Critical Signs You’re Caught in an Intermittent Reward Relationship

The Most Addictive and Toxic of Relational Dynamics

Intermittent reward systems are patterns of behavior that lack consistency and prove unpredictable. They’re also the patterns of behavior that underpin addictive behaviors such as gambling. In an intermittent reward system, the mix of wanting to win (receive a reward) and the risk of losing compulsively pushes us into unfavorable circumstances, driven by a specific set of behaviors riddled with anxiety and desire.

Note: I recently wrote an accompanying article on the science behind why intermittent reward systems are so addictive, you can find it here:

In relationships, intermittent reward systems show up as the hot and cold dynamics in which we’re given love and attention sometimes, but not all the time. In extreme cases, this can look like physical or mental abuse tied in with otherwise loving behaviors. In more regular cases, intermittent rewards can show up as any mixed signal in which someone shows interest in you sometimes, but not all the time.

Intermittent reward systems are highly incompatible with healthy love. This is because no relationship is sustainable where one or both of the parties feel like the other isn’t showing up. The mixed signals are also a likely indicator of the other person’s disinterest, or at least their inability to show up in ways that can truly satisfy your needs. The result is a build-up of emotion that toxify the relationship.

Needless to say, breaking out of intermittent reward dynamics is easier said than done, as they’re biologically highly addictive. But as is the case with anything in personal growth, in order to tackle something we first have to have awareness around the behaviors that contribute towards it.

With all this said, I wanted to take the time today to talk about the main signs that you’re experiencing an intermittent reward relationship. By relationship, I simply mean a dynamic between two people so this can apply to people you’re dating or seriously committed to.

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1. You’ve Tied Your Worth To Them

Part of the reason gamblers become so addicted to gambling is because they’re associating their worth with the outcome of the game. If they’re winning, their self-esteem increases leading to an influx of positive emotions but if they’re losing, their self-esteem plummets. This leads to a cycle in which the gambler is only feeling as good as their recent win, and feel

The same can happen to us during relationships where hot and cold dynamics are present. It’s never a good sign when we’re associating our self-worth with the actions of others, let alone those who are being unpredictable and inconsistent in their behaviors.

To be emotionally tied to somoene in an intermittent reward relationship means to feel happy, satisfied, and validated when they’re giving you the attention and the opposite when they’re not. It’s this difference in emotional states and dependence on them to make us feel good, that then leads to the other symptoms I’ll be talking about for the rest of the article.

2. You’re Ignoring Red Flags

If you’re caught in an intermittent reward relationship it’s more than likely you’re ignoring red flags — because you have to be.

If you were to truly pay attention to all the inconsistencies, unavailabilities, and potential mistreatments this other person is bringing your way, you’d leave them and find someone who can actually treat you right but you’re not, you’re staying.

Ignoring red flags allows us to keep the positive allusion of how we wish someone was, or how we wish a relationship would be. If we were to see this person for who they truly were; inconsistent and unavailable, we’d have to ask deeper questions about compatibility and fit for the relationship. This then puts the relationship at risk which ties us back to the self-worth complications I noted in point 1.

The highs associated with the “good times” may also be so intoxicating that a part of you doesn’t want to lose them. If life is already difficult as it is, with struggles of self-worth, then what happens when we have to kick this person out? Where will we feel good then?

This is part of the reason we chase unavailable people in the first place. It’s a distraction from the fact we don’t feel happy in ourselves — which is also why we allow others to mistreat us.

Ignoring red flags can be an extremely frustrating component of intermittent reward relationships as those around you will likely be telling you how wrong this relationship is for you, and yet you remain in it. This is a testament to how addictive these dynamics can truly be.

3. You’re Ignoring Other Priorities

In studies on intermittent reward systems in rats, rats subjected to inconsistent and random patterns become hyper-fixated on the reward to the point of neglecting other responsibilities like cleanliness and eating.

Whilst these are extreme cases of personal neglect, in humans we can display our own forms of neglectful behaviours.

For example, maybe you refrain from making weekend plans out of the hope that they’ll call you up and ask to hang out, or even when you do have plans you might cancel them to make room for them. In this you might neglect socialising with people outside of the relationship and your friend circle may grow smaller.

You may also find it difficult to concentrate on things that aren’t them. Hobbies you previously had, or projects you were working on now become harder to dedicate time through. Even if you’re not physically around the person, your thoughts may be preoccupied with when they’ll reach out next, what they’re doing now, why they’re ignoring/mistreating you, or how it would feel for them to finally choose you.

This is dangerous territory to step into as our independence begins to slip. Instead of having other things to make us feel good, now we’re completely reliant on the hope that this person will do this. A negative cycle then begins to form as your dependence grows.

This can be a difficult cycle to break out of, as it means rebuilding the parts of your life you previously let slip.

Final Thoughts

Bringing awareness to the behaviors that underpin intermittent rewards in relationships helps stop us from digging a hole deeper. The more we engage in the behaviors I’ve spoken about above, the harder it will become to eventually break free from them.

Like a gambler with a skill on how to win blackjack; ignoring red flags, ignoring your other priorities, and placing your worth into someone else’s hands is the way we try and win in the game of intermittent relationships.

Except in most cases, we can’t win.

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