Dealing with Difficult People? This Stoic Reminder Can Help

People can be the worst, and that's not only okay but expected.

I've been dealing with a lot of difficult people lately.

My usual response is to stew, complain, and otherwise dwell too much on the other person's actions and how they made me feel.

But when I stumbled upon this passage by Stoic Philosopher Marcus Aurelius in one of the many blogs I follow, I realized there is another way to look at it.

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own — not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.

Meditations 2.1 (Marcus Aurelius)

Aurelius wasn't just a philosopher — besides being one of the best-known Stoics in the modern Stoic movement, he was Roman Emperor from 161 to 180 AD, leading the Roman Empire through the Empire's first true pandemic, the Parthian War, and the Germanic Wars.

Can you imagine being an emperor for nearly 20 years?!? No wonder he reminded himself of this every morning. Even in those days (especially, perhaps), being a politician was challenging; treacherous, difficult people undoubtedly surrounded him, and he also had to deal with incredibly stressful situations that required him to be strong, wise, and measured.

I've always felt deeply, so I get offended easily if someone else is less than honest or honorable. I can't stand hypocrisy and have a strong sense of justice. So, life is often harrowing for me, especially when I or others are mistreated.

But life is not perfect, and people aren't either. Here are my takeaways from this passage.

Expect and Accept the Worst

First of all, get a load of that first sentence.

“The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly”

!!!!!!

I love this. This is Aurelius acknowledging and accepting that people can be jerks.

He's not telling himself to "just think positive and everything will be okay."

He realizes that some people are complex and will take actions he can't agree with, but he reminds himself that it's not personal.

What people do is often much more about them than it is about you.

Even if they are intentionally being malicious or unfair towards you, it is often because you trigger unpleasant feelings in themselves.

Accepting others for who they are, even if you disagree with them, will help you achieve inner peace. Realizing that your day will not be perfect (no matter what steps you do and do not take) will also release you from unrealistic expectations.

The difficult people don't know better

The following line is a doozy.

They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own — not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind and possessing a share of the divine.

Good and evil is an extreme abstraction, but it indicates how Stoics saw the world. As the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy says,

The Stoics maintained, quite controversially among ancient ethical thought, that the only thing that always contributes to happiness, as its necessary and sufficient condition, is virtue. Conversely, the only thing that necessitates misery and is “bad” or “evil” is the corruption of reason, namely vice. All other things were judged neither good nor evil, but instead fell into the class of “indifferents.”

Most of the people we run into will not be evil. Being nasty, manipulative, demanding, self-absorbed, jealous, obnoxious, dishonest, or full of yourself aren't great traits, and while they may cause you indirect harm, they rarely do it to hurt you. It’s often them acting in response to their own perceptions and values.

This part is an expanded (and slightly more polite) version of Hanlon's razor. I wrote extensively about that here. 👇

In other words, people often act wrongly because they don't know any other way to be.

No one is 100 percent bad or 100 percent good. We all have our moments because we are all human.

None of us are perfect (or even close). We all have a mix of good and bad qualities, but we share humanity. Aurelius highlights that here.

Try not to hate

In the next bit, Aurelius emphasizes the importance of not hating people, even if they have unpleasant qualities.

And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him.

This is an even tougher pill to swallow in today's hyper-polarized world.

"Do you mean I can't hate my friend who plans to vote for the other party in the next election or feel a surge of loathing when someone goes out of their way (it seems) to make me look bad?" you might ask.

You can, but as Aurelius said, the goal is to avoid succumbing to those feelings.

As a counselor once told me, be above it.

That doesn't mean sticking your nose in the air and thinking everyone else is inferior. But it does mean acknowledging that other people's actions aren't necessarily about you and not allowing their negative actions to pull you down.

Another Stoic concept, memento mori (Remember you must die), comes in here.

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would any of these little slights, annoyances, or aggravations really matter?

Nine times out of 10, they wouldn't.

We're meant to get along

The last line ties together Aurelius' passage nicely.

We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.

We've all heard of the "global community" and that we "all have to work together," but it is often easier said than done, especially in a divided world.

Again, Aurelius reminds us that we are all part of the same human race and were meant to cooperate, not compete with each other.

Further, to shun or block someone else out might seem like a good idea at the time, but you are obstructing yourself in the process.

Sometimes, you must learn to work with people and intuit what they want; if you can give it to them (or allow them to feel like you are providing it), they will react differently.

For example, someone wants to take over one of your responsibilities at work. They are pushing hard and have already asked the boss if they can do the task.

You have two options — you can see it as their attempt to take over your job, or you can accept and say, "If they want it so bad, they can have it."

Letting go of control

An overarching concern of Stoicism is realizing that most things are outside your control. All you can truly control is your mind's interpretation of events and your own responses to them.

Cautions

As I write about this, I'm keen to avoid the Broicism interpretations of Stoicism that have proliferated lately.

Stoic principles are not there to make you rich, famous, or more productive, nor should you use them to justify treating others poorly.

A crucial part of Stoicism, at its core, is virtue. Doing the right thing, logically and intentionally. Part of this is treating others well.

Not obstructing, turning your back on, or being angry at, remember?

This passage is not an excuse to brand everyone else as "less than" because they aren’t as ‘evolved’ as you are. Don’t forget there are times when you act less than virtuously, too (even if it’s unintentional).

The Stoics would prefer everyone be treated with equal regard and from a neutral standpoint. Treat everyone respectfully (even if you don’t like or agree with them) and watch your life improve.

The bottom line

“We must realize that external events are neutral, and only how we choose to react to them makes them good or bad.” ― Jonas Salzgeber, The Little Book of Stoicism: Timeless Wisdom to Gain Resilience, Confidence, and Calmness

Stoics believed that events were not good or bad but neutral.

They also believed that people should not focus on external situations but on living virtuously. The external situations would be what they would be; all they could focus on was their effort.

If you can set your expectations to anticipate daily challenges and remind yourself to do your best to work equitably with others, there's no limit to what you can do.