POLITICS, ENTERTAINMENT, SOCIAL INJUSTICE
Clarence Thomas Hospitalized Due To His Body Rejecting Sam Ervin’s Brain
Fruit loops and milk don’t mix
Step down, Clarence. You have no power here.
America’s token Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was hospitalized on March 18th, 2022 for displaying “flu-like” symptoms. Despite reassurances that Clarence was simply resting from March 21st, 2022, his illness terrified Republican leaders. Moscow Mitch McConnell was anxious that the Republican majority his party gained through shady means would later be lost if Thomas died during Biden’s tenure. “I haven’t felt this terrified since I got shot by a QAnon supporter just for looking reptilian,” McConnell admitted. “I can’t imagine a life where I have no power. I’m better off dead.”
McConnell quickly left to block Ketanji Brown Jackson’s nomination just to prepare for his worst case scenario. Meanwhile, we were curious what Clarence was suffering from. As it turns out, Clarence’s close friend reached out to us, as he couldn’t get in touch with Ginni Thomas. The friend pleaded, “Tell Ginni this. Get Richard Armitage here ASAP! Clarence is in danger!”
We wondered why the Thomases needed the Republican well known for outing Valerie Plame’s CIA identity. After researching Armitrage’s genealogy tree on Ancestry.com, we shockingly discovered that Armitrage’s family were specialized neurosurgeons and hypnotherapists who dealt in brain transplants. We wondered if Clarence was acting out due to a neurological disorder. We reached out to Ginni, who gave us an insane answer.
“Clarence isn’t alive. He hasn’t been alive since 1985. Clarence is actually Sam Ervin Jr.”
Confused, we asked Ginni to explain.
“Sam Ervin Jr was one of the founders of originalism and textualism. He believed that politicians should interpret the Constitution exactly the way it was written. Freedom is for everyone as long as it’s not regulated by the federal government. Unfortunately, people misconstrued Ervin Jr’s support for the founding father’s interpretation as racism.
“Yes, Ervin Jr defended racial segregation and opposed most federal civil rights legislation. However, Ervin Jr was far from a racist. He wasn’t even a bigot, for crying out loud! Hell, he even advocated for civil liberties later on in his career! He just felt that the state governments should grant civil rights!”
Ginni shook her head.
“What a smart man! A shame that woke culture tarnished the man who helped bring down Joseph McCarthy and Richard Nixon! God, thinking about his achievements makes me so moist.”
Ginni excused herself to the restroom.
45 minutes later, Ginni came back.
“Now, where was I? Oh yes. I badly wanted to date Ervin Jr. I know he was 88 and I was 31 at the time. I know I was currently dating Clarence. I know Ervin Jr was near the end of his life in 1985. But dammit! The heart wants what the heart wants! I loved Clarence for physical reasons. I loved Clarence‘s passion for group and nonconsensual sex, where he would strip down my panties and ride me despite me telling him no. I loved his sexy pillow talk, where he would whisper about wanting to train a hummingbird to build a nest in my pussy. Most of all, I loved Clarence for his black, mandingo dick!
“But lord! Clarence was a dumbass! He never said anything. He’d go for days without saying a word. When he opened his mouth, he would only talk about sex, gangbangs, rape, and incest. That’s all Clarence knew! He was a walking PornHub! Ervin Jr was the man who would intellectually and emotionally stimulate me. I would ride Clarence like a stallion, then slip out at night to talk to Ervin Jr until the morning. I don’t want to choose between the two. I want to have my cake and eat it too!”
Ginni reached out to the Armitrage family on how to get the best of both worlds. The Armitrages said they can perform an unorthodox brain transplant. They would hypnotize Clarence so he would sink into a void and be powerless, but remain conscious. During that time, the Armitrages would replace Clarence’s brain with Ervin Jr’s brain. Ervin Jr’s body would decay, but his brain will live on forever in Clarence’s body. The brain transplant was done in April 23, 1985, and Ervin Jr was pronounced dead.
The newly awakened Clarence Thomas-Sam Ervin Jr — or Thomas-Ervin Jr — had to relearn the English language, as the brain was slowly getting used to the body. “It’s why Thomas-Ervin Jr refused to do media interviews,” Gini Thomas stated. “If he did any, then the Democrats would suspect some brain disorder and call for his resignation. Thomas-Ervin Jr would speak very little to keep his job. That’s why he went over a decade without asking a question during oral arguments.”
Ginni recalled the struggles Thomas-Ervin Jr had to reacclimatize to the world.
“Clarence’s body was struggling to adapt to a different organ. It would sometime act out against Ervin Jr’s preferences. For instance, Ervin Jr would preach textualism to Anita Hill. However, Clarence’s subconscious would emerge and start confessing all of his sexual desires and prowess to Hill. When Hill told us, we quickly rushed Thomas-Ervin Jr to the Armitages, sunk Clarence’s conscious further into the void, and gave Ervin Jr’s conscious full control.”
Ginni described other moments when Clarence’s subconscious would act out to screw over Ervin Jr.
“Clarence wanted to get even, but could only think of sex pranks. When Ervin Jr was sleeping, Clarence found a small window to take over, shaved his pubes, and stuck them on all the Coke cans in his office refrigerator. When Ervin Jr regained conscious, he would drink those cans. At one point, Ervin Jr noticed the pubic hairs and asked Hill about this. Naturally, we took Thomas-Ervin Jr back to the Armitages to sink Clarence’s conscious deeper into the void.”
This charade made Hill so uncomfortable that she thought “Clarence” was harassing her. After George H. W. Bush appointed Thomas-Ervin Jr to replace Thurgood Marshall, Hill filed her sexual harassment lawsuit. Bush had no idea about the brain transplant. Nevertheless, he gave Thomas-Ervin Jr the position despite the allegations. Ginni claimed Bush told her this.
“If I hire a white man after the first black supreme court justice, I’ll lose seats under assumptions of racism. Once you go black, you never go back.”
37 years later, Thomas-Ervin Jr was able to keep up with the charade of the introvert who preached originalism. However, Ervin Jr’s brain aged faster than Clarence’s body during that time period. Clarence’s body started rejecting Ervin Jr’s old brain, where Thomas-Ervin Jr recently exhibited flu like symptoms and was rushed to the hospital. In fear that Thomas-Ervin Jr would die, Ginni ended the interview so she could quickly reach out to the Armitage family.
We were stunned that Ginni would would ruin black man’s life just to make a white man immortal. We tried to ask Ginni more questions, but she snapped at us. “There’s little time to save Thomas-Ervin Jr. The interview is done. GET OUT!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading! If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.
Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.