Memoir, Part 2 of 2

Will our Relationship Survive his Cheating?

Cold Coffee #2: I can’t sleep — it’s five in the morning and it feels like a black cloud has engulfed my soul. I get a notepad out of my bag and begin to write this diary…

Here’s a recap in a nutshell: Part one…

“Hi, am I talking to May?”

“Yes, who’s calling?”

“You don’t know me but your partner’s been sleeping with my wife, Susan. I thought you should know.”

29th December

Part Two

The story continues in diary format, so is told in the present tense, as I did actually keep extensive diaries of this time.

31st December

I can’t sleep — it’s five in the morning and it feels like a black cloud has engulfed my soul. I get a notepad out of my bag and begin to write this diary about my thoughts and feelings. The shock, the pain, the devastation. I want to ring Seb but I know it’s too early in more than one sense of that word.

Daytime — I feel compelled, a strong, obsessive need to tell everyone he is close to about what he’s done. I leave my friend’s house early and head over to his best mate’s flat. Ben lets me in and makes me coffee. He looks at me open-mouthed, exclaiming,

“Why — when he has you?”

Vindicated.

Moving on, I drive round to his family’s place. Informing his Mum and Aunt that he has cheated on me… the golden girl. The one who was accepted like a daughter into the bosom of their family fold. They comfort me and tell me to stay as long as I need. But the games are not over, there is one more waiting to be played out.

I know he will not be at home, so I go over to the house. Stroking the cat on the way through to the living room, I flick on my stereo and set our song to repeat. I am getting a slight bit of deranged contentment in knowing that when he comes home it will be playing over and over — he’ll take a moment to realise I have been there, and think about what he has lost.

Party Time…

It’s New Year’s Eve, I wonder can I cope with a party? But whilst at the house, I grab a few more clothes and head over to Hannah’s place. She is hosting this year’s bash, and I can’t just wallow in my own misery.

I will not be his victim.

Applying make-up we chat and I try not to make an issue out of what has just happened. A crowd of us head for the local pub before the party, and Debbie’s boyfriend is all over me, asking where Seb is. I explain we are not tied at the hip and are spending this night apart. He is very complimentary –

“Wish Debbie and I could be like that,” he says, whilst staring at my cleavage.

Yes, he was always flaky, she can do better.

Back at the party, I attempt to enjoy myself, but my heart sinks each time a song is played that is poignant to Seb and me. I wonder where he is and what he’s doing.

1st January

Once again I can’t sleep — it may be all the coffee I’m consuming but I have a million questions spinning around my head. I decide to call him. He answers sleepily, muttering a greeting, before I shoot a barrage of questions his way.

He explains he never shagged her in our house — they used to go out after work in his camper van. It had only lasted about a month, now it was over — he wished it had never happened.

I loved that VW camper van…

After the call I lie on Hannah’s couch, the smell of last night's party lingering in the air, torturing my self with graphic images of the pair of them kissing, touching, being intimate in the van.

Later, I find my self back at Seb’s Aunts place, and take a look at the local newspaper. I need to get myself a bedsit/flat to be near work. Seb bought the house we live in before we got together, and all my friends live too far out for me to stay with them.

I arrange a couple of viewings.

2nd January

I feel very bleak as I am shown the rooms. Not being able to picture myself living in them at all. To me, they seem dark, dingy and lonely.

Back at his Aunt’s the phone rings — it’s him. Apologising, begging and making promises. I agree to go for a drink.

Sitting opposite, he implores me to forgive him, to not waste all we have worked towards. He tells me it will never happen again. I want to believe him. He was never one to play games.

I almost start feeling sorry for him when he explains how he never knew if I was committed to our relationship, and wondered if I still had feelings for Vic, an ex who is also my best friend.

Implying what has happened is my fault for not sharing my feelings.

Rather than retaliating, I ponder over events in my mind.

There are things Seb does not know. The most important one being that he was right to feel my distance. The connection between Vic and me has always remained strong. We have known each other since our early teens and act like our relationship, whatever that entails at different times, is the most important. So, I certainly am not as lily-white as I would like to be.

3rd January

Once more, I have been awake most of the night thinking.

It may be for the best to get back with him.

I am sure I still love him? And he feels the same.

He just made a mistake. We all do.

I drive round and he is in the kitchen making breakfast. He looks up sheepishly. When I tell him my decision, he hugs me. We start kissing, fumbling for each other’s buttons like teenagers. Falling on the couch, he asks me if I am sure. I reply by straddling him…

I want us to fuck until I can erase the other woman.

We both orgasm.

I feel insecure.

4th January

Back to work today. I couldn’t stop thinking about if he was going to see her. In a moment of weakness, I ring her husband. I kept the number from when he called me. He is happy to chat and says he’s certain it is over. During the conversation, I realise I have to let it go, or it will eat me alive. I can not spend every moment worrying that he could be with her or someone else. I make a pact with my self to leave it in the past, for my own sanity.

Once home, I need to have sex again. The funny thing is, in the early days, once the initial lust had worn off, we never really did it much! Seb is vanilla. Whereas, I had a very open first boyfriend. We experimented together, and so in recent months I have been bored with the same old sexual routines.

But now it feels as if we are back at the start of our relationship. I am hurt and vulnerable. I need reassurance that comes from physical intimacy. Also, there is a slight twist going on at the back of my head. I am appalled by what happened, yet I almost find it a turn on that he was with someone else. I must be warped!

16th January

Yesterday we sold the camper van.

Epilogue: We stayed together for many years and had two children. However, we parted ways, which proved to be a very messy business — not my proudest moment either…

Another from May More