Day 23–100 Days 100 Ways Being Visible
An automatic assessment has me in its grip and I feel shame
Yesterday I took another step in being visible by sharing here my initial attempt at articulating the psychometrics of the ideal client for my online course and articulating other assessments related to marketing the course. I had been procrastinating doing the thinking behind what I shared knowing I will be asked to share it at the marketing workshop I will attend tomorrow. Avoiding being visible was at play. Sharing the draft here was a way of being visible to a small audience. Having shared here, I feel ready to be vulnerable with my colleagues in the upcoming speaking workshop.
Andy accepted my article for publication. He also flagged with me the possibility that some readers might make the interpretation that I was subtly marketing my course rather than sharing my journey to being visible. He did this in a way that was thoughtful and supportive of me. Despite his care, I experienced (a mild degree of) shame; a sense that I had somehow done something wrong. My logical brain knows this is not the case. Logically submitting an article to a Medium publication is a request to publish, a request could be accepted or declined according to the standards of the publication. My logical brain knows there is no shame in making such a request.
My sense of shame had nothing to do with what happened today. My shame was already there and waiting to be triggered.
Avoiding the possibility of experiencing shame is a huge part of why I have spent so much time trying not to be visible or trying to hide.
Knowledge
I am sitting today with the self-knowledge of an emotional pattern, a pattern Fernando Flores calls an automatic assessment (see, for example, Robert Dunham, The Generative Foundations of Action in Organizations, p 57). I know this assessment is ungrounded; it has no reasonable evidence to support it. Yet I still feel emotions. As Flores says, the assessment ‘has me’ rather than it being me that has the assessment.
“It takes practice to free ourselves from the continuous stream of assessments that arise in our thinking and bodies.” Robert Dunham
I am aware I have not yet done the work to free myself from this assessment.
I have no new research to share and no personal transformation to report and I feel a slight sense of shame about this too.
Progress
Despite my slight sense of shame, I have written and will submit my Day 23 article. I am resolved to continue being visible and that is progress enough for today. I am grateful to Andy Taylor for allowing me to share my journey in 100 Days 100 Ways.
23/24/100 (Number of days goals met/ number of days into project/ 100)
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