Some Ideas for Candyfest

Tomorrow many people will celebrate Halloween. I don’t celebrate Halloween. It’s not because I’m a fundamentalist Christian or a Witness… it’s because I don’t get dressed up for Halloween. I haven’t put on a costume in over three decades, unless you consider wearing swim fins and a football helmet to bed a “costume”.

I continued to call the holiday Halloween until about eight years ago when, while sitting on my front porch and eating my 16th “fun size” Reese’s peanut butter cup, I realized that what I was celebrating was quite different than what my son, Mr. McFreaky, was celebrating. He was enjoying a night full of ghosts and goblins and pumpkins. I was enjoying the day of the year when I eat pixie sticks.

Youngest Child in the House: Why is this night different from all other nights?

Gutbloom: Because tonight we sit on the porch and eat Butterfinger.

Since my dressing up days are behind me, I pass these costume ideas onto you.

Happy Candyfest.

Gutbloom’s Costume Ideas for Candyfest

The Villagers You get a really standard off-the-shelf Frankenstein outfit… maybe a rubber mask or something… and then get 10 of your friends to carry real torches and follow you around screaming “Ver ish der Monster? Ve must kill der Monster” You can have them dress in Lederhosen, Nazi uniforms, or industrial black leather. Whatever you like. If someone puts out food for them they should shout “Bringen us wurst and bretzels or ve vill burnnen your haus down!”

Vacationers You and a partner dress up like tropical tourists and carry large Carnival cruise line tickets. The trick is you have dried vomit on the front of your shirts and giant brown accident stains on the back of your pants.

A Hobo Throughout my childhood I had many ideas for costumes. Huge, elaborate ideas. I was going to be Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes… I was going to be the Mummy, wrapped head to toe in real bandages, I was going to dress up like Kirk and the girl next door was going to dress up like an Orion slave girl… etc. etc. I was never any of those things. My parents just didn’t understand. They didn’t support me. So when my costume dissolved in a fit of crying and recriminations at 4:00 P.M. on October 31st each year, my mother would calmly reach into the utility drawer and get out a surplus wine cork, light it on fire, and begin my transition… not transmogrification… into a hobo. For those of you unfamiliar with the iconography of the 1930’s, a hobo is a guy in a clown hat with 5 o’clock shadow carrying a kerchief on a stick that contains the contents of the utility drawer. You know what? My brothers and I racked up four first place finishes in costume contests as hobos. So, yes, it’s not a fun costume, but if you’re out to win, it’s the way to go.

A Ghost See above, but omit the winning part.

Queen Victoria You wear a big black dress, a lace napkin over your head, and keep saying “We think not” all night. Let me tell you, that gets much funnier as the night goes on.

Carrie Nation Same as Queen Victoria but you get to carry a hatchet and a bible and bust up any unguarded booze bottles.

Hedy Lamar Brunettes might be able to pull this off, if they are gorgeous and willing to shape their eyebrows some. You dress up as Hedy Lamarr and then make a sign that says, “This is what an inventor looks like.” You see, Hedy Lamarr is in the Inventors Hall of Fame for her contributions to modern Wi-Fi, CDMA and Bluetooth technology.

Cleopatra I promise to get off the “women in history” jag, but this is a simple idea if you are going to a party. You dress up as Cleopatra and the get two guys to “announce” your entrance. One of them walks into the room and says “The Queen of Egypt” and then they go outside, come back in with a rug, unroll it and OUT YOU POP.

Paul Modrich This is a picture of Paul Modrich, who won the 2015 Nobel Prize for chemistry. If you have gray hair, all you need is a gray mustache, and then when people ask you who you are you say “Paul Modrich” and then HOPE LIKE HELL THEY ASK YOU WHO PAUL MODRICH IS.

David Lee Roth Chances are, if you haven’t started on this one already it’s too late to begin now.