RACISM + CULTURE
Centering White People’s Comfort Is A Lost Cause
Letting go may be easier than you think
In the aftermath of Victoria's Secret Karen, we need to talk about how some white women weaponize their tears. A few weeks back, a bunch of white women influencers created a fake crying trend on TikTok. But, everyone wasn’t laughing. When a white woman cries wolf, her manipulation can have dangerous consequences. For some, this brought back the horrors of Emmet Till. While these examples highlight the danger of crocodile tears, they only scratch the surface, exposing the world that Black people live in — one that often centers on white comfort.
Black people face a lot of social pressure. And we don’t just get that pressure from white people; it also comes from respectability politics. Sometimes, the call is coming from inside the house. Remember the comedian, Mo’Nique, shamed Black women for wearing bonnets in public? Somehow, she rationalized that Black women needed to present themselves in a certain way to receive respect. She’s not alone. People who make these “suggestions” seem to think that Black people will become worthy of equal treatment if they just improve enough.
The problem with centering white comfort is that it dehumanizes those who engage in it.
Would you ask an abused woman to work on herself so her husband keeps his hands off her or a child growing stronger or risk getting snatched? No, you wouldn’t. Because the ones causing harm have the power in these scenarios. So, stop expecting Black people to change to appeal to white comfort. Racism isn’t something Black people want or invite in.
The bottom line is you cannot rationalize yourself out of racism. Your goodness, kindness, cleanness, or wealthiness cannot fix racism because your alleged imperfections did not cause the hate to begin with. Remember, racists, are the ones who need to change.
When you code-switched around white folks, you centered their comfort. Rather than expressing yourself freely, you wanted to make sure white people saw you as non-threatening, intelligent, and easy to understand.
In doing so, you inadvertently bought into the racist lie that your natural way of communicating was threatening, ignorant, or incomprehensible. But, unfortunately, you also gave white people the easy way out. As long as you met them 99% of the way, they never had to do the work to confront their racism. They never had to question why they grimace when you speak naturally. When white comfort is the priority, the racism you experience becomes trivialized.
If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it (Zora Neale Hurston).
I’ve been down this road before. I used to code-switch so often I earned a nickname — Oreo. At this point, you may expect me to say how ruthless the neighborhood kids were when they compared me to a cookie, black on the outside and white on the inside. But that’s not my story because I laughed when I heard it. Then, I reflected.
The nickname Oreo is not only a way of saying someone “sounds white,” as many have claimed. Rather, it means that Black people suspect you are so good at code-switching that you struggle to turn it off, or worse, that you’ve lost a sense of yourself, your connection to the Black community. That is not to say that every Black person who speaks Standard English is code-switching. But, if you grew up in New Orleans like me or other inner-city areas, then chances are you didn’t start out naturally speaking the King’s English.
Navigating in white spaces feels like walking across a frozen river in mid-spring. You may fall through the ice, despite your caution. The problem with centering white comfort is that it dehumanizes those who engage in it. Furthermore, it feeds into a narrative that Black people are responsible for making white people feel comfortable and that when they don’t, we are to blame.
Some people think that Black people can assimilate away all of our problems. But, they are missing the mark. Appealing to white comfort robs Black people of their peace of mind. That’s not freedom — that’s conditional, fickle acceptance, the antithesis of love. Insisting there is only one way to speak, to think, and to live causes harm.
Some people think Black men need to stop sagging their pants, Black women need to stop wearing bonnets outside the house, and that our children should speak the King’s English to avoid harassment. But, the truth of the matter is white people were spraying Black people with hoses and sicking dogs on them when they wore button-up shirts.
Trying to make white people comfortable will not stop racism. The picture below says it all. I see Black people in suits and high school students dressed prim and proper. Still, no one can deny that respectability politics couldn’t save them.
Black people should not have to convince white people of their humanity. If you find yourself wondering “what would white people say,” before speaking or writing, chances are you are centering white comfort.
There is a big difference between someone wanting you to look professional and discriminating against you for not conforming to Eurocentric standards. “When dress codes reinforce white norms, being black becomes a violation (Perry, 2020).”
In white-dominated spaces, Black people often dress for the white gaze. According to The Hechinger Report, dress codes are the new “whites-only” signs. The best way to stop centering on whiteness is to stop shaping your behavior to appease them.
Stop hiding your natural hair just to please white people. They will not feel more comfortable with you when you make these changes. Instead, just be you no matter what you look like, your hair texture, or style. As long as you, in good faith, feel you look professional, accept yourself. Don’t look for white people’s approval and when they take issue, stand your ground.
How you speak, your word choice, and your accent are not problematic — discrimination is. A few years back, I told my boss, “you act brand-new.” He looked confused, so I explained. “You are acting like a different person today. I don’t like it.” He smiled and started laughing. But, he learned a lesson that day and many more after that.
To stop centering whiteness, you have to permit yourself to speak in your authentic voice no matter who is around. This is a skill that takes time to develop. Just remember that when you center white comfort, you feed into the trope of Black unprofessionalism. The more you change to fit in, the more you accept the lie that Blackness should not exist in the workplace and that our voices and worldviews are invalid and inadequate.
When someone centers on white comfort, they tell themselves, “I don’t want to ruffle any feathers. I just want to blend in.” Earth to Black people — you don’t fit in any more than a Black bear fits into the snow. Instead of trying to camouflage Blackness, insist that white people learn what we mean when we say how we say in the way we feel comfortable saying it.
Blackness is not vulgar; racism is. Yet, some people rather mute themselves if it means saving a white person’s feelings. “Maybe we shouldn’t call them racist. They wouldn’t like that.” Appealing to white comfort is not one move; it's a series of moves and ploys to make whiteness the priority.
Honestly, a lot of people feel comfortable with dismantling racism when it's abstract and esoteric. However, when we bring it down to earth, when the racist is a family member, neighbor, cashier, or manager, you know, some Black people center white people’s comfort to avoid social awkwardness. However, that’s no way to live.
Navigating in white spaces feels like walking across a frozen river in mid-spring. You may fall through the ice, despite your caution.
Centering white comfort is a lost cause. Black people do not exist to make white people feel uncomfortable. So, it should not be our job or priority to make white people feel comfortable with our Blackness. Their discomfort is due to bias and racism. When we tone-police ourselves or feed into respectability politics, we feed into some dangerous stereotypes about Black people, further maintaining a system of white supremacy. However, when we embrace our Blackness, we ask that the world does as well.
“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced,” — James Baldwin
❤︎ Learn more about the essayist here.
