How to Communicate Your Feelings Without Overwhelming or Scaring Off Your Partner

Especially when you’re communicating with an avoidant

I’m an anxiously — at my best, securely — attached individual and as fate would have it, I’ve ended up in relationships with avoidants too many times.

I have found myself in numerous situations where I want more closeness, physical touch, and words of affection than my partner.

Their emotional distance would activate my attachment system, and I would go into survival mode. I would become very anxious and feel bad about myself and about my life in general.

For a long time, I believed that emotional honesty was going to lead to understanding, and maybe we could come to an agreement. But avoidants are so uncomfortable with emotions that they are easily overwhelmed and scared off by them.

It doesn’t matter how I communicate. Avoidants always find ways to create and maintain the same amount of emotional distance between us. I’ve learned to make peace with this fact and accept that there’s nothing that I can do if avoidants are not healing their own wounds.

Yet, there are a few tips that have helped me keep my integrity by not coming across as too needy and scaring them off. I hope you will benefit from my multiple failures and life lessons.

#1: Start by doing a personal assessment before communicating

When I want to communicate with an avoidant partner, I start by asking myself the following questions to help me clarify my intention.

1. What do I want to communicate?
2. What is the belief/fantasy that makes me want to communicate this? Is it true?
3. What do I hope to accomplish by communicating this? What is the action or behavior I hope this statement will inspire?
4. Am I trying to manipulate my partner in a way? Can I honor their reaction no matter what?
5. How can I give myself what I need first?

Then I try to imagine my partner’s perspective and guess how they are going to react.

1. First, I write down all the possibilities.
2. With each one, I notice my emotional investment in the possibility. What is my subconscious agenda that my partner might pick up on?
3. I rephrase what I have to say so that it becomes more emotionally honest.
4. I repeat each step until I become really aware of my subconscious motivation, and I choose the most authentic statement and action to take.

I’m aware that I might not get the outcome I want, even if I’m allowed to hope. But at this point, it is not nearly as important as the process I went through because I’m being very honest with myself and acting with integrity.

As a result, I’m less attached to the outcome before I talk. Their response becomes irrelevant in comparison to this process.

Let me give you a concrete example. My lover has been distant lately and not answering my messages as he used to. He says he’s busy with work…

What do I want to communicate?

I’m feeling anxious when you don’t reply to my text messages.

What is the belief/fantasy that makes me want to communicate this? Is it true?

I believe that something else must be going on. Maybe you lost interest? I’m afraid you’re seeing someone else?

It might be true or not. I can choose to believe you and accept that you’re busy this week and it’s not personal at all.

What do I hope to accomplish by communicating this? What is the action or behavior I hope this statement will inspire?

I hope you will give me reassurance and answer my text messages back next time — even with a simple emoji.

Am I trying to manipulate my partner in a way? Can I honor their reaction no matter what?

I would want acknowledgment of my feelings and needs, and I’m hoping that you will respond favorably. But if you don’t, I will not insist and evaluate silently if this is a relationship for me.

How can I give myself what I need first?

I could text less so that I don’t put myself in a situation where I receive fewer answers. Or I could simply not take it personally. I could also walk away.

#2: Rephrase your language so it is honest and not critical

A lot of the time, we communicate our needs from a defensive position, and we don’t even realize it. When we try to communicate an honest emotional statement, it can come across as critical.

Let’s look at my example. If I say, “I’m anxious when you don’t reply to my text messages,” he could hear, “whatever you’re doing is not enough.”

Of course, my statement doesn’t mean that, but it conveys doubts and needs for reassurance.

The key is to notice if you are stating a complaint, and rephrase your statement.

Often, we express a lack of something, “I’m not getting enough of…”

Rather, you can express a desire for more, for example, “I love when […] and I would want more of it because it feels so good.”

It has a completely different vibrational signature since it comes from a place of appreciation.

In my example, I could say something like :

“I love when you acknowledge my message after I write to you. I really enjoy the feeling of connection, and I feel calm after. I would love to feel more of that in this relationship. How do you feel about it? I’d love your input, and maybe together we could come up with some solutions to satisfy both of us.”

Or

“I feel anxious that I’m losing my connection with you, and it feels unsafe. I love feeling reassured and close to you, I love knowing that you want to spend time with me. It is important for me to experience more of this in this relationship because I really love what we have. When it’s good, it’s great! I’d love to explore this with you and know your input about it.”

In these two examples, you can see that there is :

1. A shift from lack to desire
2. An expression of appreciation
3. A statement of how you feel
4. An emphasis on why it is important for you
5. An expression of curiosity
6. A desire for co-creation and problem-solving.

When you communicate this way, keep a poker face.

Keep silent, and don’t fill up the space with anxious chatter. The less you say, the more impact you have.

Don’t guide your partner on how to answer you beyond that.

Don’t throw a tantrum, give an ultimatum, or threaten to leave. It comes across as controlling, and it is not going to be productive.

How you deliver your message makes a world of difference. You want to appear independent and composed, because that is attractive.

#3: Create an opening for them to provide an honest answer.

Show that you respect their freedom of choice, and then they can decide whether or not to give you what you desire.

However, if they can’t respond honestly, here are some other reactions you could expect:

• They could deflect,
• They could get mad,
• They could say you’re making everything about you,
• They could act passive-aggressive,
• They could leave the situation without acknowledging what you say at all,
• They might not share anything about their feelings.

If that’s the case, honor your boundaries and stick to your guns. Avoid at all costs beating yourself up and slumping into an anxious mess.

If anxiety kicks in, realize that you’re in survival mode. It is probably too much too soon to say anything at that point. Don’t go back on everything you said because if you do so, I know from experience that they will:

1. Lose their respect for you;
2. Think you’re a pushover ;
3. Know they are driving the boat, and if they like it, even more boundary violations might follow. If they don’t like it, they will find a way to ghost you or sabotage pieces of the relationship.

Sometimes, they will just respond in an ambivalent way.

In that case, they are either testing you or don’t know the answer yet. It is time you make yourself scarce, and let them understand that ambivalence doesn’t work anymore.

This doesn’t come from a place of manipulation. You need to take time to do personal inventory and decide if they are just not a great fit for you.

Making yourself scarce means:

• Cut back contact. Maybe see them once or twice in a two week period.
• Don’t volunteer information about yourself or your plans.
• Don’t over explain your absence — you don’t owe them explanations. The more you explain yourself, the more you weaken your position. It can appear as if you’re putting on a show to get their attention
• Go on vacation with your friends. Meditate, make art, go on a hike, or go to a boxing class to release some steam.

In the meanwhile, ask yourself how long you are willing to wait for clarity, and put a number on it.

Be ready to handle the truth. Sometimes, ambivalence is the truth, and you need to be ready to walk away.

The saying, “the person who cares least has the power,” is very true.

In the case of a relationship with an avoidant, they have the power, and it can make even someone with a healthy connection feel defeated.

Your mental health and stability are very important. They are more important than being in a relationship with an avoidant who will likely make your life miserable.

I’m personally done dating avoidant partners. It requires too much tactical strategy, and eventually, it wears me out and leaves me depleted and apathetic.

So value yourself, and walk away when your intuition is telling you to do so. See your current situation as a lesson, and practice how to communicate your feelings without overwhelming or scaring a partner off.

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