Popularity Contest

I Think Medium Plays Favorites Among Writers

This is How I Imagine Things Go Down at Headquarters

Once again, I’m seeing a trend that I’ve noticed for many months now. A rockin’ first half of the month, followed by a noticeable decline in views and reads from the middle to last week of the month.

I’m starting to think that Medium is sticking it to us, once we start doing well.

Have you ever heard of the term “Throttling” before? Throttling is when an internet service provider notices how much of their resources you’re using in terms of gigabytes of data. Though you’re told you have an unlimited data plan, once hit a certain amount of usage, it slows WAY down.

I think Medium is doing this to those of us who are doing well with our earnings. This is about to be my fourth month out of the past six where I’ll be earning $1000 or close to it. And every time I’m on pace to make about $1200-$1300, it suddenly slows down for the second half of the month.

I’m no dummy. I know that I don’t slow down my production from the 15th to the 31st. I don’t suddenly put things on auto-pilot and start writing lazy, shitty blogs.

My theory is that Medium is throttling some of the top writers during the second half of each month. I imagine they have a board meeting around the 15th and discuss each writer’s pace.

Stony Tubblebine: “Order! Order! Settle the hell down and come to order! Bitch, go get me some coffee!”

Corporate Person #1: “Uh, Stone. You can’t call the office person “bitch”. That’s inappropriate. Plus Tracy is a man.”

Stony: “Well no shit, Sherlock! Did you just assume that I assumed their gender? “Bitch” wasn’t meant to be a sexist, misogynistic term. I meant it like, “UNDERLING, GET ME MY BEAN JUICE!”

CP #1: “Ohhhhhhhhh…Ok. Then carry on.”

Stony: “Goddamn right. Move it, Dobby! Sugar and two creams! Anyway, we are doing an amazing amount of business to start out 2023. And by amazing, I mean, we’re FUCKED.”

Corporate Lackey #2: “Sir? Frigged?”

Tubble: “No. Not frigged, FUCKED. Don’t use fake-ass, baby-ears substitute swears in front of me. 10% pay cut for you. Don’t make me drop you by 20%.”

CL #2: *Utter silence and trembling

Teletubbie: “Ok, we have to apply the brakes on these so-called “professional writers”. Christ, I have a beach house on a private island that’s getting a helipad installed this week. I can’t be bleeding money paying the talent what they’re actually worth.”

Corporate Person #3: “I have a suggestion. Let’s throttle Tim Denning, Wil Wheaton, and Jessica Wildfire’s accounts. Those three alone take up 10% of the elite writers’ payout fund from Medium each month.”

Stony-T: “Are you nuts? Those people are the faces of this god-forsaken platform! Next idea.”

Corporate Person #1: “Well, What about suspending Obama’s account? We could say he’s causing division amongst the MAGA crowd. We might just be able to get it considered hate speech.”

Stony Tub: “Man, HELL NO. Get your ass off your shoulders. He has the Secret Service on his side and who knows what other types of people he has referrals for. He could make us all disappear with a phone call. NEXT.”

Corporate Person #5: “Uh, Sir? We could slow everyone else down that’s not making $100 a month or more. That’s about 94% of Medium writers. Perhaps they wouldn’t notice a drop of 10 to 20 percent on their second half of the month’s income?”

Stony Tubble: “In theory, I like the idea of screwing the lowest on the totem pole. However, 94% of our user base? They’d likely quit and go over to Substack. I can’t have that. That would suck shit for my ego. Try again.”

CP #3: “How about the up-and-comers? We have a few newer writers who are killing it each month. But they’re only in their first year or two of Medium writing. Perhaps we knock them down a peg and show them that they don’t quite have our algorithm figured out just yet.”

Stony: “Now we’re talking. Hell, even I don’t know how that goddamn algorithm works. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve tried figuring out since the clitoris. I’ve noticed a handful of newer writers who are far too popular. This one prick, in particular, needs to be taken down a few notches.”

A sudden hush falls over the boardroom. Quizzical looks appear on everyone’s faces. Who could Stony be referring to?

Stony, continuing: “Yeah, that mouthy douchebag Jason Provencio. God, that guy is sure opinionated. Posts two or three times daily, he’s cracked the Four-figures Club, and who in the fuck is giving him all of these Top Writer badges? 50 of them in a year?”

Executive Assistant: “Uh, 54, Sir.”

Stony Tubbs: “SILENCE! What am I going to do about this? I don’t know whether to promote him above you all or have him killed and dropped into shark-infested waters from my new helicopter!”

*Another awkward silence from the board

Stony: “That was just a joke. I’m kidding. Mostly. Throttle him down for the second half of the month, but only enough so he doesn’t catch on. I don’t need him putting us on blast again with his deplorable truths he writes.”

Corporate Person #1: “Consider it done, Sir. The man is a threat. He needs to be dealt with.”

Stony: “Excellent. And see what you can do about Bouncin’ and Behavin’ Blogs. There is no way a publication that new should be pushing over 400,000 views in the past 30 days. He runs that thing like it’s a gang.”

CP #3: “Yeah. Like the Mafia.”

Stony: “HEY! None of that stereotyping! All we need is for his Italian-ass to write yet another piece about racism and bigotry. Medium wouldn’t survive a hit like that. It would be like the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, all over again.”

Corporate Person #2: “Yes, we need to tread lightly. His goons could be all over us for that. He has almost 350 gangsters, er… writers over there. And that Rusty Shackleford sidekick of his isn’t someone to be fucked with. He might even be crazier than J-Pro.”

Stony Tubblebine: “Goddamn it, you’re right. Fuck. Elevate those two to Denning and Wildfire’s pay rates. We can’t risk it.”

CP #5: “What about our budget, Sir? We can’t pay them what they’re actually worth!”

Stony: “Just put out another article about how external views are being looked into and will be paid soon. We can stall this bitch out until the 3rd or 4th quarter at least.”

*Astonished looks from the board room.

Stony: “That is ALL.”