Caring For an Aging Parent
No one tells you about this part of life
My 87-year-old mother has four caregivers after a stroke four years ago. They do an amazing job taking care of my mom in her home, and I am thankful for them. I don’t want to complain about my mom, but it can often be hard on me since I have to triage any problem in addition to taking care of my own family.
Lately, I have not wanted to pick up the phone when my mom calls me. First, it was a leaky kitchen sink. Then leaky garbage disposal. I made a call to have those fixed and then water leaked from her laundry room to the condo below.
I’m afraid to pick up my phone to find out what problem will happen next, and mom doesn’t start by saying “Hi, Scot.” She launches into the problem.
“I don’t know how the caregivers are going to do the laundry,” my mom said.
But a moment earlier she told me a neighbor volunteered to let her caregivers use her washing machine, and that’s the most frustrating part. She can often be anxious and easily frustrated and doesn’t see the solution to the problem.
“You just said your neighbor would let you use her washing machine,” I said.
What no one tells you
This is what no one tells you about when your parent gets into their 80s. As they get older, you have to take on a caregiving role to your parents, and suddenly you’re not the son or daughter, but the roles have been reversed.
And it is emotionally draining to take on the role of caregiver to your parent.
Now in addition to taking care of your own family, you are also responsible for several parts of your parent’s life from finding the right caregivers and buying groceries every week to paying bills and driving her to doctor appointments.
It just happens, and you have to figure it out. Nothing prepares you for this.
What caregiving entails
I’ve battled with doctors at hospitals who want to give narcotics every four hours to every elderly person. I’ve had to call home health care agencies to remind them to send my mom colostomy bags that are a medical necessity.
I’ve had to fire caregivers who argued with my mom. I’ve switched home health care agencies and asked the last one to send a fax terminating their service and then had to call them back two times because they keep billing and continued to send bags a week after the beginning of the month.
I am the substitute caregiver if one of her caregivers is sick or on vacation, and this can put an extra burden on my wife as a parent if I have to cover a shift or if my mom gets sick and can’t come over to our house on Thanksgiving day.
There are a lot of other smaller details that pop up when it’s inconvenient. One of these is having to rush to buy colostomy bags and bring them to my mom because the home health care agency did not mail them once again.
I’ve vented my frustration with that home health agency numerous times, and after I resolved some issue involving my mom and I feel like I’m done with it — then my wife will ask me a bunch of questions about it.
Emotional toll
I related to Mary McGrath’s story, “The Difficulty of Being a Caregiver,” where she shared her partner’s struggles with taking care of her 90-year-old mother, and the emotional toll it has taken on them from issues with family members.
And the daily physical and mental burden of taking care of someone whose health is continuing to decline while the family may be about to implode, and the mother is unaware of the burden she has become to her family members.
“As anyone knows, being a caregiver exacerbates all of the relationships within a family. The dynamics are escalated. It’s like a wildfire going on between the siblings. It makes me want to get in a car and leave, hoping that somehow all of these issues will resolve themselves on their own, but they won’t.”
The big question
The big question facing families with aging parents is: If and when to make arrangements for them to live in a nursing home if that becomes a necessity due to health issues. This can also be a source of conflict if siblings have different viewpoints, or if financial considerations make this impossible.
McGrath’s advice is: Be prepared. Discord between family is inevitable. It’s been four years since my mom’s stroke, and I’ve always felt she deserved to live in her home if she’s healthy enough and can afford to have caregivers.
Through an IRA investment 25 years ago, she is fortunate enough to have the money to pay for caregivers, and their loving care keeps her feeling vibrant. She asks about their families, and their kids or grandkids come to visit her.
Caregivers are saviors
The stress on my life would be quadrupled without my mom’s caregivers, and that’s the most important lesson I can share if your parents need a caregiver: Find a good caregiver and this will alleviate a lot of the stresses on your life.
I’ve felt the urge occasionally to hop in the car and escape. Fortunately, my brother and I have not had one conflict regarding my mom. The majority of caregiving responsibilities fall on me because I live 20 minutes away from my mom, and he lives two hours away and has three kids involved in sports.
But I’ve never had an issue with this because I view seeing my mom every weekend as being like the last few chapters in a book. It’s a final opportunity I get to spend time talking with her and asking her questions about her life.
Be prepared
McGrath said her partner gets frustrated because she expected to enjoy her retirement and not to be a caregiver to a parent, and I can understand this. It isn’t easy taking care of another person and it takes a big chunk of your life.
The issue of aging parents reminds me of a story I wrote about how engaged couples can save their marriage while they’re engaged by talking about issues that might come up in their marriage, so they are prepared if they come up.
The same is true for the issue of aging parents. I think it is wise and healthy to talk with your parents about this issue before it arises, so you can be better prepared to respond to it in harmony with your parent when the time comes.
To be honest, I was glad Mary shared her story because it allowed me to be honest about frustrations I have about the responsibilities I have as a caregiver to my mom and still do the right thing by caring her as best as I can, and I hope the story gave you a glimpse of what lies ahead as your parents get older.
It’s not easy caring for an again parent, but it lets you show your love to them.
Thank you for reading my story.
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