children aren’t seeing a couple that expresses hatred with silence; we are simply roommates who care for each other.

Is it worth it?

I wish I could be like other women on Medium who have stories of “Getting Divorced Was the BEST Thing Ever”. I wish I could say that this is the happy end of my story.

It’s not.

And I’d like to think that since the decision to divorce is so agonizing, there are other people who are in this state of indecision as well. Divorce is an official decision; Choosing Divorce is a long, never-ending event.

This is a snapshot of a wife struggling to choose between destroying her world or continuing to destroy her soul.