Consent is Like a Cup of Tea
Understanding consent in the most blatant terms.
In a YouTube video by Blue Seat Studios, the matter of “consent” is addressed in a really creative and practical way, through a short 2 minute and 50 seconds clip.
The video has garnered over 7,000,000 views on YoutTube, and has really inspired a more practical way to consider the matter of consent which, to some, seems to be rather confusing.
If you are one of the souls who find the idea of “consent” as rather grey and confusing, and perhaps worry that you may inadvertently commit an act of accidental sexual assault against another individual without their consent, this video, and my article to outline it and speak more deeply to its implications, is the read for you!
Instead of initiating sex, think of it as offering a cup of tea.
You bring your date for the evening back to your place. It’s been going really well so far, there was laughing and bonding and some slight physical contact between fingers outstretched at the restaurant, and you think there’s a really good chance you could get lucky tonight.
It’s been a while since you’ve had someone over for tea — you’ve really been missing this experience! You love having tea with other people, and think this person, in particular, will be really fun to have tea with.
Now that your dinner date is back at your place, several scenarios can take place:
Scenario 1: Your date enthusiastically consents to have a cup of tea.
This was the outcome you were hoping for! Both of you are onboard, 110% to have a cup of tea.
You both enjoy tea together, each party enthusiastically enjoys each and every sip of that cup of tea, you’re communicating back and forth how lovely the tea is, and everyone gets to finish their cup of tea.
Yay! Everybody wins and it’s been a great night!
Scenario 2: Your date might be unsure as to whether or not they want a cup of tea.
I would argue against a point in this video, in that any lack of certainty warrants absolutely no course of action to even bother making a cup of tea. You can say something along the lines of, rather,
“Well, no pressure, if you change your mind and decide you want a cup of tea, let me know!”
That said, you can still offer the cup of tea, yes, and see what their response is. But if it’s not enthusiastically received, then the answer is no. It's that simple.
Scenario 3: Your date agrees to a cup of tea, and then later changes their mind.
Well, now you're annoyed. You’ve gone to all this effort to make a cup of tea! How damn rude of your date!
Okay, but seriously, can we be frank here? It didn't take all that much effort to make that cup of tea. It was actually pretty straight forward. So why are you so mad that they have decided that they don’t want it anymore?
What are you going to do, forcibly pour that scalding cup of tea down their throat?
Sure, you can feel annoyed after all that effort you went to to make a cup of tea for them, but that’s where it ends. There is no case where you should feel entitled enough to force that hot cup of tea on them, or make them feel profusely guilty for rejecting it in the end.
Scenario 4: Your date doesn’t want a cup of tea.
That’s it. They don’t want it. Don’t make tea. End of story.
Your date has the right to remove their consent at any time.
Seriously. Any time.
That means, even if your date consented to have tea, and you try to offer them a cookie but they don’t want one, you can’t force them to eat the cookie, citing that since they signed up for a cup of tea they automatically consented to the cookie.
WRONG.
They consented to the cup of tea. Period. You cannot force them to have a cookie too. Maybe they’re too full from the tea? Maybe they’re uncomfortable with accepting a cookie from someone they’ve only recently just met? Maybe they just don’t feel like eating the f*cking cookie?
That’s your cue to back off. Game over, consent was removed. Done. Finito. Don’t be a jacka** and pretend you didn’t notice that consent was removed from the situation.
If you still try to shove that cookie in their mouth, despite their refusal, or try to squeeze it through the cracks of their fingers as they cover their mouth so that you can’t force that cookie on in, there is only one label for that action: and it’s “attempted rape”.
The value of “enthusiasm” in the discussion of consent.
I am so glad that the social conversation of consent as a whole is now discussing the defining concept of “enthusiastic consent”. By uplifting the requirement for enthusiasm, we are challenging the argument of “Well, you know, it seemed like she was kinda into it.”
Your partner or date or hookup is either super into it, or not.
The importance of recognizing enthusiastic consent in the mix is that there are far too many accounts of women who were non-consenting to sex, but didn’t feel safe or comfortable enough to speak up and refuse it.
In those cases, women endure and hope with all they have that the other party will notice their discomfort or complacency and simply stop. That often doesn’t happen.
Is that still rape, you ask? Well, yes, to the woman who didn’t want to participate, it is. It’s still a violation. There is a shared responsibility between both parties to ensure the other is comfortable and onboard with the sexual activity.
Final word.
Women have been told by society that we must be meek and mild, we must not offend, we must be ever conscious to not disrespect or insult another person.
As a woman speaking on behalf of other women, we’ve also learned, often the hard way, that by refusing the initiations of men we are quite possibly putting ourselves in harm's way. We cannot always know how a man may react to rejection.
At times, letting him get on with it seems like the lesser of two evils compared to being physically beaten, or possibly killed.
Think I’m being over dramatic with that bold statement? Think again.
Or how about this guy, who took a female police officer back to his place and, when she wanted to leave, murdered her, stuffed her body in a green bin, and dumping her under a bridge. This crime took place in my hometown in 2015. I live in a small city in Canada. Yeah, exactly.
Or, take this British man, for example, who kicked his Thai wife to death for declining to have intercourse with him. This took place last month, and was reported on April 14th, 2019.
Shall I go on? Or do you get the picture? The point is, it’s not just the job of one party to stop a sexual interaction when they are uncomfortable, it is also the job of the other party to be on the look-out for clues which may indicate a lack of consent, or uncertainty of any kind.
The concept of consent is that black and white: it’s either there in all of its glory, or it’s not.
If full consent is not present, that’s game over. No sexual activity. Period.
What part of that concept is so difficult to understand?
