Change Your Algorithm, Change Your Life

How to put the bane of social media users to good work in your life.

Social media algorithms are powerful, we all know that. Riots can be fomented with the help of an algorithm that stokes people’s rage with more rage, resulting in a seemingly inextinguishable inferno.

They can lead to a dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy — I read an article by a man condemning Instagram as the “worst of the social media platforms” because all it ever “showed him” were gorgeous, scantily clad women, and that fed into his porn addiction. Though I felt bemused compassion for him, it reinforced what I’d long found to be true in life as well as in social media — you’re gonna get shown more of what you look for.

What I see on social media is primarily empowering videos by spiritual women and “moody maximalist” interior design. And cats, of course. But that’s a given.

A Confession

I don’t really know what algorithm means. I have a basic understanding of the concept, but technological concepts are anathema to my neurodivergent brain. So just to make sure I wasn’t way off track on this, I looked up the definition. According to Wikipedia:

“In mathematics and computer science, an algorithm is a finite sequence of rigorous instructions, typically used to solve a class of specific problems or to perform a computation.”

Ok, so my eyes glazed over a little reading that, but it confirms my understanding. Hold that thought - let’s come back to that definition.

Changing My Own Algorithm

I’ve written extensively about the dramatic change in my own life that occurred during the pandemic. I won’t go into the gory details here, but to suffice it to say that I had been stuck in a really bad algorithm for a long time. Decades, even.

Perhaps you can relate.

I inherited mental illness from both sides of my family. My father was abusive to me and my mother. My mother and I struggled financially, I had profound father issues & body issues on top of depression and anxiety. Add to that my undiagnosed autism (I was diagnosed in 2022), and you can see that I was set up for disaster. That’s what I believed, and that’s how I behaved. I was careening toward one big final disaster when, for whatever reason, something clicked for me and I had a moment of clarity.

I’ve been working on changing my algorithm ever since.

How Does One Create an Algorithm?

Great question! When I Googled it, I found a straightforward answer that even I could understand (at least I understood the major bullet points).

“How to build an algorithm in six steps”

Step 1: Determine the goal of the algorithm

Step 2: Access historic and current data

Step 3: Choose the right models

Step 4: Fine-tune

Step 5: Visualize your results

Step 6: Run your algorithm continuously

As I say ad nauseam, one-size-fits-all is a lie. That being said, I reckon that these steps can be applied to creating your own algorithm.

Here’s how I used & continue to use these steps to create my own life algorithm — although I wouldn’t have called it that when I began.

Step 1: Determine the goal of the algorithm

This one was pretty simple. I was miserable. I hated myself. I was utterly disappointed in myself and thus in everything around me. It seemed like I couldn’t get a break, and I lived with one foot in the grave, daring life to make me jump. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore.

The goal of my algorithm: Happiness, or at least some sense of it. Peace. The ability to live a peaceful life without constant crises.

Step 2: Access historic and current data

For me, this became a quest to know and accept myself at every level. It involved an unflinching look at everything that had ever happened in my life, how I’d reacted, and how that had reverberated. It meant looking deeply and honestly at my patterns, at the grooves that had formed the cacophonous disharmony of my life.

That’s called shadow work, and it’s not fun & it’s not quick, but it’s the only “through” I know of that truly leads to “out” of emotional pain.

My historic & current data: Using shadow work to really unpack my own personality and history, I grew to accept who I am & who I had been. I determined that I needed to let go of shame and embrace myself 100%.

Step 3: Choose the right models

I searched for examples of things that felt right — people who were where I wanted to be and books that described how to get there. They were easy to find, and I found a lot of them, or at least the breadcrumbs that led to them, on social media.

And that leads me back to the young man I mentioned with the porn addiction. Like him & his scantily clad women, my feed (and my life) began to reflect back to me what I was looking for. It was remarkable enough to make me wonder occasionally if I’m not actually living in a computer simulation and was being rewarded for finally figuring out a rather simple yet profound problem.

My experience with choosing the right models: The examples of people and ideas that excited me began to proliferate once I began to look for them. Life began to feel less like a horrifying burden and more like a magical adventure.

Step 4: Fine-tune

I don’t think that this step is ever going to stop for me, and I wouldn’t want it to. To my mind, being “healed,” being “done growing” is not a destination. Part of what I’ve come to love about life since starting to let go of my iron grip on expectations is the trial-and-error nature of life. The way how, when I’m not staking my self-worth on the opinions of others, I can objectively learn from their bad behavior, even when it’s directed toward me.

Also, I was able to discover unexpected things about myself through this fine-tuning step. For instance, it led me to do things I’d never have done before — like giving up coffee and starting a daily dancing habit.

Fine-tuning: When one’s passionate about something, one wants to improve at it. Becoming passionate about living a joyful life of abundance and peace has resulted in me wanting to see exactly how good it can get. So far, it’s pretty awesome. I don’t intend to ever stop fine-tuning.

Step 5: Visualize your results

This goes back to the grooves in the record in your brain. Once the needle’s running in a dark & gloomy groove, it’s hard to get it out. So your brilliant and strong imagination is busy envisioning horrifying realities, replaying past tragedies, and predicting bleak outcomes.

When you’re in that dark groove, it’s really hard to feel authentic about positive visualizations and affirmations. That’s where faith came in for me. I knew where I’d been, and I didn’t like it. Visualizing myself as a successful, happy person felt fake to me, as did affirming my own greatness (I do both now with gusto!). But the models I chose in Step 3 told me that, without question, it was possible to be happy. Honestly, I didn’t buy it, but I chose to go along with it.

I kept doing the work that I’d set out for myself and visualizing the better version of me, and eventually I began to morph into her. I could feel the energy shifting around me. It was pure magic (at least by my definition).

That’s when the needle jumped into the groove where I now find myself most of the time — a groove of joy and love.

Visualizing my results: Proved hard at first, as I couldn’t really believe them. But I trusted my process, and I kept doing what I’d set out to do. Now I feel like I’m starting to live in that visualization and it’s incredible.

Step 6: Run your algorithm continuously

This is life for me now. I run on this gorgeous algorithm that just keeps making my life better. I call it my Soul-Lit, and I’m pretty ruthless about cutting anything out of my life that isn’t in accordance with it.

While bad things certainly still happen, by rigorously sticking with my algorithm I’m better able to control my response to them, and thus better able to control the ripples that result within and without me.

Running my algorithm continuously: Has changed everything in my world. I’m leagues healthier, and for the first time in my life, I’m joyful from the inside out.

Create Your Own Algorithm

While I still don’t understand algorithms in the technical sense, I understand the concept enough to see it as an extremely helpful metaphor for retooling your life.

I wish you success in creating your own glorious algorithm!