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ant to accidentally swipe in either direction. I scrolled delicately, praying I wouldn’t tap the heart icon next to any of his entries. You can unmatch later if they select you as well, but you can’t undo a “like”, which is a request to match.</p><p id="b4e7">He didn’t change anything on his profile. My default is assuming it’s the same profile he’s had this entire time, not deleted. However, a small line of text along the top caught my eye: <i>Active Today</i>.</p><p id="b7eb">Suddenly, my heart didn’t hurt as much. I could breathe.</p><p id="e3bf">If he’s actively on dating sites, then that means Jeremy wasn’t flirting with soccer moms and connected with one (<i>to the point of settling down</i>). It means he’s still in full dating mode.</p><p id="58a1">It means he has to go through the song and dance of swiping through, reading profiles, liking posts, waiting for a match, and then the arduous task of initial introductions and Get To Know Yous. If you’ve done online dating, you know it’s exhausting.</p><p id="148a">Jeremy has his kids 50% of the time and even when he’s not with them, he attends their sporting events. Homeboy is already strapped for time. Unless the women he’s looking at don’t have kids, then it’s a tough dance to accommodate custody schedules (<i>trust me, I know</i>).</p><p id="de3e">Writing people after matching is the worst. It’s the usual “How was your day” or “Doing anything fun this weekend?”. I’m a writer and I’m freaking hee-larr-ee-usss when messaging a guy. Even if Jeremy meets up with these women and their gorgeous sparkling unicorns, he still has to suffer initially with those bland messages.</p><p id="048f">Which will make him think of <i>me</i>. And that tiny shred of misery brings me immense joy (<i>yeah, I’m grasping here, but let me have my delusion to ease my heartbreak</i>).</p><p id="9787">I closed the Hinge app so that I haven’t swiped left or right on his profile and then re-open it to make my profile hidden. I don’t need him to see my updated profile. Unlike him, I went through my privacy settings and made sure no one could see when I last visited the app.</p><p id="2afe">I’m not sure what shifted in my brain. I felt a sense of smugness and relief. He didn’t replace me with someone else. He replaced me with non-monogamy and the quest to find someone he’s never met. While that still stings, it doesn’t mean there is already a female who beat me in the competition for his heart and dick. A competition I didn’t even know I was in.</p><p id="0018">It dawns on me that while I have more memories in my house than he has of me (<i>despite that I spent more time at his place</i>), my hair sheds like crazy. Ray noticed it on his sweaty body after s

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ex. It reminded me how Jeremy often joked that I snuck in at night to throw my hair everywhere because no matter how much he cleaned, my hair always showed up (<i>his kids are blond</i>). My hair is going to haunt him for weeks at least.</p><p id="bad6">On every breakup social media video, content creators spread the same message: they always come back. <a href="https://readmedium.com/its-true-they-always-come-back-9715dbb2e7cb">I’ve written about that concept in the past</a>. This is the first time where my brain thinks, “that motherfucker is going to come back.”</p><p id="a106">Will it be tomorrow? Nope. Not even in the next month. An Avoidant attachment type takes longer to realize what they’ve lost. He’s moving in June or July, which will occupy his time. By the time I hear from him if the earliest is the end of summer, I’ll be over him.</p><p id="aed9">I hope.</p><div id="1fab" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/7-hard-truths-about-divorce-life-6f6ec235f800"> <div> <div> <h2>7 Hard Truths About Divorce Life</h2> <div><h3>What happens after you sign the papers?</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*YogE2pu0uHnX51Fb)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="8d8b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/sex-with-a-guy-his-erectile-dysfunctional-dick-93a649a9b79d"> <div> <div> <h2>Sex With A Guy & His Erectile Dysfunctional Dick</h2> <div><h3>The continuing tale of a date with a guy I tried to dump.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ekOo8cffdHLJFwFT)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="3fcf" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-type-in-relationships-10fb1f34079d"> <div> <div> <h2>The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Type in Relationships</h2> <div><h3>Well hurray for me, I’m the worst of them all.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*fQciAs0OpW-Fw5Jm)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Day 5 Of No Contact

Yup. Still hurts. Kind of.

Day 5 of No Contact from the guy I was seeing for nine months. Nine amazing, blissful months with someone who talked about building a future together while simultaneously discussing his desire to date other women.

Yesterday, Day 4, was exceptionally rough. I bit the bullet and permanently deleted our texts, rather than letting them linger in my phone’s trash bin for thirty days before emptying them. No Contact is hardcore.

A rebound guy I met, Ray, came over to hang out for a little while during the day. One thing led to another and we had sex.

I wasn’t ready. I shouldn’t have done it. I forgot that when I’m in love with someone, regardless if we’re together, I can’t bone another person. It made me feel worse and I continued my endless crying streak.

Thankfully, a sliver of reprieve came to me late at night.

I deleted my Hinge profile a few days ago when I met Ray (and a potential date this weekend with Kris) off Facebook Dating. It was too depressing to see the same guys and none of them were quality.

Last night, I decided to create a new Hinge profile. Partially because I know it resets the options and I’ll get better people thrown my way. Also because I wanted to get matched again with Jeremy to see if he modified his profile in any way. Yeah, that’s probably not Kosher with No Contact.

In my mind, Jeremy found one or more hot soccer moms at his kids’ sporting events. Everyone loves him and even if I were happily married, I’d secretly pine for the guy. Handsome, charming, friendly, and a slight Midwest accent make him the perfect catch.

I whip up a profile. Then, I select my city to be the same as his and set the distance to a max of five miles. I put my age preference to be between 47 and 50.

Jeremy was the third profile that popped up.

My hand jumped. I didn’t want to accidentally swipe in either direction. I scrolled delicately, praying I wouldn’t tap the heart icon next to any of his entries. You can unmatch later if they select you as well, but you can’t undo a “like”, which is a request to match.

He didn’t change anything on his profile. My default is assuming it’s the same profile he’s had this entire time, not deleted. However, a small line of text along the top caught my eye: Active Today.

Suddenly, my heart didn’t hurt as much. I could breathe.

If he’s actively on dating sites, then that means Jeremy wasn’t flirting with soccer moms and connected with one (to the point of settling down). It means he’s still in full dating mode.

It means he has to go through the song and dance of swiping through, reading profiles, liking posts, waiting for a match, and then the arduous task of initial introductions and Get To Know Yous. If you’ve done online dating, you know it’s exhausting.

Jeremy has his kids 50% of the time and even when he’s not with them, he attends their sporting events. Homeboy is already strapped for time. Unless the women he’s looking at don’t have kids, then it’s a tough dance to accommodate custody schedules (trust me, I know).

Writing people after matching is the worst. It’s the usual “How was your day” or “Doing anything fun this weekend?”. I’m a writer and I’m freaking hee-larr-ee-usss when messaging a guy. Even if Jeremy meets up with these women and their gorgeous sparkling unicorns, he still has to suffer initially with those bland messages.

Which will make him think of me. And that tiny shred of misery brings me immense joy (yeah, I’m grasping here, but let me have my delusion to ease my heartbreak).

I closed the Hinge app so that I haven’t swiped left or right on his profile and then re-open it to make my profile hidden. I don’t need him to see my updated profile. Unlike him, I went through my privacy settings and made sure no one could see when I last visited the app.

I’m not sure what shifted in my brain. I felt a sense of smugness and relief. He didn’t replace me with someone else. He replaced me with non-monogamy and the quest to find someone he’s never met. While that still stings, it doesn’t mean there is already a female who beat me in the competition for his heart and dick. A competition I didn’t even know I was in.

It dawns on me that while I have more memories in my house than he has of me (despite that I spent more time at his place), my hair sheds like crazy. Ray noticed it on his sweaty body after sex. It reminded me how Jeremy often joked that I snuck in at night to throw my hair everywhere because no matter how much he cleaned, my hair always showed up (his kids are blond). My hair is going to haunt him for weeks at least.

On every breakup social media video, content creators spread the same message: they always come back. I’ve written about that concept in the past. This is the first time where my brain thinks, “that motherfucker is going to come back.”

Will it be tomorrow? Nope. Not even in the next month. An Avoidant attachment type takes longer to realize what they’ve lost. He’s moving in June or July, which will occupy his time. By the time I hear from him if the earliest is the end of summer, I’ll be over him.