Snack Time Controversy

Canada Declares War on Little Debbie

Nutty Buddys have been discontinued

**Is life really worth living without a Nutty Buddy in your mouth?** (Photo from promotional material at littledebbie.com)

Little Debbie is dead.

At least in Canada.

The McKee Foods Corporation has announced that their sole distributor north of the American border intends to pull their products from store shelves in Canada. That means no more Swiss Rolls, Honey Buns, and Devil Cremes. No more Cosmic Brownies, Fudge Rounds, or Nutty Buddys.

It doesn’t matter that every Little Debbie product sounds like a euphemism for a big old Number Two (which is a euphemism for pooh). They were damn delicious. Especially at Christmas.

Heck, I bet half my family would be diabetes free if Little Debbie had never graced our shores. Then where would the hordes of Canadian pharmaceutical workers be? I’ll tell you where: on the unemployment line, sucking on Bugles to temper their withdrawal from Xanax as they wait for government assistance.

Wait a minute? Bugles have been discontinued too?

**Thank God they’re going to ‘let the team aware of your interest.’ That sounds professional and sincere.** (Image captured from Twitter)

How can this be happening?

How the hell am I supposed to make edible elf shoes for my Aunt Cloaca’s Christmas Eve ‘Elf By Herself’ Competition if I can’t use those delicious cone shaped corn snacks? How am I going to make announcements to Tiny Town (the village of tiny figurines my Aunt Cloaca sets up so we can all gaze in wonder through a magnifying glass before Uncle Limus accidentally sits on them after his Rum and Milk) about the arrival of Santa Clause, if I can’t make those announcements through a miniscule Bugle shaped hunk of degermed yellow corn meal?

“Why not order them online?” you say.

“Go step on a lego!” I say.

**Why are you depriving Canadians of the ability to make witch hands????** (Photo Credit: Buzzfeed, originally from Bugles promotional material on Facebook.)

This means war America. If you Bugle hoarding bastards are going to be Debbie Downers, then I think it’s high time we put a moratorium on maple syrup, poutine, beaver fur, hockey pucks, and all the other wacky, ineffectual, peripheral nonsense my home country is known for. Let’s see how long you can last without Ketchup flavoured chips you jerks.

Sincerely,

Canada

(Sorry).

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