This Adage Helps Me Take Things Less Personally

Use this variation of Occam's Razor to understand human behavior.

It's human tendency to assume the worst.

You receive a work email reply from your superior with an unprofessional or snarky tone. They must really hate me and think I'm incompetent.

A friend doesn't invite you to something even though you KNOW other friends were invited. I guess they weren't really my friend and didn't want me to be there.

Or maybe your coworkers don't acknowledge your contributions, even when it benefits them. No one appreciated all my work despite everything I've done. I'm not good enough.

But what if there wasn't any negative intention behind these actions? What if their responses (or lack of responses) had nothing to do with you and more with their errors or hangups?

That's the principle behind Hanlon's Razor.

Isn't that about how the most obvious hypothesis is the correct one?

Nope, that's Occam's Razor. Named after philosopher William of Ockham, you've probably heard TV detectives cite this at least once.

Occam's razor says,

“Plurality should not be posited without necessity.”

In scientific terms, other hypotheses should only be entertained if there is a real need; the best hypothesis is the one with the fewest assumptions.

Occam's razor strives for simplicity in problem-solving. The purpose of philosophical razors is to eliminate improbable options in situations.

In other words? Keep it simple until you can't.

Which leads us to Hanlon's razor.

Hanlon's razor

A particular case of Occam's razor, Hanlon's razor states,

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

In simpler terms — don't take things so personally. Everyone isn't out to get you.

Those examples up top where you thought your boss, friend, and colleagues were being intentionally nasty? They were probably dealing with their own lives and didn’t consider how their actions affected others.

Your boss might have been having a bad day and been in a rush. Your friend might have forgotten to invite you. And your colleagues might be stressed and too focused on their work to pat you on the back.

A note about the use of the word ‘stupidity’ — it can also be substituted for distractedness, tiredness, carelessness, etc. Some definitions include ignorance or incompetence rather than stupidity, which allows more 'wiggle room' in thinking about people's situations.

After all, believing others are 'stupid' probably won't help you interact effectively with them.

In today's culture, we are more tempted than ever to have "main character syndrome" and believe everything revolves around us. But in reality, most people are too absorbed in their lives to go out of their way to be malicious.

As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said in The Sorrows of Young Werther,

“Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.”

Think of those Hallmark Christmas movies. There's always a big misunderstanding halfway through the movie where one of the leads thinks the other is misleading them, doesn't like them, etc. The characters respond to each other as if this were true, often falling out, and it almost costs them a relationship until (surprise!) the misunderstanding is resolved. They proceed with the relationship: happy ending and all that.

If they had used Hanlon's razor and not jumped to conclusions, there might not have been these responses to misunderstandings, and they might have thought the best of each other, allowed things to develop, and decided what to do then. Of course, those are needed for the plot, so it's better story-wise that they didn't use so much reasoning!

So, does that mean there's no such thing as maliciousness?

Obviously, no. Some people do things intentionally to make something more difficult for other people.

I've received nasty emails from people after giving them the benefit of the doubt that attacked my job performance, questioned my motives(?) for doing things, and condescended. Of course, in that case, it became clear that it was being done intentionally to demoralize me.

But until something like that happens, assume people are just clueless and responding to their own needs, not trying to go against yours.

Assume the best the first time until proven otherwise. Assume that the person wasn't intentionally trying to hurt/annoy/upset you, and act accordingly. Then, if another intent becomes clear, decide what to do then. But jumping the gun and assuming the worst immediately doesn't help.

Years ago, a shaman friend of mine told me something similar. He said,

Whenever you think something, ask yourself, ‘do I know this to be 100 percent true? If this were to be held up in a court of law, would it be beyond a reasonable doubt? If not, then don’t act like it’s true.

Just because it's not intentional doesn't make it ok

This razor also isn't shouldn't be used to justify behavior.

For example, if your boss wrote that snarky message, it's not necessarily 'right.' It's unprofessional and can be hurtful.

But if you use Hanlon's razor to determine why he did that, you can decide how to respond and act appropriately. If you give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was stressed/overwhelmed or didn't think about his tone before sending the message, you can proceed more neutrally than if you feel attacked and victimized.

Of course, if bad behavior continues and you start to see a pattern, the fact that the boss is dealing with his stuff shouldn't stop you from changing jobs if you feel it negatively impacts you too much.

Part of this razor is evaluating evidence as it becomes available rather than drawing conclusions. If evidence indicates that the boss will make your job more difficult (intentionally or not), it's not against this principle to choose what works for you. Staying in bad situations is not advisable, no matter what the other person’s motive is.

However, once you start thinking this way, it generally becomes more difficult to take anything personally. You assume that other people's motivations are more self-interested than directed at you, and you feel less targeted. That's a much better way to live.

Not everyone's "stupider" than you.

This razor can also be used as a way to boost your ego. Be careful you don't swing to the other extreme and think EVERYONE is incompetent and you are the only one who knows what they are doing. That can lead to condescending behavior, which certainly won't draw more positive regard your way.

As with everything, there are nuances. No one is always incompetent or always malicious (if they are at all). And few people are "stupid" for no reason — often, they deal with circumstances that make them inept or cause mistakes.

Of course, this isn't foolproof. You can still be hurt even if you try to assume the other person is acting for reasons that don't relate to you.

We're human, believing the worst was encoded in our brains to stay alive.

But in professional and social settings, this is a lifesaver. It can help you be more open and positive than closed and persecuted. It can help foster healthier relationships because you're not always offended by someone's oversight. It can help you stop attempting to dissect other's motivations. And you will also be more willing to address any issues as they arise rather than silently stewing and assuming you're being attacked.

I wasted so much time trying to figure other people out. But Hanlon's razor teaches that sometimes, there's nothing to figure out. Sometimes, people make mistakes, get stressed, overwhelmed, or need help knowing what they're doing. That's part of our human experience.

And the simplest and kindest thing we can do is allow for that and do our best. Cut yourself and others some slack. We're all just doing the best we can.

There is very little deliberate wickedness in the world. The stupidity of our selfishness gives much the same results indeed, but in the ethical laboratory it shows a different nature.

-H.G. Wells