Summary

Codependence is characterized as an addiction to relationships, with dynamics similar to substance addiction, involving tolerance, withdrawal, and significant personal sacrifice.

Abstract

Codependence is described as a form of addiction where individuals become dependent on their relationships to manage their emotional state, much like a substance addict relies on their drug of choice. This addiction is marked by an increasing need for more relationship engagement to feel satisfied (tolerance) and experiencing distressing symptoms when separated from the partner (withdrawal). The article suggests that codependence, like other addictions, is rooted in past trauma and can lead to a paradoxical preference for the familiarity of the addiction over the discomfort of recovery. The author also introduces additional aspects of codependence, such as rebounding to replace relationships quickly, co-regulation where emotional stability is entirely dependent on the partner, and sacrifice of personal well-being for the sake of the relationship.

Opinions

The author equates codependence with an addiction to people, suggesting that codependents use relationships to escape the pain of being alone, much like a drug addict uses substances.
Tolerance in codependence is likened to needing more of a substance to achieve the desired effect, with the author using the example of a codependent person never feeling truly satisfied in a relationship despite the time spent together.
Withdrawal from a relationship for a codependent individual can manifest physically and emotionally, with symptoms that may drive them back into the relationship despite its unhealthy nature.
The author believes that codependence involves a deep-seated need for love that was unmet in childhood, leading individuals to seek this love through their partners in adulthood.
Rebounding in codependent relationships is seen as a quick replacement of one relationship with another, indicating an addiction to the dynamics of a relationship rather than a specific person.
Co-regulation in codependence is viewed as an unhealthy dependency on a partner for emotional regulation, which should ideally be an independent capacity.
Sacrifice in codependent relationships can be extensive, with individuals compromising their health, friendships, and self-respect for the sake of maintaining the relationship.

Codependence is an Addiction to People

Did I ever tell you how to say handcuffs in Spanish?

Codependence is an addiction to another human. While drug addicts find sobriety painful, codependents find being alone miserable. They enter relationships to relieve themselves of the pain of being alive, turning their partners into drug and drug-dealer in one.

As clinicians, we identify addictions through two key factors: tolerance and withdrawal. Codependence stands up to this clinical model.

Tolerance

The more you have of your fix, the more you need to get your fix on. Guns N’ Roses captured this in their song about their own heroin addiction, Mr. Brownstone:

I used to do a little

But the little wouldn’t do it

So the little got more and more.

I just keep trying to get a little better,

A little better than before.

I miss my wife, I see my wife, I feel full of wifeyness. But to a codependent, time spent in relationship is like pouring elixir into a bottle with a hole at the bottom. You need to continue your supply incessantly or you will soon feel empty, as if the hours — or years — had never happened at all. And so the capacity for satisfaction is itself eroded by the addiction.

I analogize codependence to a friend providing you a hotspot through their phone. So long as they remain close to you, you function. But the moment they separate themselves, you cannot connect to the world around you. You become tense, fearful, frustrated, angry. Don’t they know you need them? You do whatever it takes to get them close again. You play the victim. You play the perpetrator. You play the rescuer. You perform the combination of strength and weakness that gets them to comply. You play the game which feels spontaneous in the moment but is deeply scripted in your unconscious. And suddenly, they are close again. And all is right with the world.

Withdrawal

I started therapy as an addiction counselor. There I learned that addiction is sandwiched between trauma and torture. The trauma of the past led the patient to their addiction while the misery of future withdrawal disincentives their quitting.

You see this in chronic smokers who breathe fine — until they quit and start coughing horribly, only to find they can breathe again the moment they start to smoke. It is like watching an asthmatic puff from their inhaler, only the disease has become the cure. Hold onto any addiction long enough, and it will feel more stable, more right, more needed, more you than the baseline you left to become an addict.

When codependents attempt to leave a relationship, they, too, demonstrate withdrawal symptoms: anxiety, insomnia, cold sweats, nightmares, paranoia, racing thoughts, catastrophization…it’s enough to send a person to therapy…where they try to find a cure for the disease of becoming healthy and whole.

Codependents not only manifest withdrawal symptoms in their bodies to incentivize a return to their addiction, they can manifest actual life events. I know a married couple who attempted to separate for more than a day three times in 30 years. Each time, a freak accident would put one spouse in the emergency room, and bring the other back home early.

This is the paradox of withdrawal: you feel worse going clean than staying in your addiction. And given that addicts are particularly likely to weigh life decisions by ego states and through short-term criteria, their instincts often lead them to doing what is ‘healthy’ — for their addiction.

To these two clinical factors, I add Rebounding, Co-regulation and Sacrifice:

Rebounding

I knew a couple, both of whom were obese. They transferred their obesity onto their cat, feeding the poor creature all day long. Before long, he could barely move. They took him to the vet. ‘He’s going through liver failure and he’s diabetic. I wish you had brought him to me sooner. I’m sorry, we have to put your cat down.’

The horrified couple drove home. Along the way, they stopped at the pet store, bought a new cat, and brought him home. He walked to the old cat’s unfinished breakfast, and began to eat.

People are replaceable insofar as they are a means to an end. This is why codependence may be more accurately described as an addiction to a relationship than to the person itself. We do not replace people insofar as they are singular, but we do replace relationships insofar as they are interchangeable.

Co-regulation

I of course am happier when things are great with wifey and worse when we bicker. And yet I am able in general to enjoy life when we are disconnected, and hope that she enjoys a happiness that is independent of mine.

But when you are addicted to a person, the gatekeeper to your happiness is your connection to them. If everything is going well but the relationship, the codependent leads a miserable life. If everything is going miserably but the relationship, everything will be alright!

The only time it is healthy to depend on another person to be able to regulate yourself is when you are a young child with your parent. This suggests the aetiology of codependence involves having needed love when you were young, but not being able to feel it. Thus the codependent turns to their partner to give what their parent did not.

Sacrifice

Addicts can lose their health, their friends, their jobs, their money, their self-respect and anything they held sacred when they were sober. The same goes for severe co-dependents.

We have all met one person who knew they were in a destructive relationship, but could not get them to leave. It was like trying to talk an alcoholic out of drinking: like this because it was this. Insight into the assured sacrifice of love and happiness don’t make an addict sober anymore than it makes a codependent whole.

When you are codependent, your drug is love and your partner is your dealer. You pay in self-esteem and boundaries. Like any addict, you lacked love in your upbringing, and push your addiction into the space where love should have been.

I wrote an article entitled What it’s like to to be Codependent. Enjoy your dependence on insightful writing!

To follow me: https://medium.com/@myartman

To subscribe: https://medium.com/@myartman/membership