Coach Tony Fan Club
Coach Tony is a Beautiful, Glorious Man
Who’s Hung Like a Horse and Has Personal Hygiene Beyond Reproach
Carlo Zeno has me scared. This is uncharted territory for me, as The Godfather of Medium. I’m starting to doubt myself and my writing superpowers.
Carlo published a story last night titled Knee-Capped By the Censors. The Godfather can appreciate the humor in that one. In this piece, Carlo mentions that his stats have been noticeably lower lately.
This has come to be after he wrote a previous piece in which he was openly critical of Medium’s new Boost program and the limited number of publications that have the ability to use it.
He’s wondering if writing about his stats dropping after being critical of the new Boost program has caused the higher-ups at Medium to throttle his posts. Have they turned the algorithm against him due to censorship? Does criticizing Medium get noticed and dealt with?
I don’t know. But I’m not taking any chances. So I’d like to talk a bit about our wonderful, kind-hearted CEO of Medium, Coach Tony.
Coach Tony was born in Santa Rosa, California in 1978. Because he’s such a rock star, his mother gave birth to Tony after only 0.37 hours of labor and on the first push. He came out fully able to converse with his parents and the doctor, speaking 3 languages.
Tony grew up as an exceptional child. He told his father on his first day of kindergarten, “See you at lunchtime.” Though his parents didn’t understand what young Tony meant, they found him walking home in a graduation gown and cap with his kindergarten diploma in hand.
He also rescued a little old lady from a burning apartment building on the way home. He carried each of her 8 cats under his small but strong arms. Coach Tony was a hero. He spoke fluent Mandarin to the Siamese cat and told her that he loved and valued her.
Grade school was a breeze for Coach Tony. He skipped grades 1, 2, 3, 4, and got his homework done and more. Gotta gotta get up to get down. He later gave those lyrics to a popular rapper from his area Coolio, not even charging him royalties because of the kind-hearted man he was.
After excelling in junior high and high school, Coach Tony knew that he had bigger things to accomplish in the world. He graduated from Grinnell College and became noted for his straight A’s in every course he took while making his fraternity a more kind, accepting place.
Tony was a social man, who could dance better than Fred Astaire and John Travolta combined. He stood up against bullies and whupped their asses better than Jean Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal. Then he laid more ass than Ron Jeremy in the four years he attended college.
He even allowed nerds to join his fraternity after seeing the horrific treatment of the Lambda Lambda Lambdas in Revenge of the Nerds. Coach Tony vowed to fight for equality and justice for all nerds, and other human beings on our planet. This led to his work on developing online companies and technology to bring the world together.
After starting a number of successful companies and becoming a legend on Medium, Medium said, “Fuck it” and made Coach Tony the CEO in 2022. He has revolutionized the Medium algorithm and even has given writers “The Boost” in 2023. I have zero doubt that paid external views are coming any day now, and we’ll all be making six figures as Medium writers shortly.
Coach T is a legend. He once caught a 75 lb catfish and the clap from Pamela Anderson during the same summer. He has 8.3 million dollars invested in his 401k and is running a matching 401k ultra-endurance race this spring, uphill both ways.
He drives a Bugatti to the homes of all of the Medium groupies he sleeps with, and this is in no way pathetic or sad. Tim Denning comes over to cut the grass at Coach T’s estate. No riding mower, either. He pushes one of those old-ass blade-cutting jobbies.
And speaking of grass, Tony can smoke Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson under the table. It’s legal there in California. He let the dogs out and doesn’t give a fuck where they end up. He cooks better than Gordon Ramsey and may be the reincarnation of Julia Child.
Coach Tony is a genius. Besides being an intelligent, compassionate man with minty fresh breath, I know that he’s also FORGIVING. I have written some things in my past blogs about him that were only said out of frustration and humor. I feel the need to confess my sins by posting the links to these blogs:
Coach Tony, I know you have a sense of humor. I know that you have forgiveness in that big heart of yours. I see you more as a deity than a CEO.
If you came out with an official religion, I’d covert to it. If there was a certain type of official outfit or a robe involved, I’d buy 7 of them, one for every day of the week. I’d even drink the Kool-Aid.
I’d love to invite you over for an evening of Baked Ziti with my family. The Wine-Drunk Italian Chef would love to show you how we party down here in Idaho. I wanna be homies with you. I know you need to teach me humility, though you do find my writing charming and hilarious.
Thank you for all you do for us, Coach. I appreciate you fixing the slowdown on my Medium profile’s visibility now that I’ve told the unexaggerated truth about The Man, The Myth, The Legend. My writing staff at Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Blogs are looking forward to receiving The Boost soon, and ditto about the paid external views.
We always have your back, Coach Tony. We love you and accept you as our Lord and personal savior of Medium. Praise be and gobbless to you, your family, and all of the Medium groupies who are jockeying for position to stroke your holy balls. &:^)