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SHED — YOUR INHIBITIONS! A NOTE FROM CLAUDE
Dear Guests,
You and that special someone have just seen a matinee of “Funny Girl” on Broadway. You’ve taken a romantic walk on the High Line. Now you want what every couple in New York City wants — a delicious dinner and some noisy outdoor sex.
The first two are beyond our purview, but if you’re looking for the finest dinner/public intercourse venue west of Bangkok, don’t miss Claude’s, at 126 First Avenue, New York, NY 10009.
Maybe you’ve seen the video clip, now viewed more than 4.5 million times, of a couple blissfully coupling in one of NYC’s many Covid-era outdoor dining structures. On a Thursday night. At 9:30 p.m. On a heavily trafficked, not-at-all-secluded corner in the East Village.
Or as Twitter user @layajospe wrote: “Just witnessed a lovely couple f*cking in an outdoor dining hut on 1st ave.”
That was not just ANY outdoor dining hut, that was MY place, Claude’s, at 126 First Avenue, New York, NY 10009.
While other establishments might throw cold water on a story like this, we’re moaning it from the rooftops!
Because here at Claude’s, this is what New York City is all about. It’s more than an island, it is a lusty hardbody filled with head, heart, stomach and loins. Walt Whitman got it.
“People, endless, streaming, with strong voices, passions, pageants, Manhattan streets with their powerful throbs, with beating drums as now, The endless and noisy chorus, the rustle and clank of muskets, (even the sight of the wounded,) Manhattan crowds, with their turbulent musical chorus! Manhattan faces and eyes forever for me.”
Powerful throbs! Beating drums! Though Whitman wrote that in 1865, New York is STILL an endless, noisy smokeshow.
When offended rubes ask, where do you get off? We answer, right here, pal, right in front of God and everybody. Watch your shoes.
You’ll get the upturned nose and bum’s rush if you get caught boinking at a Cheesecake Factory in Omaha, but here at Claude’s, love’s the boss. Do what you gotta do. Here, you can have your cheesecake before, during and after.
If Walt Whitman came here for dinner and then buttered the biscuit with some tattooed rough trade in our dining shed, we’d say, “Always great to see you Mr. Whitman, come back anytime. And bring your nice friend.”
Who are we to judge? Appetites are appetites.
Our interpretation of the words “casual dining” and “relaxed experience” are elastic because the customer is always right. You pitched a tent. So we pitched a tent.
We’re here to create the perfect evening, not to suppress your natural drives. Which memory is better — that time you went to the East Village and had dinner?
Or, that time you went to the East Village, had dinner, and then did slippery hot yoga in our dining shed?
To our thinking, if you’re not comfortable enough to have sex in one of our sheds, then there’s something wrong with the shed, not you.
Are you shy? Why? As the video shows, New Yorkers have seen it all. It’ll take more than two consenting adults expressing their healthy sexual urges in public to keep them from walking too fast and doom-scrolling. You’ll love how much we don’t care.
True, there is a good chance some kid will video you and post it on Twitter, but congratulations, now you’re in show business!
Think of the convenience. Instead of wasting time paying the check, finding a cab, and driving across town, you can just cut to the chase. Don’t bump uglies in a cab. Don’t bump uglies in an elevator 45 minutes from now. Bump uglies in our shed right now!
Seize the day. Or night. Or afternoon. You’ll be able to tell your friends back in Duluth, the architecture was amazing, but the outdoor boom-lacka-lacka was off the chain!
When we meet, say, in a strong confident voice, “Claude, we’d like an outdoor table for two. We’re staying for dinner, drinks, cheesecake and for dessert, we’ll be over here making a freak sandwich. Then maybe, espresso?”
I’ll show you to our best table. But you can sit anywhere you like.
Love ya,
Claude
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All thanks to Stephanie Wilson for the five star editing.
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