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Abstract

But I learned to forgive. I learned to practise empathy and understand the 7-year-old, I knew she hadn’t intended to hurt Betsy. We never told her that Besty died but I am sure she would have been mortified and filled with remorse for a long time. That idea of empathy, the understanding that people have different values, priorities or ethics and behave in different ways has always helped me to forgive. I did not believe in carrying grudges, life was too short to be resentful.</p><p id="b8f5" type="7">That same idea of empathy and forgiveness was also the reason I stayed in abusive relationships</p><h2 id="1ccb">Abusers use forgiveness against you</h2><p id="ff7a"><i>“You are not being fair, people make mistakes!” “Come on, that was ages ago, have you still not forgiven me?” “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”</i></p><p id="3167">These are some of the things my ex would say when I got upset about his behaviour. When you are in an abusive relationship, the concept of forgiveness can quickly become a weapon the abuser uses to keep you trapped. The idea that you must forgive them is like permission to continue with the abuse. Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with over 2000 abusive men writes:</p><p id="7386" type="7">“My clients demand forgiveness while continuing to insult, threaten, demand immediate responses, attend only to their own needs, and more.” (Why Does He Do That? p. 217)</p><h2 id="f5de">Forgiveness requires remorse</h2><p id="9234">I always thought forgiveness was unconditional. Although I am not religious, I was brought up going to church and reading the bible. The concept of forgiveness I had was influenced by the phrases and sermons I had picked up at a young age. <i>“Bear with each other and <b>forgive</b> one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. <b>Forgive</b> as the Lord forgave you.” </i>I thought it meant that you have to forgive everyone and anyone no matter what they had done. But there is one point I never knew: This idea of forgiveness is based on the assumption that the person I am forgiving shows remorse.</p><p id="c92b" type="7">Overlooked in common Christian understanding of forgiveness is the necessary part of repentance by the wrongdoer. John McKinley</p><p id="d22c">One of the most difficult concepts to understand after <a href="https://readmedium.com/13-signs-i-dated-a-narcissist-44d1db6ee3e4">my relationship with a narcissist</a> was that there are people who are incapable of feelin

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g remorse. He never apologised or cared about what happened to me. When he left, it was as if he had turned off a switch, his new victim was all that mattered and I never existed. Part of me was hoping for a long time that I would receive an apology. But I know that it will not happen. Although I understand now <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-a-narcissist-prepares-you-for-the-abuse-6383e7c92873">how abusive he was</a>, in his mind, he has done nothing wrong. <i>He does not seek forgiveness.</i></p><h2 id="5d37">Forgive yourself</h2><p id="46a4">I don’t think I need to forgive him to lead a happier and healthier life. I do not believe that forgiveness is part of the healing process unless it is directed at myself. <i>Forgiving yourself is key</i>.</p><p id="7171">Forgive yourself for not seeing it, for staying longer than you should have. Forgive yourself for moments you were weak and for moments when you might feel week again. Forgive yourself for ways you have behaved or things you have said. Forgive yourself for all the things you feel remorse over. Forgive yourself for never being able to forgive those that show no remorse.</p><h2 id="2210">More from Kara Summers:</h2><div id="b84b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/do-you-feel-like-you-are-constantly-upsetting-your-partner-b1e9f5fcd6df"> <div> <div> <h2>Do You Feel Like You Are Constantly Upsetting Your Partner?</h2> <div><h3>Make sure you aren’t the one who is the real victim.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*7hsqJBnmFY3IjI7k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="fc43" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-toxic-relationship-ffb487a213ec"> <div> <div> <h2>A Day in the Life of a Toxic Relationship</h2> <div><h3>Many don’t recognise narcissistic abuse when they are caught in the middle.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ul7zBaj8k26PDM4k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Candyfest and Everything

Various Thoughts on This Time of Year

Years ago on Medium Ruben Alexander got us doing “Drawlloween”. It was fun.

The spirit world is close, isn’t it? This strange, brown time of year with its foggy mornings and sideways twilight brings out the sad in some, but I, being one who can see the fairies, experience a different quiet. Through the desiccated stalks of goldenrod I see not only the discarded Dunkin’ Donuts coffee cups and empty Moxie cans of the semi-leafless landscape, but also flashes of totem animals and glimmers of sprites. I see pixies, hobgoblins and Eastern Sasquatch. I’m enchanted by them all, for I’m not afraid of witches.

As I sat down to write, it occurred to me that, like the summer, the vital part of my medium season is behind me. I’ve got big bags of posts and comments all quietly composting on the Medium servers. I turned over the pile to see if I could find anything about Halloween. I thrust my pitchfork into the stack and speared this monster:

Some Ideas for Candyfest

Tomorrow many people will celebrate Halloween. I don’t celebrate Halloween. It’s not because I’m a fundamentalist…

medium.com

I reread it and thought it was “bad”. I linked to it only because I’m certain you won’t read it. As I’ve said many times before, “people don’t read backwards on Medium.”

As I thought about what to write for Halloween, I kept trying to come up with an “idea”. That’s the problem, isn’t it? 500,000 bloggers banging their heads against their keyboards trying to come up with an “idea”. That’s why the feed is so wan, right? That’s why the community here on Medium is as Autumnal as the pale yellow marsh reeds in the swamp I drive by every morning. We’re all desperate for a hook. The Slackjaw folks even suggest you start with the hook. “Begin with a funny headline,” they say, “and rest will flow.” I disagree.

You know what I say? I say, “Fuck the idea”. We don’t need no stinking peg. You don’t need a gimmick. I’ll read your dreck. You read mine.

We’re making art here, motherfuckers.

Home Depot

I went to Home Depot because the Boss needed some anti-mold and mildew spray for one of the outbuildings. Even though I had climbed up into the crawl space and pulled back the fiberglass insulation to assure her that the ceiling was not covered in “black mold”, my previous “assurances” (i.e. ‘we have enough money in the account’, ‘it’s not that strong’, ‘this won’t hurt a bit’) meant that she would not be detoured from her purpose by me, and her purpose included purchasing the most powerful counter-toxin available at Home Depot.

A big, empty Home Depot on an October night hits the two of us differently. I’m overstimulated by all the stuff on the shelves and start wondering if the Target next door still has hot dogs for sale. She finds the big vacant store depressing, as if the brightly lit space devoid of people is the beginning of our lives as the main characters of an Omega Man reboot.

Somehow, in our dissociated confusion, we found ourselves looking at complex Halloween decorations. There was a animated pirate ship. Here, let me find a picture for you:

Photo taken from this blog: https://hauntedevehalloween.blogspot.com/2019/09/home-depot-haunted-pirate-ship.html

There were a bunch of others. Here are some of them:

You plug these things in. They have a button that, when pushed, says something “spooky” in a spooky voice. I feel like I could have written better copy, but everyone’s a critic, right? They cost a lot of money. The pirate ship is $329, but you can buy it online right now for $164.50 because there is no fucking way you’re getting that thing shipped to you and set up in time for Candyfest.

I made a lot of jokes about how all of the decorations would be much scarier after they broke into micro-plastics and were floating in the ocean.

“Imagine the last giant bluefin tuna with that pumpkin on its head,” I said, pointing at the blinking orange bucket. “Imagine seeing the witch perched beneath the waves on a bleached coral reef.”

It would be easy to say that I’m against all the stupid plastic Halloween gunk, but I’m not. A guy down the street has about six blow-up monsters on his lawn. Each day they lay in his yard like a group of multi-colored tarps… flat, wet, and covered with leaves. At night he turns on the fans and they pop up into bloated, light filled characters. I’m not really sure what characters… I think one is a dragon… then they sway in the breeze until he goes to bed.

The truth is, they add to the shimmering closeness. I think they make the division between us and the spirit world even thinner, if that can be imagined. Our ancestors might be ducking in and out between those things. The pixies may be dancing around the pirate ship in Home Depot. I feel the shadows of the past acutely right now, and while a plain doughnut and cup of cider is a good catalyst for opening the spirit door, so too is all the junk of our unreconstructed American clutterfest, for the spirit world will not be denied. It just won’t go away. Thank goodness.