Cheating on Your Spouse Means You’re a Weakling
It’s choosing the comfort of deception instead of the strength of authenticity.
I recently wrote a piece in which I expressed my sympathy for people who cheat on their spouses. At least that’s if their spouse refuses to have sex with them.
In this piece, I write:
I’m just asking whether instead of viewing the betrayed partner as the victim, should we have more compassion for the adulterous one?
The sexually denied spouse simply wanted to stop feeling neglected. They simply wanted to feel desired.
They wanted sex. It’s a very human need.
Maybe you’ll say they should have just left the marriage. But you and I both know it’s not that easy….
Cheating is simply a way to hold on to a marriage. In that case, I’m asking if we’re being too hard on cheaters?
Should we have more sympathy?
And yet, even as I read what I wrote, I cringe. I don’t have sympathy for cheaters across the board. I think cheating, as a rule, is a bad thing.
More, I think it’s a sign of weakness.
But still, people cheat.
Surveys show that 22% of married men have been unfaithful to a partner at least one time in their life. Fourteen percent of married women have done the same. Rates of infidelity have actually risen in recent years. Why?
I blame it on accessibility.
Dating apps and websites like Ashley Madison have made it exceedingly easy to have an affair. Anecdotal evidence from friends and acquaintances reveals that tons of married people are on dating apps. Not all of them are being honest about their married status either. It’s creepy.
Single folks, who want honest relationships, unwittingly get caught in some cheater’s web of lies? I have no sympathy for such fraudsters.
I highly doubt every single one of these cheaters is in a sexless marriage. I think there’s a different answer:
Cheaters want to have their cake and eat it, too. And quite frankly, that’s spineless.
Cheaters want the best of both worlds because they’re too afraid to face the difficulties of divorced life.
But let’s ask why cheaters don’t just leave their marriages? Divorce means giving up certain creature comforts.
Divorce means seriously disrupting your life. It means suffering.
So cheaters tell themselves they’re staying for the kids. They might even claim they still love their spouse.
The truth is they want the easy life. They don’t want to leave the big house. Two salaries are better than one. And those vacations... If you can bear to go to Cabo with your spouse, you can do so nicely.
Besides, you have those investments tied up in a mutual account. Unlinking your finances would lead to extreme losses.
It’s better to cheat.
You can have something on the side and still stay living in the nice neighborhood, enjoying your cushy life.
But doing that means you’re a weakling.
I had a client who thought he was a strong alpha. He was a weak cheater.
Back when I used to do sex work, I had a wealthy client with a very big ego. Max saw himself as an alpha.
He still had sex with his wife. He was happy with her. They had great sex. At least this is what he told me.
He saw me because what he had at home wasn’t enough. He wanted more. So he slept with escorts, women he met through work, and had a sugar baby or two.
He saw himself as a big man on the top of the heap. Sure, one who couldn’t even be honest with his wife.
Max was too soft to put up with the difficulties of living an authentic life.
Cheating is a crutch.
For every excuse I hear a cheater give, I have an answer. Face your fears. Deal with your problems. Suffer through the momentary discomforts of divorce.
Okay, so maybe some of these discomforts last for a while. Maybe divorce will totally destroy your life as you know it.
You’ll have to move, probably downsize. You’ll have to sell off some of the stocks — maybe a lot of them. You’ll lose money — oh, you’ll lose money.
You’ll have to give up a lot. Keeping everything means deception.
Keeping everything means being weak.
Here’s the thing: divorce can be lonely and depressing. But cheating just prolongs the inevitable. Your marriage is already over, or you wouldn’t be cheating.
Refusing to deal with your issues, lying to your spouse, and most importantly, to yourself…
That’s weak.
Honesty is difficult. It’s hard. It means letting go of the crutch of cheating.
But that’s also what will make you strong.
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