Cost of Breathing
Cut the Cost of Living — Eat Your Dog!
With inflation rising, can we afford not to?
With food inflation in the UK hitting 13% this month, consumers are looking for cheaper ways to satisfy their appetite for meat.
One clever option the British people have discovered — put man’s best friend on the grill.
The Figures
At the last count, there were 13 million dogs in the UK. And with ownership increasing due to loneliness and depression, that walking meat counter has never looked so well-stocked.
Dogs are lean and are the perfect addition to a low-fat, low-carb diet. What could be better after two hours of Ashtanga yoga than a Whippet salad or Spaniel sandwich?
On special occasions, you could treat your family to some Airedale ribs or a plate of Pulled Poodle. Imagine the look on your children’s faces when after wolfing that feast down, they whistle for Fido, Rover, and Polly, only to hear their calls reverberate around an empty house.
But don’t worry. You can promise your kids you’ll get another dog. They’ll just have to catch it first.
This will become the new TikTok craze. Kids and adults crouching behind trees to capture little Spot out for his daily walk.
The ensuing violence will be videoed and then monetized on TikTok to provide extra income for Britain’s impoverished citizens.
Benefits
Anybody in the dog breeding industry will see profits soar with the need to replace dog stocks. Although, pet retailers won’t do too well when they realize they’ve got 100,000 dog leashes no animal will ever use.
On the other hand, restaurants previously banned from serving dog meat will breathe a sigh of relief. Now people will be bringing dogs to their doors.
And as dog owners get more fearful of hungry TikTok video makers, we’ll see an end to dog walking and the fear of being tripped up by fifty-metre extendable leashes.
We’ll also see an end to this.
I can’t think of anyone who would be sad to see this go.
At last, we’ll be able to walk the streets without stepping in a dog turd. Freedom at last, and an end to bags of dog shit hanging on trees like ghoulish Yuletide ornaments.
And after the dogs have all been eaten, we can start focussing our attention on the next walking meal ticket.
Once the canines have been grilled off, it’s time for the felines!
No more lazing around the house all day doing fuck all. For once, cats will have to pay for their keep, which will simply mean avoid getting killed. But as cats can run quite fast and can climb trees better than humans, it should make for interesting viewing.
On TikTok at least.
Thanks for reading. And if you think this is sick — it is. Luckily, it’s only for fun. Although my dog’s not laughing. Woof!
More madness?
