Truth In Satire

China Reveals Offensive Remarks Trump Made To Xi Jinping At 2019 Dinner

‘We hope this recording of dumb Donald man make him not able to win American president again’

Considering him a “planetary threat,” China is trying to nip a second Trump presidency in the bud by releasing a tape of offensive remarks and racist tropes that the former president made at a 2019 dinner with the Chinese leader in Osaka, Japan.

• “Let’s talk trade. I’m making my dress shirts in Vietnam, the double-breasted suits in Bangledesh, and my signature Trump ties in Mexico. But I’d be happy to throw your people more of the apparel work if you know someone.”
• “I used to have a Chinese tenant in one of my buildings. Or maybe the guy was Japanese. Or was he Korean? No matter…same difference.”
• “Look, when I questioned the legitimacy of the “One China Policy,” I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about. I had no idea you even cared about Taiwan. I don’t even know where the place is.”
• “Come on, tell me. Is it true what they say about Asian doo-dahs—horizontal?”
• “We absolutely love the Chinese people in America. If it hadn’t been for your hardworking Chinamen, we wouldn’t have a transcendental railroad.”
• “I tried to get the chef here to roast up some dog for dinner, but all he had were a couple of Akitas and I know you’re not crazy about Japanese.”
• “I’ve always wondered, what’s the secret to putting those little strips of paper inside the fortune cookies? How do you do that?”
• “I got one for you, Xi—two Ching Chongs walk into a chop suey restaurant…”
• “I’m curious about these man-made islands you’re building in the South China Sea. We should talk about putting some first-class Trump hotels on a few of them.”
• “You like ping-pong? They’ve got ping-pong down in the basement.”
• “Check out the pressed collar on this shirt. Perfecto, right? I got a great Chinese hand laundry guy back in New York — Chen, Chun, Chin, something like that. Miracle worker with anything cotton.”’
• “I’m no good with the wooden chopsticks, Xi. If it’s all the same to you, I’m going to go with the monogrammed Tiffany silverware.”
• “Do you know General Tso personally? We’re crazy about his chicken in America.”
• “I loved Kung Fu, great show. Big fan of David Carradine’s. He crushed it in like every episode.”
• “So, I’m down in Chinatown and I see these two old ladies spitting like a couple of sailors. One hawked all over my expensive loafers. What’s with the gobbing gooks, Xi? It’s disgusting.”
• “I don’t know if you fool around, but you really oughta try some Slovenian. Obedient, keep their mouths shut, and crazy hot wearing crotchless lace.”

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