Writing While Black
From Comments to Cyber Stalking: Please Respect My Right To End A Conversation and Block You
Stop
I recently responded to a comment made about a story on racism and the midwest. There was a spirited, but respectful exchange between a commenter wherein we both realized that we may have misunderstood the other person’s perspective. We acknowledged that neither of us intended hurt, harm or insult, apologized and agreed that this was a learning experience for both of us.
Then, a third party chimed in. Again, I respectfully responded, but my years of being and devoting my life to working with at-risk youth and people with mental illness gave me a sixth sense about a potential problem. Even in my “fighting” days, I NEVER started a fight and most of the time I urged the other person to leave me alone, but if they didn’t, I did what I was taught and that was “to do what you gotta do” to get to safety.
That’s what I did in this situation, but the person must have multiple accounts because they came back as Borrowed Ladder and said:
Blocking someone is not keeping an open mind or respecting the opinions of those who happen to disagree with you. Let me guess…you’re butt-hurt because they don’t like Hip Hop or soul food. It’s not a crime to not like Black culture or certain aspects of it. Deal with it.
And then they edited their comment yesterday and said:
Blacks came to the Midwest on their own free will as well. That’s a fact whether you choose to accept it or not.
I’m not one to play the victim, but GFC represents a group of Black and other women of color who are writing about race and politics and we have to take any form of aggression and harassment seriously.
We live in a bizarre and dangerous world where everyone is on edge and the lines between right and wrong are blurred. People feel emboldened by the current political climate and the anonymity of the internet and they are saying and doing things that are unhealthy and dangerous.
While I understand that hurt people, hurt (other) people… the damage and impact is still real and it’s not an excuse for predatory behavior.
I’m a good ol’ country woman toughened by some serious city wounds and while I pride myself on being strong and independent I don’t play with or tolerate disrespect. I pride myself of being genuinely respectful and polite. Notice I didn’t say nice… I’m not going to lie and say that I’m nice. I don’t believe in being fake. If you’ve rubbed me the wrong way, I’ll be quiet and keep my distance. I don’t believe in being antagonistic, but I do have a problem with people who poke, provoke and agitate and protest when natural consequences happen…Like being ignored or blocked.
I’m not going to mince words — I have a serious problem with predators, bullies and stalkers! They make my blood boil. I’ve seen too many people — including myself hurt by them and end up facing serious consequences when they’ve had enough and finally defend themselves. I hate that schools and law enforcement often take a “zero tolerance” approach of punishing the victim and perpetrator.
However, as a true believer in restorative justice, I try my best to be an active listener, suspend judgement and be respectful while speaking my truth and engaging with others. I also know when to walk away and I’m not afraid to apologize if I’ve hurt or offended someone, even if it’s not my intention.
A quick, loosely connected detour
I’ve dated a diverse group of men over the years: Turkish, Greek, Italian and Asian and sadly most of them have said some hurtful and racist things based on stereotypes. I always addressed the comments, but some issues were deep rooted and tested my beliefs.
During my online dating adventures, I chatted with this Sicilian guy we’ll call “Lenny”a couple times over the years. He’d randomly pop up when he had a break up. I liked talking to Lenny because we vibed about childhood memories and he made me laugh with his colorful (and sometimes unbelievable) stories. We never met in person because he seemed a little “off” when he’d “snap” and go into these loud political and racist rants although he claimed he preferred to date Black and Hispanic women.
The last time he was about to start a rant, I asked, “Why do you say you love Black and Hispanic women, but speak so negatively about our people?”
He calmed down and shared this sad, tragic story about how he lost his parents in Sicily and was sent to live with his uncle in New York. He said he didn’t speak English and he went to school with predominantly Black and Hispanic students. He said he was bullied and physically attacked several times to the point where he was eventually hospitalized. He said, it was Black and Hispanic girls who tried to help, defend him and treated him with kindness.
I tried to get him to understand that his feelings were valid, but it seemed like his childhood trauma had manifested in hate and revealed a pattern of hostility and violent behavior towards Black and brown people. For the first time I heard how a white person suffered as a victim of violence and bias. He explained how his status as minority at his school caused his deep rooted animosity. He said he felt unheard because the parents and administrators were all Black and brown and they dismissed his claims when he and his uncle complained.
One day, he planned his revenge and fought back. He hurt one of the bullies and they sent him to a juvenile center. After he was released, he quit school and started working for his family business… I felt for him and although I didn’t believe a lot of his wild stories — I believed that’s where his love/hate relationship with the Black and Hispanic community began and stayed.
Although I empathized, I knew his issues required professional help and this was not a safe or healthy situation for me as Black woman. I explained how I felt and he didn’t attack or insult me. As a matter of fact, he said he understood and might talk to a professional and that was the end of my random racist chats with Lenny.
Lenny had a reason to be angry, but we listened and learned from each other. I told him that the first person to hurt me at a school was a white, female teacher who slapped me and left a handprint on my face (which proved how hard she hit me, because I don’t bruise easily). Lenny and I had a “connection” based on fear and pain, but he knew that I felt that neither of our experiences justified or excused being racist.
Let me be clear, this wasn’t and isn’t a kumbaya moment. I’ve suffered far worse over the years and have racial battle fatigue to this day. Yet, I’ve learned hate, anger and animosity is such a toxic, heavy burden I had to learn to let it go. I now channel that negative energy into positive advocacy and try to avoid racist people and situations as a matter of safety and self care.
Back To Medium
This situation is different. I respectfully left the conversation, blocked the person and they came back under a different user name with a comment filled with racist stereotypes. Then, they return for a third time days later to modify the comment instead of just deleting it. That is harassment and borderline predatory behavior.
If someone doesn’t want to talk to you, respect their right to end the conversation and LEAVE THEM ALONE!
Lesson and conclusion
Too many people have gotten comfortable with their trauma and take pleasure in hurting other people as a way to relieve their pain. And way too many of us have become codependent enablers and developed a high tolerance for pain and abuse. We teach people how to treat us and when we allow people to cross boundaries, even small ones we’re teaching them that it’s ok to hurt us. I’ve done that too many times in my younger years and I refuse to do that a seasoned sister.
Borrowed Ladder and Vincent Freeman 200079, I don’t know if someone hurt you like Lenny or you just you like goading people for fun, but a respectful dialogue doesn’t seem to be your goal. I’m only here to share and learn in a positive and productive way. Please do not contact me again and respect my right not to converse with you, your various aliases, other personalities or associates on Medium or any other platforms.
Thank you,
The Ladies Of GFC