Chronic Pain Didn’t Defeat Me

It was a fight worth fighting

Illness teaches you an immensity of things. It forces you to confront yourself, to adjust, day after day. Above all, illness tests your limits and makes you dig deep into yourself, looking for ways to break you. At the same time, you desperately try to keep being yourself.

Through illness, you discover strengths you had no idea you had. But let’s not be romantic about it: your weaknesses will defeat you several times, maybe more times than strengths will save you.

The illness path is one of self-discovery

I suffer from chronic pain since my late twenties. When I was 36 years old, an emotional trauma (the sudden death of my brother), triggered the worse crisis I’ve ever had.

I never thought one could be in so much physical pain. Every muscle, tendon, and joint hurt. This went on for several months. I was living a nightmare. I couldn’t move and it hurt not to move; I couldn’t lay down but I couldn’t sit or stand. It was an impossible situation.

On the positive side, the cause for the pain that tormented me for years was now properly diagnosed. Finally!

I was diagnosed with rheumatic disease — ankylosis spondylitis. The diagnosis didn’t take the pain away, but knowing what I had was a mental relief. Even in acute suffering, I was happy I had a diagnosis. Knowing your enemy is all you need to start fighting it back.

Before the diagnosis, many times I had health professionals who didn’t take my complaints seriously; one doctor even called me a hypochondriac. Others told me I was overreacting or I was chasing a sick note to get off from work. Only those who suffer from chronic pain know how incapacitating and frustrating it is.

After my crisis, I was referred to rheumatology and started “treatment”. I was still in acute pain for two and a half years. The medication didn’t work. I spent day in and day out lying in bed or sofa, in pain. I lost my job, and my social life and intimate life became almost null. The pain took all away from me.

Suicidal thoughts started to pop into my mind — what I had wasn’t a life; it was survival, at a very high cost.

But I wouldn't go down without a fight. I started researching options, giving myself one last chance. I knew about the benefits of alternative medicines and holistic approaches to disease, so after researching for weeks and talking online with several people, I became a raw vegan foodist.

A couple of weeks after I changed my diet and lifestyle, the pain started to fade and my mobility improved. I was getting my life back! I also learned about mindfulness. Everything was changing for the better.

After years of medication that never took my pain away, in less than a month of a healthy diet and lifestyle, my level of pain reduced drastically. I stopped taking my ten daily tablets. I was moving again, walking outside, driving myself to my friend’s! I gained control over my disease.

Through my illness, I learned that I’m my worse enemy, but I’m also a hero.

Having pain as a life companion, you get in touch with your dark side; you feel deep and you feel horrible things.

On bad days, you mostly feel anger, despair and solitude. On the not-so-bad days, you might feel some relief and hope but contaminated with fear and worry (because tomorrow, certainly, won’t be so good).

Seven years after changing my lifestyle, I have a “normal” life. I’m not sick anymore. I’m not free from pain, but it’s manageable: I know what triggers it and how to smooth it.

I still have bad days, I still have a few limitations, but now I have a life. A proper and independent life.

I beat chronic pain.

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