I’m Sympathetic to Those Who Cheat on Their Sexless Marriages

Even if I believe nothing good can come from infidelity.

Should you feel “allowed” to cheat on your spouse if they’ve stopped having sex with you? Yes, married couples actually stop having sex with one another. People ostensibly get married to have sex. Then after a few years, they stop.

Why? For many reasons. The birth of children, financial difficulties, religious shame, past sexual trauma, hormonal changes — all are issues that influence one partner to stop wanting sex with the other.

But if this happens, should the sexually unfulfilled partner feel they have the right to cheat? Or at least should they be taken off the hook for committing an act of infidelity in the rest of society’s eyes?

I’m just asking whether instead of viewing the betrayed partner as the victim, should we have more compassion for the adulterous one?

The sexually denied spouse simply wanted to stop feeling neglected. They simply wanted to feel desired.

They wanted sex. It’s a very human need.

Maybe you’ll say they should have just left the marriage. But you and I both know it’s not that easy.

Children, finances, a genuine desire to remain part of a community — these are all reasons people stay in sexless marriages.

Cheating is simply a way to hold on to a marriage. In that case, I’m asking if we’re being too hard on cheaters?

Should we have more sympathy?

I do.

Should we have compassion for people in sexless marriages who cheat on their spouses?

Maybe you think I’m wrong in having sympathy for cheaters, at least those who are in sexless marriages. You’d argue that when you commit to your partner, it’s for the good and bad.

While others might say that you do have a conjugal duty to your spouse to have sex with them, most still wouldn’t condone cheating, even in the case of sexlessness.

Cheating is looked down on in our culture. And yet, divorce is also stigmatized. The idea that one partner would leave the other partner just over sex — you’re not going to win in the ethics department if you leave your spouse over that.

And yet, most can also agree that sex is necessary for the well-being of a relationship. Some would argue that it’s critical to our well-being as humans.

And yet, marriages continue to become sexless. People continue to cheat on their spouses in such marriages. And we continue to crucify them for doing so.

Is this wrong? Should we have more compassion for cheaters in such cases?

My boyfriend paid for sex with prostitutes as a way to stay in his marriage with his now-ex-wife.

I’ll tell you the story of my current partner’s marriage. He was in a sexless marriage for years. His wife literally stopped having sex with him after the birth of their second child. My partner spent years in this situation.

He finally got fed up. His wife kept denying him sex. She got angry if he even ask to be intimate with her.

My partner is not a demanding, selfish guy. He didn’t want only physical gratification. He wanted to connect to his wife. He wanted to make love to her.

But she fended off his advances, treated him like he was some sex-starved pervert. Always the good guy who wanted to keep the marriage together for his kids, he started to cheat on his wife.

But he didn’t want to have an affair where he emotionally invested in another woman. He tried to get around this by seeing escorts.

Yes, he paid for sex with prostitutes.

He never saw the same woman twice. He was circumspect about not getting emotionally involved with another woman. He didn’t want to fall in love with anyone else. He loved his wife.

After years of sleeping with a different escort once a month and continuing to be denied sexually by his wife, he came clean to her. He admitted his “crimes.” In doing so, he became the perpetrator.

Worse, he self-diagnosed as a sex addict, a diagnosis that was encouraged by a sex-negative therapist. He felt awful about himself.

He became depressed while his wife washed her hands of any role she might have played in compelling him to have sex with prostitutes behind her back.

It took years for him to finally muster up the courage to leave this marriage. Still, he feels like a terrible person for doing so.

His ex has poisoned the kids to her side of the story. His now-adult children know he paid for sex and is a “sex addict.”

Or whatever.

I often tell him he has to forgive himself. He was just trying to survive in an emotionally devoid, sexless marriage.

He didn’t want to leave his wife. He stayed for the kids, for the house, for the community.

When word got out about how he’d left his wife (and cheated on her with prostitutes!), he was ostracized by any friends they had as a couple. He had to leave his church. All the while, she got to keep the house and her unblemished role as victim.

But who’s the real victim here?

As a sex worker, I had many clients who were in sexless marriages.

Trust me — I’m not promoting cheating. I don’t think you should cheat on your spouse.

My husband cheated on me when my own marriage became sexless. It’s hard for me to look logically at that situation.

But in doing sex work after my divorce, I also know that I had so many clients who no longer had sex with their wives, who sought me out for some sort of sexual solace.

As a sugar baby, I slept with married men who no longer had sex with their wives.

As a domme, I tortured men who were in sexless marriages.

I had clients who were into chastity training. It’s almost like it was a way to eroticize their sexlessness.

For those of you who don’t know what chastity training is, it’s locking a metal cage over a man’s penis so he’s not allowed to touch himself or have sex. He stays in chastity until his domme unlocks him.

Perhaps my chastity clients felt like they weren’t cheating on their wives because I was “forcing” them to deny their sexuality. They could be sexual with me without the guilt.

And yes, I felt bad for these men. I didn’t think they were in the wrong in seeking out my services. I don’t think my partner should feel bad about having paid for sex behind his now ex-wife’s back either.

Did he hurt his wife by cheating on her? Yes. But she hurt him too when she stopped wanting to have sex with him.

Honestly, denying your spouse sex is downright abusive.

I can empathize with the reasons people in sexless marriages cheat even if I don’t think it’s a good thing.

But like I said, I’m not condoning cheating. I think this goes beyond morality.

Yes, it’s hurtful to lie to somebody but I also think that it is bad for the liar.

Living in a web of lies, compartmentalizing your feelings and actions — this is never good. It’s asking to mess up your life and the lives of those you’re cheating on. What good can come from it?

It’s also just putting a Band-Aid on a bad situation. Obviously, the right thing to do is to either fix your marriage or leave.

But people feel that they can’t leave their marriages for a myriad of reasons. Imploring your spouse to start having sex with you again also isn’t so easy.

So some people react to this impasse by cheating. I can empathize with the reasons people in sexless marriages cheat even if I don’t think it’s a good thing to do.

I can sympathize with their motivations even if I would never recommend infidelity as a remedy.

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