Continuing Bonds

A theory for working through grief

After reading an amazing article by M&Z on loss and grief, I was inspired to write about the Continuing Bonds theory. I would like to encourage you to go and read M&Z’s article, featured below:

Table of Contents − What is the “Continuing Bonds” theory? − How does it differ from other approaches on grief? − How can we practice Continuing Bonds? − Conclusion / Summary − Final remarks

What is the “Continuing Bonds” theory?

The theory of Continuing Bonds posits that it’s healthy and desirable to maintain an ongoing relationship with our loved ones after they die. Continuing bonds with a person who has passed on can happen in several ways. You may choose to hold on to their items, have conversations with them, write to them, visit the places the person loved, and so on.

Research has shown that by normalizing grief-related behaviors, the person who grieves has less negative outcomes (such as depression and anxiety). Moreover, Continuing Bonds allows those who grieve to have better closure, as well as to process complicated emotions.

This becomes particularly useful in the cases where a person dies suddenly, or when there were things left unsaid between the person who died and the person who is grieving (source).

Continuing Bonds theory relies on creating a secure attachment relationship between the living and the deceased. A secure attachment relationship is when the people involved feel safe, heard, validated and appreciated. There is also an understanding that one is still loved even if the other person is not there. Moreover, the people involved in the secure attachment relationship feel comfortable to express their emotions.

How does it differ from other approaches on grief?

The views of Western science have shaped the “proper” way to grief into something that is out of alignment with the human experience. When the famous “5 stages of grief” were introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in the late ‘60s, psychologists started understanding that perhaps grief has many manifestations.

However, the work of Kubler-Ross and her colleagues primarily addressed the supposed stages a terminally ill person goes through. Due to the fame of her initial book though, the stages of grief started being loosely attributed to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one.

That has created several issues in the way that grief is understood and worked through in therapy. A main issue is that the stages don’t really exist. They might be true for some people, but they rarely occur in order. However, since most people are even vaguely aware of the stages, they try to squish their grieving experience into these imaginary boxes. This, in turn, deprives them of the opportunity to experience the full range of their grief and resolve it in a healthy way.

Since research has been showing for quite a while that the 5 stages are not really working, David Kessler (a death and grieving expert, who was a co-author with Kubler-Ross) took it upon himself to introduce a 6th stage: Finding meaning.

The Continuing Bonds theory relies on interventions that support meaning-making in grief. What makes this theory more effective, is that the meaning-making processes are more active (conscious) and continuous.

In other words, through Continuing Bonds, the grieving person transforms their relationship with their deceased loved one, and turns it into a healthy relationship that can be sustained through time.

In addition, Continuing Bonds can be practiced with great results in cases where a person is missing, and even in the cases where a relationship was interrupted without closure. In all of these cases, the end goal is healing, not obsessing over the lost relationship.

How can we practice Continuing Bonds?

Continuing Bonds can be practiced in therapy with a therapist who is trained in grief counseling. This is advisable especially in the cases of ruptured relationships with the deceased, and/or when the living person has a history of insecure attachment relationships.

However, Continuing Bonds can be practiced safely at home too. Some examples were mentioned in the beginning of this article, and below you’ll find more examples:

• Write to your deceased loved one to share your news, or how you’re coping with their death
• Create art inspired by them or dedicated to them
• Share stories or good memories of your loved one with others [Terry Pottinger’s story about Bobby is a great example]
• Visit their favorite places or go to a place they always wanted to go
• Use meditation to connect to your memories of your loved one and use this time to talk to them
• If you think that your relationship could have been better or you have things you wanted to tell them before they died, slowly build up your engagement with your representation of them

If practiced correctly, continuing bonds exercises will help the grieving person heal while creating in them a healthy and stable continuous relationship with the deceased.

Overtime, grief will be transformed into a healing power which will also benefit the living in their other relationships (that is, when attachment issues are worked through). Continuing bonds can also manifest through regular dreams, as well as through “visitation dreams”.

Visitation dreams differ from regular dreams in the vividness of the experience. They fall into the broad category of “after death communications” (ADCs), which is an area that recently gained a lot of interest in Psychology and research about ADCs is being published in prestigious journals (it was about time, if you ask me!).

If you’ve gone through grief, you might have intuitively gone through continuing bonds without realizing it. In order for continuing bonds to have the maximum benefit for you though, you need to (1) be conscious of what you’re doing and (2) not try to fit your grief into a “box” or a stage.

In fact, one of the most common mistakes people make when trying to practice Continuing Bonds is that they forget that an important goal is the attainment of a healthy relationship with the deceased that will endure in time. Without that healing component, grief can become complicated and the grieving person might find it much more difficult to process their emotions.

Conclusion / Summary

• Continuing Bonds exercises can help us process grief and gain a healthy relationship with a deceased loved one.
• Grief is not uniform, and it does not fit into categories or stages.
• Meaning-making and continuing bonds can also help us repair a relationship, and help relieve us from guilt, anxiety, or depression.
• If there are more complex issues in a relationship with a deceased loved one, it is advisable to practice Continuing Bonds with a therapist trained in grief counseling.
• Continuing Bonds theory can also be applied in the cases of a missing person or a terminated relationship without closure with a living person.

Final remarks

As I was writing this article, I kept thinking about Ted Czukor’s story (linked below). Could Continuing Bonds also be practiced when a person is changed due to dementia or another illness? I think yes. What do you think?