Communication and the Habit of the Quick Fix: Lessons from a Failed Marriage
The easy solution is often the wrong one.
The biggest problem with living outside my integrity and authenticity in my marriage is real problem solving has never been a part of our relationship. My soon-to-be ex does not enjoy conflict and actively resists any engagement that feels like conflict to him. I have taken the risk to be vulnerable and honest about my struggles, needs, or desires a few times and leave the conversation feeling seen and heard with some optimism. He leaves feeling like he has been through a battle that he describes as bloody and brutal.
For the longest time, this divergent view of these conversations was something that I took personally. The assumption was that my communication lacked the openness, grace, and humility that was intended. Trying to get better at those things became something to be worked on in my own growth. It was important to me that my journey did not inflict harm on him or anyone else for that matter.
Seeking a Solution
I believed that my inability to communicate was making things worse in our home and marriage. Studying and learning how to listen and share my heart in intentional ways that opened conversations rather than closing them became an active pursuit of knowledge and practice for me. One of the most important new ideas for me was that communication skills can be learned, practiced, and improved.
Improving my skills in this area helped a lot of things. My relationship with my daughter, my ability to lead my team at work, my connection with my dearest, and even my confidence in novel situations all improved — and in some cases, that improvement was dramatic. But nothing changed in my marriage or in the conversations with my soon-to-be ex.
As it turns out, communication is a two-way street.
Identifying the Real Enemy
It’s probably safe to say no one really enjoys conflict. Some people seem to thrive on drama but my soon-to-be ex is not that guy either. In truth, he simply is so conflict-avoidant that he would rather deal with the consistent recurrence of the problems than take the necessary actions to address the actual cause of the problem.
Change is the enemy. It seems that his internal dialogue is something along the lines of this: “Even if I don’t like what this is or the conflict it creates, I at least know what it is, and if things change I have no idea what they can become.” That discomfort is paralyzing for him, so nothing gets resolved. This set up an impossible situation in our marriage.
As the same issues resurfaced for decades, it was easier for him to simply ignore whatever the issue was until it bubbled to the surface predictably time and time again than to invest in correcting the actual problem. It also made it easier for me just solve what I could on my own or ignore the underlying need rather than dragging it all back up again only to feel ignored. This approach was the simple band-aid solution to a more complex problem.
The Tale of Two Marriages
Over time, this quick-fix mentality meant we were living two very different experiences in this marriage. He thought everything was just fine because I wasn’t talking with him about our issues. He had his much-coveted peace. I began living completely alone in our marriage and building other relationships where I could be fully myself without having a fight.
Complex problems require intentional solutions that actually deal with the issues. Without both partners willing to work on their communication and problem-solving skills independently, the ability to deal with problems together will always be limited by the partner least invested in doing the work.
In hindsight, there are dozens of places and conversations over the years where the healthier approach would have been to insist on creating genuine solutions to the problems we faced. I was always fearful if I stood that ground that I would lose him. It turns out that my avoidance caused me to actually lose myself for a while. And now that I have found my way back, he has lost me.
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