Cheating Is Not a Personal Development Hack

Infidelity isn’t necessary for growth and it’s not a stepping stone to greatness or key to maturity either

I never went out of my way to have sex with men in relationships. I wasn’t on the hunt looking for only those posting pictures of their girlfriends or anything. I haven’t done it with that many, but it is a few. However, when I found out they were in one, I didn’t reject their advances.

The way I saw it, they were the ones who had made the commitment, not me. I was single. If they wanted to break their vows or promises, that was strictly down to their own discretion. But I wouldn’t stop them. Nor would I enable them, I would just leave it alone and never mention it. With most, this wasn’t the first time that they had cheated. In fact, many were seasoned pro’s, methodical in their deception. If they didn’t do it with me, they were likely to do it with someone else, so what is the harm?

Anything that ever happened was strictly casual. They never had to worry about me phoning them up in the middle of the night, begging them to choose. There was never any feelings involved. At the very least, there was animal-like instinct and at the most friendship.

To be bluntly honest, I didn’t care about what their partner would think or feel if they found out. In my eyes, it was not my business, but an issue for their partner to work out. In the situation, I was an unimportant pawn. Replaceable, dispensable so I thought my impact was null.

In the end, there was very little blowback. I don’t think any of the women ever found out — or maybe they never reached out — and I never attempted to snitch on their partner. All in all, I suffered very little from these escapades, though there was one encounter when these lines got blurred. To cut a long story short, feelings got involved, and though there were multiple signs that he wanted me, he never left.

Though this was a once in a lifetime event, I thought from then on; I only wanted to deal with people who were 100% single. It was easier and less complicated for me, sure, but also for everybody involved. Though I’d been lucky the other few times, there is no telling what the future could hold.

Also, I didn’t want to get a reputation. Though no homes were wrecked by me (as far as I’m aware), this is around the time I started caring about the kind of energy I put into the world. I didn’t want to be the bringer of chaos and destruction. I didn’t want negativity and heartbreak to be all that lay in my wake. I wanted to be light. So I changed. I began to refuse the advances of anyone not single. I was even careful and declined the advances of those in open relationships.

However, my time around cheaters has made me cynical of monogamy. I personally believe that everybody cheats, I’ve seen it. Almost everybody will do it eventually, intentional or not, whether it be done emotionally or physically. But it’s ok, we are all imperfect, and imperfections don’t make us evil.

There is a difference between those who accidentally fall to their imperfections and those who are systematic about it. There is a huge difference between someone having a drunken kiss or encounter post-argument vs someone who cheats on their partner repeatedly.

The latter, quite simply, don’t care about breaking vows or hearts. They may act like it when they fall out hits while grovelling at the knees of their partner. But they don’t. The only reason they are so shaken is that they have lost control in the situation. They wanted to have their cake and eat it. Whereas others see love and sex as completely different yet still want to participate in monogamy.

Which is why I hate this current culture of male celebrities claiming cheating “made them better”. It did not; you just got caught. Cheating is not a personal development hack that is needed to be completed to unlock maturity. The very notion of this idea is ridiculous. Many of these men didn’t cheat accidentally but with purpose and intent. If they hadn’t have been caught, it is likely the cheating would still be going on.

I believe that the issue is that we have a lot of people pretending to be monogamous when they’re not. I have slept with men who while being in a relationship, would say they would be furious if they found out their girlfriend was unfaithful. Which doesn’t make sense until you realise these people are only monogamous because they can’t stand the idea of a woman having multiple relations — they get off on the control. Because for them “it’s different”.

I do believe there are people in the world who are monogamous to the core, but there is a huge percentage of people pretending to be saints when they are not. It is not completely their fault, either seeing as we raise boys to men telling them that they can’t help their sexual desire. Men cheating in some circles is seen as a norm, even though it is very hush-hush.

Though it isn’t just a man problem, women do it too — though we tend to be craftier. As I said, everybody cheats, but everybody lies too. Everybody will steal something at least once in their lifetime, claiming it is theirs when it isn’t. But that doesn’t make us bad people; it makes us human. Lying and stealing won’t make you a better person, but it is your actions after that that will determine your character.

I believe if people want to be monogamous, then they should. However, we should stop giving a pass to those who cheat with purpose and intent, under the duress that it’ll help them grow as a person. Though I believe, almost everyone will do it (intentionally or not) there are some who will do it just once. Some who will do it a few times and change and others who need to accept monogamy isn’t for them.

Personally, I believe open relationships and marriages are the key to success in this area, but I understand that they aren’t for everybody.

So to the monogamists around us, infidelity isn’t necessary for growth. It is not a stepping stone to greatness or enlightenment. It does not make your partner a martyr; it’s just a thing people do. Now, whether you forgive them for it is completely up to you.

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