Dear Cisters: Why do trans people get upset about the wrong things?
Especially when there’s so many more deserving targets for their outrage
Welcome to Dear Cisters, the column that’s more like Dear Abby than the Savage Lovecast. I’m your host Stephenie Magister, transgender writer/nerd/editor for award-winning and best-selling books.
Dear Stephenie,
I am glad I do not allow someone to upset me with their views merely because they are rich and famous. Or, and I know this is a bad word now, especially whether they are a man.
I’m reminded of the old adage about people who talk about other people vs. people who talk about ideas.
I’m just trying to say that you’re obviously a very bright person, brighter and stronger than your reaction to all of these trans ramblings.
Who cares which bathroom you use or don’t use? Does it really matter if you call me a dumb rock or I tell a woman she makes an attractive man? Why do you let this upset you so much?
Sincerely,
All-New Hot Takes from Men
ANSWER
Hi there,
I’m sorry to hear you feel that way, but you’re entitled to your own way of seeing things.
I accept your faulty perception of me and what I said.
In my view, no one chooses their feelings. We acknowledge our feelings and experiences, then do our best to describe and choose how to move forward with them.
We honor ourselves and countless other people with transgender experiences by acknowledging the abusive impact we experience from people who hold bigoted positions. How we choose to stand up against the abusive impact of each person’s actions depends on the person.
But can I just draw your attention to one thing you said?
I am glad I do not allow someone to upset me with their views merely because they are rich and famous.
You do not speak or behave as my ally, so I would not dare call you one. But you are still a human being who deserves grace, compassion, and every opportunity to thrive.
You deserve to acknowledge the impact of how other people treat you.
You deserve to let yourself know when you are being affected in a manner beyond your control.
You deserve to let others know when their actions are affecting you in a manner that does not reflect their good intentions.
Boundaries and feelings are good and healthy things to express. Especially when confronted with a person who refuses to acknowledge the abusive impact of their actions.
I accept if you have chosen a different path. Please accept that ours includes standing up against the abusive impact of people like you who deny the harmful, abusive impact of their actions.
We’re not responsible for your experiences and how you choose to express them. We didn’t cause you to hurt other people. We can’t control whether you hurt others. We can’t cure whatever you experience that motivates you to live in denial of the harmful impact of your behavior.
I am not begging you for these boundaries. Boundaries, after all, are not what we hope our abusers will one day give to us. They are what we give to ourselves.
None of us can ever hope to change people like you. But we can work to empower each other so that we don’t need to.
Thank you and good luck.
Sincerely, Stephenie
THE END (DAMN GIRL, THAT’S DARK)
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