Daily Itinerary of a Woman Who’s Basic and Extra at the Same Time
“I don’t know, I like pumpkin spice lattes and sparkles — sorry?”
Like many women, I’m frequently labeled “basic” — that is, basic in my tastes and hobbies. I like what everyone else likes, which is bad! Or so I’m told. I like Starbucks, I wear Ugg boots with Northface jackets, and I share videos on Facebook of yoga with puppies without actually ever doing any yoga.
But I didn’t want to be limited. So recently, I began to bravely aspire to add another description to myself: what if I could be extra, too? I know you probably think I’m crazy. Extra AND basic? Impossible!
But it is possible! I did it. And here’s what my day looks like so you can copy my success.
8.30 am: Start easy. Wake up to a Taylor Swift song as your alarm — a dangerously basic start — but it’s OK because you’re wearing a custom eyemask you’ve specially ordered with tiny beading in the shape and color of your actual eyeballs. Drape your body over the balcony stairs you installed yesterday in a morning stretch.
8.45 am: Caffeine fix. The basic in you wants a Starbs pumpkin spice latté, but the extra in you is craving something more extravagant. Compromise by buying a Starbucks latte and French-pressing it into frothy oblivion.
9.30 am: Quick duck-face selfie for the Insta — but wait, make it black and white, too. Classy!
10.00 am: Have a fight with your fiancé because you’ve been in the bathroom for half an hour trying to perfect your duck-face selfie. Flounce off in a huff while flipping your hair over your shoulder, flinging your engagement ring behind you as you cry, “Our love burned too bright to ever last!”
10.02 am: Dramatically sneak back into the bathroom to grab your ring again while playing the Pink Panther theme song in your head. You’ve just remembered that ring would be a great prop for your Instagram selfie. You decide you can be engaged again.
10.15 am: Time for breakfast! You check how many likes you’re up to — only 15 — and impulse-purchase 1,000 fake likes. You excitedly order eggs benedict via a food delivery app in celebration of 1,015 likes.
10.31 am: Angrily stare at Grubhub delivery person because they’re staring at your forehead. Slam the door without tipping.
10.31 am: Spot your reflection in the mirror as you turn inside with your eggs and realize you’re still wearing your eyemask with the beaded depiction of your actual eyes on it which actually does look kind of freaky.
10.32 am: Regretfully tip $20.20 via the app with a review that says, “lol sorry!!!” Pour yourself a rose, but add some ice cubes frozen into fun novelty shapes.
11.00 am: Charge your iPhone with a busted cable because you’re already somehow down to 15% charge. Upon reflection, cover the busted wire with some Washi tape.
11.03 am: Check your iPhone charge. Only 16%. Grab your backup iPhone and decide to hit the town.
11.04 am: Open your wardrobe.
11.54 am: You’re still standing in front of your wardrobe. It’s hard to be basic and extra.
12.05 pm: You’ve finally decided what to wear (jeans, a nice top, and an ironic hat) but the effort of being too much and not enough has exhausted you! You retire to the living room to watch an entire Netflix series.
7:55 pm: You emerge, bear-like, from your weighted-blanket nest hibernation, having consumed a season of Love Is Blind. Worried it was too basic, you also research how to home-roast your own coffee beans. A project for tomorrow.
7:59 pm: You remember you promised to see your friends! You quickly send a text — “I’m a block away!” — while hastily shoving your feet into your expensive casual heals and scraping your hair into a carefully messy bun.
8.30 pm: You arrive for you quiet night in with the gals. Go over in your full-velvet two-piece co-ord ensemble, but with your rose wine in a thermos cup. Laugh loudly at their jokes, but louder at your own. Quote obscure literature during the rom-com.
11:00 pm: You’re back home. Carefully, you slide on your special eyemask while applying a Lush face mask that smells like vanilla. You relax into bed with Oprah’s book club book and reflecting on your goals. But that’s not enough. You announce to all your friends your goals via saccharine social media post.
And there you go! Both a basic bitch and extra at the same time. Now you also can be too much and not enough. You’re welcome.
Thanks for reading! Follow Jane Austen’s Wastebasket for more humor and check out another story you might like below:
